Communication problems are one of the biggest sources of relationship conflict and they can become so serious that complete relationship breakdown results. Often people don't listen attentively to one another. Active listening is not about agreeing with someone, it is simply about understanding what the other person is trying to say.
It is a structured approach to establishing true understanding in communication yet it can be conducted in a relaxed and informal way so that it flows naturally from the conversation itself. It involves listening, questioning and rephrasing to ensure that the message received is the same as the one intended to be given.
The most important aspect of communication lies not in the speaking, but surprisingly in the listening. This is because that all perception is subjective and every word that we hear is filtered through our personal beliefs and values. Consequently, we can place an emotional meaning on an exchange that is unintended by the speaker.
When we decide to listen actively to someone's words, we are choosing to be objective and distance ourselves from our own automatic responses. The way we hear someone, can have more to do with us than with the other person. Active listening, therefore, promotes both focused attention and objectivity.
Communication is a two-way process. However, whereas the speaker assumes that the listener is hearing what he intends to say, the listener has the power to clarify meaning and control the exchange. Unfortunately, people often are only half listening to a conversation and are distracted by other things. When they are listening carefully, they are biased in how they hear. No wonder, then, that interpersonal communication is a major problem area for people. We all have different ways of looking at the world and different experiences which can interfere with how we "read" another person and interpret what is being said.
Active listening is the process of focusing on what the speaker is saying and then saying it back in one's own words to ensure that accurate communication has occurred, i.e. "This is what I heard you say, is this correct?" Active listening encourages mutual understanding. A listener who is practicing active listening can also mirror back to the speaker the emotions that they think he or she is conveying by their words, attitude and body language.
For example, an active listener might say to a speaker "I get the sense that you felt humiliated when ..." This allows the speaker to either confirm or deny this or clarify their position further. By mirroring emotions as well as rephrasing the words, the listener can create a strong sense of rapport with the other person by demonstrating empathy and a genuine desire to understand.
There are clear benefits to using active listening skills to enhance interpersonal communication and minimize conflict. Firstly, active listening requires that you actually pay close attention to what the other person is saying. You cannot half listen to someone and at the same time be thinking of something else and expect to understand the other person's intentions.
So by practicing active listening you choose to deliberately focus your attention on what someone is saying and how they are saying it. Secondly, active listening helps to avoid misunderstandings. The very practice of expressing back to someone what you believe they have said and even how you believe they are feeling about the topic can prevent misinterpretation. Finally, active listening encourages openness and trust because the genuine intention of the hearer is to actually understand the intention of the speaker.
Interpersonal conflict involves a great deal of miscommunication. Each party can contradict the other person's interpretation of words and events while being equally confident that they are right and the other person is at the least mistaken, and at the most a liar. It is no wonder that such attitudes trigger defensiveness in the other person causing them to either fight back or stop trying.
The way that we perceive other people and what they are attempting to communicate to us is central to the success of our relationships. Once we understand that as listeners we have a large part to play in the success of the communication process, we realize the power of active listening to improve our relationships and change our lives. When both parties to a conversation commit themselves to the process of active listening, conflicts can be resolved and relationships can be strengthened.
Active listening can be used for all forms of interpersonal communication. It can improve communication in the workplace and thus enhance your career. It can also be used to enhance personal relationships at all levels. You can learn active listening skills easily and improve them by practicing. The benefits of doing so will be enormous.
Listening creates connection, caring, a sense of community or belonging and can be a catharsis for the speaker. It is one of the most important aspects of a helping relationship. Also, listening is good for your health. It can lower blood pressure and lead to increased relaxation for the listener.
Listening is an art that can be mastered with some understanding of what is required and practice.
First of all, it is an active experience which requires involvement and commitment. While listening may appear passive, it is important to remember that during listening, the inside of your brain is extremely active. To be a good listener, you have to want to listen. It means doing what needs to be done rather than what you might sometimes like to do.
Second, the good listener needs to have patience. If you are in a hurry and are anxious to get the situation "solved" or "fixed," chances are that you will do a poor job of listening and a poor job of caring. Part of being patient also means not filling every silence during the conversation. Silences are usually not as long as they seem. You do not have to keep the conversation going.
Third, the physical setting is important when you are listening to someone. Listening can happen in many places as long as there are no major distractions. The goal is to give your full attention so that the person is able to comfortably share concerns with you.
It also helps if you and the person you are listening to feel reasonably comfortable and relaxed. Sometimes this may mean you need to plan ahead to insure the setting is as distraction-free as possible and interruptions are minimized. If distractions are excessive, you have two options: end the session with a plan to meet later, or continue, trying to do the best that you can.
Now that the stage is set for listening, the following points describe how to listen:
? Be attentive; use your eyes to watch for nonverbal cues. Keep your ears keen and you heart open.
? Look at the person (eye contact) and look alert.
? Do not drum or tap your fingers, play with a pencil or other objects, glance or stare at your watch or yawn deeply.
? Acknowledge what is being said by paraphrasing or reflecting what the person is saying and feeling. This shows understanding and allows him or her to correct anything that my have been misunderstood. Also, it encourages the person to expand on what was being said.
? Make sure your tone of voice and facial expression communicate acceptance which demonstrates you are committed to helping.
? Ask questions that are open-ended (how, what, when, where). Check out what he or she hears, thinks, feels, wants, and plans to do. Do not ask too many questions. Spend most of your time listening. Stay away from "why" questions which make people feel defensive.
? Listen for feelings, thoughts or ideas, attitudes about the situation, opinions about what can be done, body language, recurring themes or contradictions.
? Avoid quick conclusions and trying to figure out solutions for the problem.
Being a good listener is especially important when someone has problems to talk about. You might think of him or her as being stuck in a mud hole. There are at least three approaches to listening to someone who is stuck:
1. Sympathy - If you are sympathetic, you might have a feeling of concern without becoming involved. It is feeling sorry for the person in the mud hole as you stand off to the side. Maybe you send supplies. Although concerned, you remain apart. A close meaningful relationship is not established. Sometimes this is appropriate and all you can offer.
2. Over-identification - If you are over-identifying with the person who has the problem, you are taking on the feelings and characteristics of that person to the point that the problem becomes yours. It involves jumping into the mud hole and possibly getting as mired in the difficulty as the person you are listening to. When this occurs, you can lose yourself in the relationship. You are no longer able to be objective.
3. Empathy - If you are showing empathy for the person in the mud hole, you are feeling the problem as if it is yours without taking it on yourself. It does not mean you agree with everything the person is thinking or feeling but that you are able to see things from his or her perspective. You keep your own reality while understanding the other person's thoughts, feelings and concerns. You get involved while maintaining control of yourself. It is an important aspect of Emotional Intelligence and critical for building trust.
Sharpening listening skills is an active process that puts care into action. It is a skill that requires practice. We listen to show caring, to learn new information, and to understand rather than force conformity. Attentive listeners observe, acknowledge, encourage, check out, interpret and sometimes agree to disagree.
Listening has many rewards. As you practice sharpening your listening skills, notice how it helps you gain trust and build closer relationships both at home and in your work.
Both Kevin Sinclair & Maurine Patten are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
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