[G112]Get Back With Your Ex

It should come as no surprise that the divorce rate in America stands at 50% for first marriages, 67% for second marriages and a startling 74% for third marriages (third time is not a charm after all). With our natural disappointment with these figures, it stands to reason that accepting a break-up is not the correct long-term solution for any relationship. Often, perseverance in trying to get back with an ex makes sense, although your most-trusted friends and relatives will probably argue otherwise. Still, it is unfair to blame friends and family without first understanding the basis for their often-misguided advice.
Typically what happens when you get into an argument with a partner is your friends and family take your side, recall some long-forgiven argument you had in the past, and tell you that things happen for a reason, it's time to move on. Unless children are involved, friends and family seldom recommend that you get back with your ex because it is usually easier to suggest the path of least resistance (moving on and finding someone else). Additionally, friends and relatives remember the last major argument and when they see that you are unhappy and heartbroken yet again, they want it to end so they can see you smiling and happy. Lastly, none of them want you to be vulnerable, they do not want to encourage you to put yourself at risk and become vulnerable again. In other words, they support the break-up because they love you want you to be happy.
Another interesting fact is that people are more likely to complain about things than praise them. The same holds true for relationships. Rarely will we hang out with our friends and brag about how well our partner treats us, how our partner appreciates everything we do. Obviously, we hold back our praise because we do not want to brag. Also, we come to expect proper treatment, so often it is not even a worthwhile conversation piece to talk about our "everyday" experiences with a partner. This leaves only the complaints, meaning that when friends and family think of our relationship with our partner, they have likely heard way more complaints and than praise about our partner. So, once a break-up happens, their natural response is to urge us to move on.
Getting back to the divorce statistics listed in the opening paragraph, take note of how many of your friends and family acknowledge these divorce rates as national or serious problems. Listen to what they attribute as the source of the problem, and then ask yourself why they would urge you to move on after a break up instead of encouraging you to get back with your ex.
Equipped with a general foundation for why friends and family might support a break-up rather than backing you in your attempts to get back with an ex, you should start to realize that their advice is often misguided. Does that make them bad sounding boards and/or terrible friends and relatives? To the contrary, it makes them great friends and relatives because it proves just how much they care for you. But you should be cautious when taking their advice. Often, they dismiss your feelings for wanting to get back with your ex (actually for good reason, although it is outside the scope of this article) even though these feelings are not only legitimate, but your desire to get back with your ex is justifiable on so many levels (provided, of course, there was no abuse, cheating, lying, etc., etc.). In fact, if the problem leading up to the break-up was one of misunderstanding, then it is extremely likely that the long-term strength of your relationship will increase.
The most common type of misunderstandings that lead to break-ups are financial arguments and other value misalignments like agreeing to do something and then consistently failing to do it. These misunderstandings are easy to identify as trivial and minor when they are happening to someone else, but in real-life relationships they cause a great deal of tension and therapists often cite them as the reason for the break-up in the first place. Use this same type of third-party distance with your own misunderstandings and you will see that with a bit of accommodation and compromise, they can be easily resolved.
In summary, break-ups are seldom a permanent solution to any relationship. In most cases, they are temporary testing periods which can lead to a strengthened relationship at the end of this period. You can definitely succeed when you try to get back with your ex, but it may take patience and a greater, objective understanding of how these things tend to unfold. Bottom line, your friends and family do not want to see you hurt again; their advice is not always based on all of the facts. Only your heart and feelings will tell you whether you should fight to get back with an ex, and statistically, it makes sense that you don't give up after a break-up.