[H255]Help For Social Phobia

For example: A man wants to be a boxer, so he gets a manager and a trainer. His manager will not setup a bout for him until he has built up enough skill and stamina. And even then, the manager will only put him up against a competitor that he knows his fighter can overcome. When his fighter beats the contender, he is successful, and starts to gain a feeling of belief in his proficiency.

With each bout, the manager puts his contestant up against a competitor who is only a little bit better of a contender then the last, but not good enough to beat his man. By the end of the third fight, the young man begins to expect to win his fourth, and so his confidence continues to grow. This series of events continues to repeat itself. And as long as the man is victorious, his expectations of success, and his feelings of self-confidence will continue to grow.

If a person who has a long history of success and feelings of self-confidence does fail, they still tend to expect success the next time out. Conversely, when a person who is weak in the self-confidence department fails, they tend to lose confidence, and begin to expect failure, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Having self-confidence doesn't mean that individuals will be successful at everything. People, who have true self-confidence, usually have expectations that are sensible. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves.

People, who are not self-confident, tend to lean unreasonably on the recognition of others in order to feel self-esteem. They avoid risks because of the fear of failure. They put themselves down and tend to discount or ignore compliments that they do receive.

Conversely, self-assured people will risk the disapproval of other people because they generally have faith in their own competence. They tend to accept. A lack of confidence is often the result of focusing much too strongly on the unreal expectations of others, especially friends and parents. The influence of peers can be more powerful than those of parents in shaping the feelings about one's self.

Beliefs That Continue to Influence Self-Confidence

In response to external influences, people create assumptions; some of these are helpful and some are not. Several assumptions that can interfere with self-confidence and better ways of thinking are:

ASSUMPTION: I must always be successful at everything. This assumption is totally unrealistic. In life, each person has their strengths, and their weaknesses. While it's important to learn to do the best that one can, it's more important to learn to accept the self as being human, and fallible. Feel good about what you are good at, and accept the fact that no one knows everything nor are they an expert at everything.

ASSUMPTION: I must be perfect, and loved by everyone, and satisfy everyone. Again, this is totally unrealistic. All human beings are deficient. It's better to develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.

ASSUMPTION: Everything that happened to me in the past remains in control of my feelings and behaviors in the present.

ALTERNATIVE: While it is true that your confidence was especially influenced by external influences when you were a young child, as you grow to adulthood, you can gain understanding and perspective on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don't have to be helpless because of your past.

HERE ARE SOME STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING CONFIDENCE

Emphasize Your Strengths. Bestow upon yourself credit for everything you can do. And bestow upon yourself credit for every new experience that you are willing to attempt.

Take risks. Adopt the point of view of: I never fail, because there are NO failures. However, sometimes I find out what doesn't work, and once I've learned what doesn't work in a given situation, I can attempt some other action.

Use Self-Talk: Use self-talk as a technique to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to stop. Substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting perfection, remind yourself that it's impossible to be an expert at everything, and that it's only possible to do things to the best of your ability. This allows you to accept yourself while still working towards improvement.

Make mental movies: Visualize yourself in the various scenarios that you currently lack confidence in. But see yourself behaving as like a person who has tremendous self-confidence would. There are many effective NLP and Hypnosis processes that you can use to build a monumental amount of confidence from within your unconscious mind. There are even NLP techniques that will let you take confidence that you do have in areas of your life, and then transplant that confidence to areas of your life that are lacking confidence!

Self-Evaluate: Learn to judge yourself independently. refrain from the habitual sense of chaos that comes from relying on what other people think.

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