I'm going to put an ad in the LA Times LOST & FOUND column to find out where 2006 went. I don't know. I don't know when years started to have only eight months.It must have been when hours started to have only forty minutes. What I do know is that all of us will have something in common in 2007, no matter how fast the year passes. We will all be a year older. I, like everyone else, want to live healthfully and happily to a very old age; but presently I'm dealing with middle age.
According to statistics, the average life expectancy is now 77.6, which means middle age would be 38.8 The dictionary is more generous. Using the euphemism "adulthood", it defines this time as the years between 40 and 65. Of course, with 50 being the new 40 and 70 being the new 50, who knows anymore. My personal definition is 10 years older than I am.
However, we can't fool ourselves. We know when we're "mature", which is another one of the dictionary's euphemisms. It's when we start fighting the signs of aging. We diet, exercise and dye our hair. Men stop tucking their shirts in and women pray for sack dresses to come back into style.
A man knows he's "no longer young" when the weight of the world falls from his shoulders to his love handles. For women it falls to their hips. It's the time in our lives when the only thing we don't have trouble hearing is our bones creaking when we stand up. It's the time when fortune tellers read the lines in our faces instead of the lines in our palms. It's when men start hoping that jogging their memories counts as exercise and women are tempted to mix fabric softener with face cream to get rid of wrinkles.
But let's look on the bright side. Yes, there is a bright side. With middle age comes the wisdom and experience which helps us to better understand the world. Of course, being better able to understand the world is Mother Nature's way of compensating us for not being able to see the world without glasses.
When I was a teenager, I thought middle age was old. Now I think teenagers are too young to know what it is. Now I don't think it's old. I think it's just older. In fact, because I'm going to be a day older tomorrow, I'm going to enjoy being a younger woman today.
It's all in the genes, you see. For those who are worried that they might gradually be morphing into their father, here are ten warning signs to watch out for. Once you recognise a few of these in yourself, it's time to accept it - you are your Dad.
1. You find yourself baffled by modern technology
One minute, you're fine - you definitely know your WAP from your SMS. Then before you know it, the phone salesman is talking gobbledegook. Hypertransumation protocols? Interisational capabilities? Your may be nodding and smiling politely but your inner self is a whirlwind of turmoil and confusion screaming "Please, let me go!"
2. You make a 'huufff' noise every time you sit down, stand up or bend over
Perhaps it's a genuine medical condition or more likely it's a subconscious cry for help? "Help - I'm getting old!" perhaps?
3. The idea of spending many hours in a shed becomes appealing
For some reason, you now like making useless things out of random bits of wood and metal - pure workmanship at its best! Not forgetting your new habit of hoarding screws. From now on, you will never throw a screw away ? NEVER!
4. You use Dad-Speak
You used to understand all the current slang. Now it's more like 'in my day', ?they don't make ?em like that anymore? and 'the youth of today'. It's Dad-Speak. Get used to it.
5. The Top 40 becomes a complete mystery
'What a bloody racket'. Every song seems to be the same these days, and for some incomprehensible reason you've started calling it the ?Hit Parade?.
6. Your attitude to driving changes
You're no longer a boy racer. Now, it's all about safety, economy, comfort?and parking as close to the toilets as possible.
7. Fashion ? let's get practical
Style is overrated, warm and baggy is where it's at. A word of advice - should not be worn with socks and sandals, this is a definite sign that you're turning into your dad. Maybe on women it could be sexy in a strange way, but on men - it's a definite no.
8. You worry about the health of scantily clad women
Rather than instantly fancying girls in short skirts, your first thought is ?I hope they don't catch a cold?.
9. Hangovers from Hell
Drinking half a beer now results in a hangover that can last up to seven weeks. It never used to be like this.
10. You dance like.... well, a dad at a wedding
Once upon a time, you had rhythm, you made shapes - you ruled the dance floor. What happened to you? Now your hips are swaying back and forth like a demented pendulum, you're clicking your fingers, winking and it's all happening to the sounds of... Agadoo.
At the end of the day, it could be worse - at least you're not turning into your mum. Well, unless those man-boobs get any more out of control... then that might actually be something to worry about.
Both Knight Pierce Hirst & Isla Campbell are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Knight Pierce Hirst has sinced written about articles on various topics from Web Development, Humour and Internet Marketing. Knight Pierce Hirst takes humorous looks at life. at my website. Knight Pierce Hirst's top article generates over 135000 views. to your Favourites.
Isla Campbell has sinced written about articles on various topics from Best Beach in World, Holidays and Keyboard Synthesizer. Isla Campbell writes for a digital marketing agency. This article has been commissioned by a client of said agency. This article is not designed to promote, but should be considered professional content.. Isla Campbell's top article generates over 3600 views. to your Favourites.