What makes one person feel loved is not always the same thing that makes another person feel loved. According to Gary Chapman in The Five Love Languages (Northfield Publishing, Chicago: 1995) there are five basic ways a person can communicate loving feelings to someone else, and that way is often not the same as someone we love. We are essentially speaking different languages. No matter how much we may tell someone we love them, if it is not in their "love language," they won't feel it.
The Five Love Languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Every one likes to hear what they are doing right. Kind words, encouragement, compliments—these are perceived as signs of love especially by those with this as their primary love language. Often we focus on "constructive criticism" or pointing out what we think the other person should change which is far less effective than praise.
Quality Time
Quality time doesn't just mean spending enough time together although that is a good start. It means time when we give our partner our undivided attention. It requires listening, not interrupting, and learning to talk about feelings.
Receiving Gifts
Gifts are a time-honored sign of love. If this is your partner's main language of love, find ways to give tokens of affection frequently. Certainly tangible gifts are nice, but don't forget the gift of attention.
Acts of Service
This language of love is often taken for granted. Help around the house, giving a backrub, cleaning up, taking the car to be washed—there are so many ways to express affection by doing service for someone else.
Physical Touch
Physical touch gets mixed up with sex all the time. Instead, it means expressing love by affectionately touching the body, stroking, patting, and holding hands. It means holding someone while they cry.
The idea with learning these "love languages" is that it will help tremendously if we identify which is our primary language and which is the language of our partner, then try to let our partner know they are loved in the way they are most likely to receive it. It may feel awkward at first but if we are persistent, we will see remarkable change. The more our partner feels loved, they will return the good feelings and everybody wins.
Although Dr. Chapman does not cover this in his book, we can also win by learning to express our love in all five "languages." As we expand in our capacity for love and the ability to be loving to the world around us, we can express ourselves in all five ways and not live in a world where it has to be only our way.
Visiting a foreign country certainly has its obstacles, perhaps the greatest being the language barrier. In fact, if you want to communicate properly, it would be in your best interest to learn a few words before your trip to avoid confusion and misunderstanding with taxi drivers, hotel employees and restaurant waiters. Learning those new words may take some time, but will pay off on your visit.
In the same way, communication in marriage is a learned skill, and when mastered, will pay off in multiple ways.
Gary Chapman's book, ?The Five Love Languages,? suggests that each of us has our own language when it comes to giving and receiving love. The book teaches couples to love according to their partner's love language ? which might just take a while to learn since the odds are very good that their spouse's primary language is completely different from their own!
Put on your detective hat and investigate which of the five following languages of love sounds most like the one your spouse speaks. Then start learning that language yourself and watch your marriage climb to a new level.
Quality Time ? Does your husband complain that you never have enough time left in your day for him? Maybe he frequently notes how everyone else seems to come first. Quality Time may be what speaks love to him. Spend a predetermined amount of time each week to reconnect without distractions and focus solely on your marriage.
Words of Affirmation ? The person whose love language is Words of Affirmation is seeking verbal expressions of your love and appreciation. She is also more sensitive to your tone and body language so pay attention not only to what you say but how you say it. If you're not comfortable telling your wife how much she means to you, practice makes perfect. She'll appreciate the effort.
Gifts ? Don't worry'if your spouse's love language is Gifts, it doesn't mean you have to go broke! Pick up that CD or book he's been eying or even a simple greeting card. What counts is that you took the time to pick up something special just for him. A clue that his love language is Gifts: He seems to find great pleasure in giving to you!
Acts of Service ? Does your wife enthusiastically express her gratitude when you do the dishes, sweep the floor, change the baby's diaper, or brush the snow from her car in the winter? These kind acts of service are likely what makes her feel loved. So grab a broom or the snow brush and start doing!
Physical Touch ? This language isn't limited to romantic touch, although that certainly can be included. A hug, holding hands, a back rub, or a gentle touch on the shoulder speaks volumes to the man whose primary love language is Physical Touch.
When you first start speaking a foreign language, your speech will probably be broken and awkward. But the more you speak the words, the clearer they will become. It is the same when learning a new love language. Keep practicing even when it gets tough. If you do, it won't be long before you'll be able to communicate fluently in your spouse's language of love.
Both Catherine Auman Mft & Lynn Powers are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Catherine Auman Mft has sinced written about articles on various topics from self improvement and motivation, Depression Cure and self improvement and motivation. Catherine Auman, MFT is a spiritual psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, Calfornia. She has advanced training in both traditional and alternative methodologies based on ancient traditions and wisdom teachings. Visit her online at. Catherine Auman Mft's top article generates over 8100 views. to your Favourites.