my last tube of generic StriVectin-SD® and I hear that hemorrhoid cream works wonders

on wrinkles," says Jennifer.

Since he’s on Medicare Part D, Uncle Howard has a tendency to play stingy with his meds, even

if they are over-the-counter. Before sharing his goods, he wonders, “Why in the world

would you use a hemorrhoid cream on your face?"

“Uncle R", quips Jennifer, “I watched a video on YouTube and this up-and-coming star from Wichita

named Tama-Ra swears that Preparation-H saved her eyes from looking like they had vomited raisons

the day before she auditioned for American Idol."

“Forget that silly stuff darling. All that my tube of Prep-H has is a vasoconstrictor. It

closes up blood vessels. Unlike my rectum, your face needs blood to look young and vibrant. You get

me? My blood doesn’t flow as freely and robustly as it did when Sammy Davis Junior was hip. Ergo, I

look like an ‘Old Farf’ as you call it."

“Old Fart, Uncle H, not ‘Old Farf’, it’s “Old Fart," corrects Jennifer.

“LIke I was saying," continues Uncle Howard, “Preparation-H has a lot of moisturizers

similar to those you’d find in any overpriced wrinkle cream, such as mineral oil, petrolatum, corn oil,

lanolin, thyme oil and shark liver oil."

Looking dazed and a tad annoyed, Jennifer ponders, “Well, what should I do? I don’t want to look

old."

From his pedestal of knowledge, Uncle Howard offers, “I know of two no-nonsense ways to look good:

Take care of yourself and have lots of good, and in your case, protected sex. This way, your blood is

carousing fast and that pale face of yours will rosy up and look plumper than prize winning pig."

After realizing to whom he was talking, Howard proposes, “If you’re looking for a better

way to spend your puny allowance on creams you don’t need, buy something

with retinoids in it. That stuff helps prevent your skin and collagen from degrading like sugar cubes in

rain. So if you don't mind, get out of here. I need to inject myself

with the one of the best wrinkle creams in the world."

References:

The Science behind Wrinkle Erasers. Prevention; August 2007; vol 59, no 8, p 110.

Wyeth Consumer Healthcare.

http://www.preparationh.com/hemorrhoid_medications/ointment/ointment_package_label.asp.

November 12, 2007.