The recent headlines about the kidnapping of 21 South Korean missionaries in Afghanistan has brought shock and outrage in many parts of the world. The killing of two missionaries who were part of that group further heightened the tension in South Korea. However, the most disturbing scene that came out of that incident was the video of the wailing parents who pleaded for the lives of their children who were made prisoners by the Taliban. One Korean mother even pleaded that she be taken by the Taliban in place of her daughter. Such is the love of a parent for a child.
The news also brought to the fore the truth that there is no fear that haunts any parent more than the possibility of losing a child. The case of a lost or missing child, at least, provides the possibility of reunion. But the death of a son or daughter has a certain finality, a point of no return. Moreover, a child dying before the parent is simply looked at as an anomaly, a completely tragic and unnatural event. Regardless of country or culture, parents always believe that they are supposed to die before their children.
All parents, at some point in life, would think about death and the day when they would finally leave their children. It is a painful thought that no parent would dare dwell on except perhaps when one is seriously ill or so advanced in age. But what causes even more stress and anxiety is the thought of losing a child.
Parents normally see themselves as completely responsible for raising their children which entails going to work in order to raise money for food, shelter, clothing, and school expenses. Beyond the material things, parents also seriously take their role as the first teachers of their children. Before they die, they want to see their children finish school, and if possible, get married and start a family of their own. This, for most parents, is the natural law and cycle of human life.
Losing a child during pregnancy or during the delivery....in an accident...in war... or because of a violent crime...all these tragic events cause untold grief and depression not only for the parents but for the rest of the family. Seeing a child die is a scene that causes deep emotional pain that could scar for life. The distress caused by losing a loved one, especially a young child, can hurt so much that a parent could even temporarily lose the ability to think rationally. With the loss of appetite and sleeplessness, a grieving parent also loses interest in relating with other people, even those from their own family. The depression totally takes over the life of a grieving mother or father, debilitating them physically and emotionally.
During a wake, most people try to give the grieving parent some words of encouragement. But these words often do not help and may even make it more difficult for them. Some would even say, ?It's all right...death is part of life,? or ?Everything will be okay. At least, your son is now in heaven.? These words often add more hurt rather than comfort to the grieving parent. For this reason, it is important to understand that a grieving parent or any person who lost a loved one undergoes a grieving process. This process involves the following stages: denial, sadness and depression, anger, and acceptance. A parent who first learns about the death of a child will be filled with shock. This will be followed by denial ? a psychological defense mechanism that is intent on blocking the sad news about the death of a child. Once the parent is able to understand that the child has really died, the next set of emotions to come will be sadness and depression. At this stage, the parent would usually reminisce about the times spent with the child --- from the time that the child was born, to birthdays, holidays, and other happy memories. These thoughts tend the deepen the sadness and depression of the parent. In some cases, the depression can be so severe that a grieving parent may have to be given anti-depressant prescriptions. After some time, anger may set in and makes it even possible for the grieving parent to blame God for the death of the child. After this stage of anger, which is the most emotionally heightened period of the grieving process, the parent will eventually accept the situation and the death of the child.
It will take some more time but emotional healing is eventually attained. The length it takes to have emotional healing, of course, depends on the ability and willingness of the parent. Some find it hard to let go, while others are able to move on because of their emotional and spiritual stability.
Indeed, there are no words that can comfort a parent who just lost a child. It takes time, a lot of prayer, and acceptance to get over the death of a son or a daughter. In reality, a parent never really gets over the death of a child. Moving on is not about forgetting the child but about embracing death as an inevitable part of life --- and about retaining the best and happiest memories they had together even if the child has passed on and the parent still has to continue living.
Cathy James who lost her daughter in an accident says, "The one thing I would hope if nobody does anything else is, please know that you will see joy. You will see joy again. There is help out there. Your child was absolutely a gift. If you had to do it all over again, you would have that child over again, because of how much you love them. You would still do it all again and have the pain, because you had the love."
Cathy and Frank James live every parent's greatest fear. Every day they grieve the loss of their 17 year old daughter, Valerie. Their journey of grief led them to write a book explaining strategies they used to deal with the emotional pain of their loss. They are committed to helping one parent at a time cope with the aching loss of a child.
Using their proactive strategies will assist those suffering from a devastating loss, coping in the days to come:
- Don't try to rush the grief journey. Let it be in your own time. Everyone is different and grieves in his or her own way. - Find what works for you.
Do something special to honor your lost child. Make it a monthly or yearly project. Get the other members of your family together and coordinate it. It can be anything that makes you feel closer to your child: scholarships, memory gardens, scrapbooks, gift baskets to your child's friends. There are a number of things parents can do to keep their child's memory alive.
You need to move forward. Find ways for you and your family to adjust to the loss.
- Rearrange the seating at your dinner table so that the empty chair will not always be a reminder that a family member is missing. Do the same thing with the family car. Sit in a different place than you normally do. - Physical activity helps. Whether it is walking, biking, swimming, or just walking the mall, the activity helps you cope as each day passes. - Helping others is the best way to heal yourself. Get involved in a selfless project. The satisfaction and gratitude you receive from helping others will soothe you. - Attend a grieving organization meeting. They are located in almost every state. They lend support and walk beside you in grief because they have lost children also.
Sometimes the days will feel just too hard to get through, but with the help of your family it will get easier. Develop a family plan; establish catch phrases or code words to use. If you or a family member realizes that the situation is emotionally unbearable, mention the code word and leave the situation. Once each member of the family hears the code word, you all turn and walk away, no arguments, no forcing, and no questions.
You are going to have good days and bad days. The love you have for your lost child will always be there. It never goes away, but realize that you will experience joy again. Do the best you can. Your grieving journey will teach you what is important in life: love, concern for others, caring for others, and doing things without the possibility of benefit to help others. Through all these things, you will learn about hope, joy, and the things that are of real value.
Follow these proactive strategies to cope with the loss of a child. There is no right or wrong method to learn to cope and there is no timeline to follow. Take your time; don't burden yourself with self-doubt about what should be normal. You will find your way, feeling hope and joy in your life again.
Both Aseya & Randy Gilbert are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
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Randy Gilbert has sinced written about articles on various topics from Marriage, Health and self improvement and motivation. Dr. Proactive, Randy Gilbert enjoys producing the "Inside Parenting Success" show hosted by Jodie Lynn. She presents her insightful interview with Frank and Cathy James (TheJourneyIsMore.com) based upon the techniques from their book. You can hear the en. Randy Gilbert's top article generates over 9900 views. to your Favourites.