I recently posted an article to my website about how certain beliefs underpin stress, depression and anxiety. One of the main beliefs I briefly introduced concerns helplessness. Helplessness is a major part of these illnesses so let's look at how you can reduce the impact this flawed belief has.
Believing you are helpless in life is a truly terrible feeling and I write from personal experience here. For five years, a number of traumatic events led me to the point where I believed life held nothing but pain and anguish. I truly believed life would unfold in a way that would destroy me and there wasn't a single thing I could do about it.
Perhaps you've felt this way too?
The underlying belief is the important factor here. It is a firm belief that life is something that happens to you and you have NO CONTROL over anything. In short, you are a powerless, passive recipient for whatever life decides to throw at you.
It is an awful state to be in. Furthermore, this belief simply isn't true.
Let me give an example. Say you and your partner split up. Now, this can be one very traumatic experience, I've been through it, so have many others. You react in a highly negative and emotionally arousing way:
?I'm devastated. He/she was my whole world and now my world has fallen apart. Everything I do in life always goes wrong and this is another disaster. I'll never be happy again.?
Wow. It's a powerful reaction isn't it? I'm sure you, like me, have either reacted this way to an event or you've heard someone react this way. It is a very damaging way to assign a meaning to an event you are confronted with.
The last two sentences reveal the belief in helplessness. The key words are: Everything always goes wrong and never be happy again. When you react in such a way, you are telling yourself that you are helpless because nothing has ever gone right for you and you'll never be happy no matter what. You're saying you cannot control anything and therefore, you truly believe you're helpless.
How do you think you'll feel when you react like this? Exactly. You'll feel deeply unhappy, confused, frustrated and of course, helpless to change your life. Why would you feel anything else? Everything ALWAYS goes wrong and you'll NEVER be happy again so what's the point of doing anything to create change?
Do you see how helplessness works? But it simply isn't true. Of course, there are many things in life that are entirely beyond your control. Other people and Mother Nature to name but two. There are things in life you have some control over ? where you live and work for example. It is important to keep these facts about control firmly in mind.
Here's the most important fact about helplessness: There is one thing you have full control over in your life and that is how you react and assign meanings to everything you are confronted with. In the example above, a better reaction would be:
?OK, my relationship hasn't worked but other things in my life are going well and I'll concentrate on them for a while as I come to terms with what's happened. Just because this relationship hasn't worked out, it doesn't mean future relationships will fail and once I've got over this, I'll get out there and find someone better.?
See the difference? You're keeping control by assigning a less emotional meaning, a meaning more in keeping with reality. You're acknowledging that you're hurting, but that this is temporary and when you're ready, you'll try again. You know you have other things in your life that you can concentrate on and this reaction will prevent a feeling of helplessness arising.
See you soon.
When life presents many challenges the desire to control can seem natural. There is the illusion that if we control events, ourselves and others, we will be safe, successful and secure. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. The tighter we grip, hold on and manipulate, the more out of control we become.
Especially in relationships, where people feel vulnerable, where emotions are high and a great deal is at stake, the wish to control arises. At first this may appear as possessiveness, wanting to know all about what the partner is doing, dictating what he/she can or cannot do. Possessive often intensifies. Power struggles erupt. There is the sense that the person belongs to you and you have the right to direct their choices and the way their life goes.
Both the person dominating and the one being dominated lose freedom and well-being. Although the dominant one may say they are doing it out of love, for the good of the partner, the bottom line is that there is fear and anger here, manifesting as the desire to control. Love always honors and respects another, it gives a person space to be who they are, to make their own changes and discoveries. It does not seek to take over another's life, but to enhance it.
However, some very much enjoy being controlled. They feel that if their partners are possessiveness and controlling, it means that they care. This is a dangerous confusion. When one individual controls another, it is always to make themselves feel safe and secure.
The Dynamics Of Control
The more out of control one really is, the more the desire to control arises. Being able to control another person or situation can provide a feeling of power, strength, authority, or the sense that one's world will stay stable and secure. However, the more we control, the more of our own energy we have to use to keep this vigil up.
Control and domination can become an addiction. There is a rush that goes with control, the person feels powerful, as though they are strong and on top of the world and often the one being controlled may also feel a rush of safety and security, as though they matter a great deal to someone. Sooner or later all of this has to collapse.
Fear Of Domination
Another strong source of the desire to control others is fear of domination. We do not want to be controlled. Although many long for approval and acceptance, they also fear being dictated to. The way this conflict is handled is by dominating others. They feel that if they are doing the controlling, no one can lasso them in. In fact, they are lassoing themselves, tying themselves to the one they so need to control. Many will do almost anything to feel secure. Much anxiety can be traced to not having a true sense of stability within ourselves. This happens when we do not live from our core. The need to control arises from this. It is vitally necessary to contact our true the true source of security within that which provides stability, no matter what is going on.
Exercise:
Who Are You Controlling?
Make a list of everyone you are controlling - or want to control. Include yourself in this list. Write down the ways in which you control and dominate yourself.
Stop Controlling Them
Take one person on the list and just let them No matter how much you've tried to control them, have you succeeded? Write down what the result has been. How has it made you feel? Whatprice have you paid for this?
Imagine that you simply allow them to be exactly as they are. How does this make you feel now? What happens to your relationship? What happens to your own energy and sense of well-being?
Granting Freedom To Yourself As Well
Now do this exercise with yourself.Allow yourself to be exactly as you are. Stop fighting, pushing, and punishing yourself for ways in which you function. Take the noose off your own neck. How do you feel? What new ways of being may be open to you now? What has your endless desire to control yourself stopped from happening?
Realizing Who Is In Control
Different people will come to different conclusions about this part of the exercise. That's fine. The purpose of the exercise is to grapple with this question. Spend time with it. Dwell upon the question ' who is really in control of your life and the life of others? Let the answer reveal itself. Who is really in control of this world? Think about that. After you've done all you can, who is in control of what happens to you? What good does it do you to fight life? Is there another way to respond?
Both Christopher Green & Brenda Shoshanna are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Christopher Green has sinced written about articles on various topics from Cure Anxiety, Depression Cure and Cure Anxiety. Former anxiety sufferer Chris Green is the author of ?Conquering Stress?, the internationally acclaimed program which will help you to permanently conquer stress, depression and anxiety without taking powerful drugs. For a free mini course, please click. Christopher Green's top article generates over 6600 views. to your Favourites.