Far too often we hear about battered women falling through the cracks of the system on their way out of an abusive relationship. Many losing their civil liberties, their parental rights and/or their sanity in route to safety. Or, as those who live this know, as a price for peace.
Why these injustices to battered women?
When the abused reaches out beyond the battering relationship, the dynamic remains in tact but the weapons change. It may go from words, to fists, to riffle, to court agent, to court order for psychiatric testing, to a 30-day in-house psychiatric "evaluation."
The perpetrator has not changed even though the victim reaches out. And the dynamic of domestic abuse doesn't go away on its own. If anything, it magnifies.
When the victim reaches out or moves out beyond the relationship, violence will escalate so as to re-engage control. While violence is a manifestation of domestic abuse; domestic abuse is fundamentally about control. And the perpetrator can't bear to be out of control.
Now given the fact that domestic violence is generally considered a legal matter, who do you think will be brought in to intervene? If you're thinking the "blue," you're right.
Where this gets messy is when the perpetrator has the financial and/or political wherewithal to enlist support from the system. And this is not to say that perpetrator/system alliances always develop. Abusers can certainly be brought to justice via the system.
However, in the shuffle to administer justice, the perpetrator will most likely use any available financial or political clout to acquire a club of a higher order: the system and its agents.
What typically happens, even in cases having the appearance of being above board (to the law...without corruption), is that the victim is coerced into agreeing to psychiatric foreplay designed to ultimately discredit the victim, silence the abuse and save face for the perpetrator.
This is why an estimated 95% of domestic violence survivors end up with psychiatric labels in route to safety from domestic abuse. This is why many battered women have been backed into psychiatric hospitals at the bequest of their perpetrators. This is where the myth that she is crazy is solidified as public truth.
I didn't write it; it wrote itself. Now I know that sounds ridiculous on face value, but that's actually what did indeed happen. Here's how.
Why I Wrote All But My Soul
First, I've known since the 80's through studying the work of James Pennebaker, Ph.D. that when you write about trauma, it releases from the physiology. And I didn't want to go to my grave with this drama.
Secondly, my children were being told by their father (and his family) that I abandoned them, yet nothing could be further from the truth. What actually happened is I was abused out of their lives.
And lastly, I had learned so much about domestic violence and the legal abuse syndrome, I wanted to put it out there for the hundreds and thousands of people who are in abusive relationships and those headed toward one.
I wanted to help them see the dynamics of battering relationships and understand how domestic abuse can be transformed into legal domestic abuse. I wanted them to know that if they were encountering family court denying them the right and ability to protect their children and themselves that their case was not an anomaly.
I also wanted them to have information to better protect their children and themselves. I thought that by knowing the common strategies used to railroad domestic violence survivors through the system at the bequest of their perpetrators to silence the abuse, they would have an advantage.
So my intentions where pretty clear but the writing, well that was a different matter. I simply didn't know where to begin. I thought about it for about two months and wrote nothing more than an outline.
How the Book Was Written
Then one day I had the honor of speaking with Byron Katie after one of her events. I told her that I had been struggling with writing a book. I said, "I need to write this book, and I can't seem to get it out of me."
Katie looked at me and said, "No, you don't have to write that book; the book needs to write itself."
So, I went home and thought who do I want to hear me speak? I placed pictures of my children around my monitor and every morning upon awakening I went directly to the keyboard. Exactly 100 days from the day I began, I had a 400 plus page first draft of the manuscript (most of which is the final draft).
The Inner Ache to the Outer Release
But I think when people ask me that question, what they really want to know is how did I get around, or over, the anger and anguish to bring pen to paper rather than resorting to the destruction of those that impacted the life of my children and myself? Or, as some do...rather than resorting to the destruction of myself.
Here's how. Each time I would come to a player in our saga that would make my hair stand on end, I would pull back and run those feelings through The Work until I could go to the keyboard and effortlessly write their chapter.
So for me it was a zigzagging between inner work and outer expression. Compounding this was the way I allowed the material to come to me up from the inner depths of my own quietude. When I'd fatigue from writing, I'd sit in meditation until another block of thought rushed forth running me back to the keyboard.
In many respects the book did write itself, and what I did was get out of the way. My hope for you is if you have a story to tell, you do all that is necessary to allow it to pour out from you to benefit all those who are drawn to it. It has meant so much to me to hear how my writing has impacted women worldwide over the years.
Dr Jeanne King Phd has sinced written about articles on various topics from Divorce and Infidelity, Legal Matters and Writing. If you are a victim of domestic abuse and wish to end the cycle, you will want to read before the control is mai. Dr Jeanne King Phd's top article generates over 6600 views. to your Favourites.