So
what should you do? This article contains the expert
you will need to get you through this difficult time.



The
early days


Your
world has fallen apart. One minute you feel so angry you want to
explode, the next you're sobbing because you think it's all your
fault and you don't want to lose him.




'This
is completely normal,' says Relate relationship psychotherapist Paula
Hall. 'Many women are surprised by the way they respond in the early
days and weeks after an affair. Your reaction can vary hugely,
depending on the circumstances.'




For
example, some affairs are a definite signal the relationship is over,
others happen in a "moment of weakness" and
can survive.




'Just
remember, you've experienced a major loss, similar to a bereavement,'
says Paula 'You'll be confused and shocked.'




What
should I do?




Absolutely
nothing! This is definitely NOT the right time to make any major
life-changing decisions about your relationship.




'The
early days are incredibly emotional and confusing,' says Paula.
'Don't feel under any pressure to either throw him out or forgive
him.' There's no rush to do anything. Just let the news sink in - and
cry all you want.



Talk
to him again




Once
you're ready, it's essential that you both talk and listen to each
other. But this is not the time for a slanging match. No matter how
angry you are, you must stay calm throughout this conversation. You
have two aims:




1.
To get the facts right.
You
need to know when the affair happened, where it happened and how long
it's been going on. 'There are many different types of affairs,' says
Paula. 'A drunken one-night stand is very different to sleeping with
your sister for five years.'




Painful
though it may be for you to hear, you need to be aware of all the
facts before you can go any further.


Tip:
Resist
the temptation to ask questions you really don't need the answers
too, such as 'Is she thinner than me?' or 'Was she better in bed?'
'It's natural curiosity to want to know these things, but are you
ready to hear the answers?' says Paula. 'Will knowing that she was
quite pretty or quite slim really help you to recover?'




2.
To ask him 'Why?'
This
is the big question and it's crucial that he answers it honestly.
'What you do next will largely come as a result of how he answers
this question,' says Paula. 'If he sounds genuine and his reasons
make sense you'll be able to reach a decision far more quickly than
if he's vague or simply refuses to talk.'




TIP:
Limit the time you have for this conversation and always keep to the
point. Otherwise you'll find yourselves going round in circles,
getting more angry and tearful, but achieving very little.




Should
you stay




If
you decide your relationship is worth saving and you're willing to
try again, ask yourself these questions:




1.
Has he guaranteed that the affair is over?
2. Do you both really
understand what went wrong and why it happened?
3. Have you both
found a new, better way to resolve future problems in your
relationship?
4. Are you both willing to get help and advice from
an expert if you feel it's necessary?



If
you can answer 'yes' to these questions then there's a good chance
your relationship can recover.




But
be warned:
You can't just 'get over' an affair. 'Trust takes a moment to break
but much longer to rebuild, says Paula. 'Your partner needs to accept
that he will have to be more accountable to you for quite some time.




'For
example, if you want to check his telephone and bank statements
regularly, then he needs to let you. The recovery process takes time.
You'll probably never forget what happened, but you'll learn to keep
it somewhere else in your heart and remember it less often.'




Should
you go?




This
is a big step and not one to take in the middle of emotional turmoil.
If you're still very angry, hurt or confused you are not ready to
make this decision.




So
ask yourself:




1.
Have you given yourself enough time to consider this properly?
2.
Are you sure that this relationship is over and there's absolutely
nothing you or your partner could do to save it?




Warning:
'Breaking up is not an easy way out,' says Paula. 'You still have to
'get over' what he did. And if it's a long term relationship with
children involved, you'd be wise to get professional help before
making this decision.'