After working on herself emotionally and spiritually for a number of years, Katie, now 48, felt she was ready for a new relationship. So she joined an online dating service and promptly met Sean, who seemed too good to be true. Warm, compassionate, intelligent, and also on a personal and spiritual growth path, Sean, 55, was an available man! Now Katie's fears that she would not meet someone turned to fears of being in a relationship again.
Katie had learned how to take loving care of herself when she was alone or with friends, but doing this with a man was another matter. She had never actually taken care of herself in any of her relationships, and she was very worried that she would let herself down again.
Katie wanted some guidelines regarding loving actions she could take for herself as she started to explore the relationship with Sean, and she wrote to me asking me for these loving actions. So here they are ? some loving actions to take when first exploring a new relationship:
1. Stay focused inside your own body, noticing your own feelings rather than just being tuned into the other person's feelings. Stay conscious of NOT taking responsibility for the others person's feelings of worth or security, and NOT making the other person responsible for your feelings of worth or security.
2. Make a solid decision before getting together with the other person that you are willing to lose the other person rather than lose yourself. Make a conscious decision to NOT make the other person's wants, needs and feelings more important than your own.
3. Stay clear on your own truth, NOT letting the other person talk you in or out of what feels good and right for you.
4. Be willing to take full, 100% responsibility for behaving in a way that makes you feel worthy, safe and powerful. Be willing to be who you really are rather than trying to impress. Make a conscious decision that being in integrity with who you really are, is more important than getting the other person's approval.
5. Do NOT disregard the big or small things that you find difficult, intolerable or unacceptable. If something is unacceptable or intolerable to you early in the relationship, the chances are that it is not going to get better. Do NOT convince yourself that, because there are so many good things about this person, you can overlook the problems or get the other person to change. This NEVER works!
Fears of rejection can emerge very early in a relationship. Some people are terrified of doing something wrong and being rejected, because they make they other person responsible for their feelings of worth and lovability. The fear of rejection can lead a person to give him/herself up to the other person, thereby touching off fears of engulfment ? of loving oneself and being controlled or consumed by the other person. Thus, fears of loss ? loss of self or loss of other ? often surface quickly and people find themselves either giving in or pulling away in their efforts to protect themselves from their fears.
If you allow fear to guide you, you will likely either pull away or end up in an unsatisfying relationship. The most important thing to remember as you move into exploring a new relationship is: LET LOVE BE YOUR GUIDE, NOT FEAR. This means that you need to be open to learning about what is most loving to YOU ? what is really in your highest good ? rather than trying to have control over not being rejected or controlled by the other person. So, number six is:
6. Keep asking your inner wisdom, ?What is the loving action toward myself right now? What is in my highest good right now??
If you keep asking this vital question, you will find your way through exploring a new relationship without losing yourself and without getting hurt by the other person.
Any new relationship can be full of new things to become accustomed to. If you've been recently divorced or gotten out of a long relationship, it can be easy to feel very insecure. You're with someone completely new and different and you're not sure what they are thinking or how they are feeling. Below you will find some important tips for handling insecurities in a new relationship.
Remember That It Is Not Just New to You -
One of the most important things you can remember to help you get over your insecurities is that you're not the only one feeling them. Chances are, your new sweetheart is feeling pretty insecure as well. Naturally, you would probably think that they have nothing to be insecure about. Well, this is probably what they're thinking about you as well. Remember that you're not the only one feeling insecure at this moment - everyone does in new relationships. It makes things easier when you realize that it's a new ballgame for the other person as well.
Be Yourself -
You've most likely heard this before, but it's a very important point of advice. When you let your true colors shine through and be yourself, you are being honest with your new partner. This allows them the chance to see you for who you really are. If they don't like it - then why would you want to be with them anyway? If they are really the one for you, they will like you for who you are. So, remember to be yourself when you are with your new sweetheart and allow them to feel comfortable enough to be themselves.
Don't Over-Analyze -
Many times, when we are feeling insecure about something, we think and think and analyze it until we've made a tiny issue into a huge issue. It's sort of like picking at a small cut until it becomes infected! Don't allow yourself to think too much. After all, relationships and love are not logical - they are emotional. Simply allow yourself to go with the flow and take it one moment at a time. Sure - there are things that you will always be insecure about, but it's who you are. Why let it bug you to death? Don't over-analyze things and you will be fine!
New relationships are tough and sometimes pretty scary. By looking at the tips and guidance above, you can get past the small things like insecurities and move on with the great things - like your new partner! Good luck and go get 'em tiger!
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Both Margaret Paul, Ph.d. & Dani Taylor are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Margaret Paul, Ph.d. has sinced written about articles on various topics from Parenting, Divorce and Infidelity and Cure Anxiety. Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: