We were not born with a built-in gene that must say "yes" to every request that comes our way. So why do we feel compelled to give our time away to others.
Each one of us have a barrage of reasons why we just can't say "no" to our neighbor, friend, co-worker, love one, family member. How many tasks on your "To Do" lists are there because of other people's requests? Are you frustrated with yourself for responding to others in the same old way? Why not try something different.
I think it's just so simple...exercise...build your "no" muscles. I can hear the "moans" right now....exercise!!!!! Here are 4 tips to start exercising now. By the way, this kind of exercise can be fun.
1. Create of list of the times you said "yes" when you wanted to say "no." Have fun, become absurd, and still capture all those times when you just wanted to say "no." You can do this exercise with a friend...she too may be struggling with the "can't say no disease."
2. Next to each time you said "yes," put the name of the person you said "yes" to and why. No judgments allowed here....just become aware of your choices...your decisions.
3. Did you find that one person was taking a lot of your time? Or a certain situation surfaces that you are good at and everyone always asks for your help. Let's try an experiment. For the next 30 days, each day say "no" at least once to that person or to one situation that you would normally say "yes."
Making a change can bring up anxiety in a person, so start slow with your responses of "no". If you do it for 30 days, once a day, you will become more flexible with your "no's."
4. Keep a journal - every day take time to write on what you said "no" to, to whom, and how you felt after having done so. You may have a whole range of reactions....from guilt to ecstatic (what took me so long). The writing doesn't have to take long, just enough time to capture the experience for you. You are exercising your "change" muscles.
Final Thoughts
Ask yourself, "What is the best use of my time right now. If I say "yes" to this request, what will I have to remove from my current "To Do" list to make time for this new request?"
We all have to make choices with our time, so prioritize what is important for you to be confident and contented in your life, and let go of the rest. If you use guilt as the guide for your decisions, each time you say "yes" to something you really don't want to do, you give away a bit of your happiness.
From now on, exercise your "no" muscles.
Copyright (c) 2008 Pat Brill
A big piece of the problem lies in the idea that saying "no" is not nice. When you get to be a big kid, you learn it's important to be nice. Nice trumps honest, fair, and reasonable once we move into adulthood. Nice can be deadly if you're doing too much.
Being effective with how to say "no" is essential. Life is more vibrant when we don't take on things that aren't ours to carry. Saying "yes" to the wrong things doesn't do right by the people making the requests either. Agreeing to do it because someone else asked you to--when a different approach is needed--is a lie. Lies complicate relationships. This particular lie also takes away that person's chance to learn to achieve whatever the real solution was. They rely on you instead. You lose. They lose.
The saddest part is that when we do say "no," it tends to be to those who don't deserve it, especially ourselves. We say "no" to the fun and "yes" to the work. "No" to what we like and "yes" to what others prefer. (And then we wonder why we are stressed!) We say "no" to the people who deserve our time and "yes" to chores no one else wants to do. We need a better set of rules for this.
Here they are: Rule #1. Be honest. Is this really yours to do? If not, who should be doing it? Is that person available? If not, why are you the one asked to handle it?? And then there's the biggie: Is this important enough that anyone should be doing it?
Rule #2. Be authentic. Do you believe in what you are being asked to do? Do you really want to do it? Is it truly your responsibility? Or is "yes" just easier? "No" takes more courage up front but "yes" takes a lot more time.
Rule #3. Stay the course. Even when you know you need to say "no" it's easy to be derailed by sweet talk. Be alert to the folks who tell you how great you are at whatever they need done. A lot of us believe we HAVE to say "yes" to anyone who asks nicely. Not really. We just need to say "no" nicely.
And that's the other part of this. The courage to say "no" often doesn't come until we are at the boiling point. Then "no" is lobbed like a hand grenade. Saying it as "the last straw'" often has catastrophic results. The big fight that results just isn't worth it. Overly-delayed, "no'" is almost always part of a major explosion. Not pretty. Not good. But instead of learning how to use the word at the right time, we decide not to use it at all.
Say "no" when you first become aware it's the right answer. Be specific. "No. I can't take on the fundraising chairmanship." (You can add "Sorry" if you want.) Stay it gently. "I'd love to do something with you, but not that movie." And particularly, with kids and teenagers, you have to say it clearly or they will still hear "yes." "No, you can't do that" is more effective than "I don't think that's a good idea."
What about the situations where the person you have to refuse is difficult? You still have to say it. And you have to learn to say it calmly and with confidence again and again—even if that person is verbally abusive. Harriet Lerner's The Dance of Connection is a great resource for these situations. (The subtitle is "How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed or Desperate.")
Do say "yes" to what's important. Say "yes" when it makes your heart sing. But "no" is a good answer, too. Believe it and mean it and say it with grace.
Both Pat Brill & Mary Lloyd are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Pat Brill has sinced written about articles on various topics from self improvement and motivation, Recreation and Sports and Family. Pat Brill is the co-author of "Busy Moms: The Heart and Soul of a Home", ( ) an ebook. Pat Brill's top article generates over 14800 views. to your Favourites.
Mary Lloyd has sinced written about articles on various topics from self improvement and motivation, Fitness and Careers and Job Hunting. Mary Lloyd is author of Supercharged Retirement: Ditch the Rocking Chair, Trash the Remote, and Do What You Love, to be released April 1, 2009. She offers seminars for individuals and consults to businesses on how to attract and use retired talent. She. Mary Lloyd's top article generates over 3600 views. to your Favourites.