Maturing from a teen into a young adult is a period of intense exploration of your individual beliefs and goals in life. For many teens, it is a time of excitement yet turmoil; everything is rapidly changing around you and you struggle to keep your feet on the ground. Surviving your teen years is possible with perseverance and a positive outlook on life.
High school is a critical period in which you are establishing patterns now that will dictate how you will deal with life planning. It is very important to the success of your future goals to set up habits such as, effective time management and organizational skills, that will keep you from losing sight of your goals.
Even if you haven't identified any goals yet, cultivating great habits early on will assist you when you finally have decided upon your aspirations.
High school should be viewed as a training ground for real life. Treat assignments and obligations as an actual job (even though you won't be getting paid!) by meeting deadlines and keeping your promises. You will find yourself experiencing great satisfaction from completing tasks that are required and you will also be viewed as dependable and responsible by adults in your life ? future employers love these qualities.
Keep in mind that everything you do while in high school affects your future. If you fail to maintain satisfactory grades, you probably won't be accepted into that top-notch training program you were eyeing. Or, if you neglected to learn some of the material from high school, you risk having to relearn that information further down the line when you need it to maintain a job.
Your actions have consequences; however, you can determine if the consequences will have a negative or positive effect on the quality of your life by being conscious of the decisions you make. Find an adult that you admire and use that person as a mentor for valuable advice and positive feedback.
No one is advocating a boring life that is void of fun and games. You should certainly be enjoying the opportunities to experience life with peers because these experiences can also teach you important lessons about yourself and life. The most critical thing to remember is that you must aim for a balance between getting the most out of your education while making time to have a little fun. Isn't your future worth it?
It is important to understand what is happening for teens during this unique time in their lives. The teen years are focusing on several developmental issues:
- Who am I? During this time of individuation, teens have two high level needs which are belonging and autonomy. - Do I matter? The question here is what is my purpose or what will give my life meaning.
- How will I spend my time and with whom will I spend it? This question has to do with time and relationship issues.
Recent brain research indicates that new imaging techniques reveal that the teen brain does not work like an adult brain. The frontal cortex of the brain which is responsible for controlling impulses, critical thinking, and problem solving is not fully developed until around age 25. This is because the mylinazation process (insulation around the nerves) is not complete until around 25 years old. Therefore, neurons in the brain process and interpret information differently than an adult does. This is one of the reasons why some states have recently raised the age for getting a license to drive.
Since these developmental and physiological issues are outside of a parent's control, you may be wondering what you can do. There are two functions of effective parenting: love and guidance. You want to have a balance between them. Too much love may become overly permissive if there are not some basic family rules. Likewise, too many rules may come across as if you do not love and respect your teen.
To balance love and guidance:
On the love side -
- Pay attention to them.
- Treat them as valuable.
- Show appreciation for what they do.
- Give encouragement for the effort they put into something they are doing or for the enjoyment they will get out of doing it. Just saying "good job" conveys judgment, not love.
- Strengthen togetherness as a family by giving gratitude statements, having occasional "fun nights", and involving them in some holiday planning.
On the guidance side -
- Create greater emotional safety by stepping in when you sense your teens are having trouble saying "No" to peers. It is sometimes easier for teens to be able to say that my parent(s) said "No".
- Use natural and logical consequences whenever possible.
- Focus on prevention rather than punishment.
- Promote conscience development by showing your teens exactly how their actions favorably or unfavorably impact others.
Communicating with teens is important. Parents are often faced with the dilemma of nagging about or ignoring problems. Contrary to most parenting advice, you need to stop ignoring things that could potentially become serious problems. Ignoring with teens gives them license to do whatever they want. Remember two things: teens tend to be naturally power-oriented and their brains are not fully developed to have the self-management skills you would like them to have. Consider your options.
The number one error most parents make is to sound like they are nagging. Nagging can be:
- Corrective - scold, criticize, punish, time out, yell.
- Directive - boss, remind, request, order.
To know if you are doing too much nagging, ask yourself the following question: Of all the messages I have given in the last 48 hours, what percent are corrective and what percent are directive? Fifty percent or higher is too much. The ideal is about twenty-five percent done in a calm way. This percentage produces fewer confrontations and less family tension.
What can you do instead? When there is tension in your relationship with your teens, there are four things you want to do to avoid a power struggle. These need to be done in a clear, calm, and congruent way. You want to:
1. Understand how your teens feel, see things, and what their needs are.
2. Give information and feedback about how their actions impact you or others in a negative way and how they (the teens) are being hurt.
3. Help develop a win-win solution where both of your needs are met.
4. Tell what you will do to support any changes your teens agree to.
If your teens are angry, it is best to respond with empathy. You might say something like, "This is a hard time for you insn't it." Then you might suggest another time to talk when both of you can be calmer.
To further improve communication, Positive Psychology research indicates promising results using Appreciative Inquiry both at home and work. This is a way of talking to someone that focuses attention away from problems and toward solutions. It is not denying negatives. It is a positive approach to learning and change that reveals possibilities.
Appreciative Inquire is based on the belief that:
- What you expect to happen influences your choices and what you do.
- A positive focus supports positive outcomes and well-being.
This means that your image of the future guides your current actions and behavior. You create your future in the present, carrying your best from the past. You may be wondering how you do this. You do it by creating your future through your current choices and attention. To test this out for yourself, ask yourself:
1. What are the times when you are at your best as a parent?
2. What is a peak experience you have had as a parent?
3. Who do you admire for their skills and abilities in parenting?
4. What are one or two things you would like to do more of as an effective parent?
5. What do you need to feel good as a parent?
Write down what you have learned about yourself from answering these questions. These are also good questions to ask your teens about themselves when they are in a receptive mood.
Think of this time in your teen's life as a time for you to be:
- Authentic which means good self-awareness so you can manage your own emotions.
- Positive and optimistic.
- Patient; be ready to take a break in communicating if there is too much tension to reach a win-win solution.
- Engaged in the process so you can convey both love and guidance.
Parenting calls you to an expanded capacity for living and loving each day. Are you ready for the adventure?
Both Cathy Warschaw & Maurine Patten are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Cathy Warschaw has sinced written about articles on various topics from Kids and Teens, Soccer and Internet Marketing. Written by Cathy Warschaw, Director of the Warschaw Learning Institute. Offering cds, eBooks and online training for the dental and medical field. Register for our newsletter at www.WarschawLearningInstitute.com ?2005. Cathy Warschaw's top article generates over 60500 views. to your Favourites.