1. Listen closely. What's going on? What is your partner's perspective on things (it doesn't have to agree with yours!) Are there parts of this that could deepen your relationship, if only you understood them?
2. Is this an infrequent mood or a melancholic disposition? All people become blue now and then. Express concern and wait for it to pass.
Some people have a life-long blue attitude. You can't fight it, you can only learn to live with it, or encourage your partner to get into therapy.
Research now indicates that we all have our "set points" for how happy we can be. We have a range of happiness we're probably not going to exceed except for brief periods. However, why not learn how to live at the top end of this range? Therapy can help the melancholic individual do this.
3. Empathize. Empathy is a mild experience of what the other is feeling. We do not have to give up our own joy to have a mild experience of our partner's blue day.
Imagine what it would be like to feel that way, to think that way, or to have a similar experience of loss, disappointment, or hurt.
If your first reaction is to try to argue the other out of the feeling then Stop It! It just doesn't work. Your partner's unconscious knows whether you're really understanding and appreciating the dilemma. Until you're "really there" with the other, your words won't really get through.
4. Take care of yourself. When our partners are moody they aren't going to be very available for our emotional needs (or perhaps for our other needs, as well.) This means you need to be able to self-soothe, to tolerate your aloneness, and to not take personally your partner's inner decision to not be available.
Fair? Of course, it doesn't seem fair! But life is what it is and we had best learn to live with it as best we can.
Go for a walk. Call a friend. Meditate. Pray. Ride a bike. Swing on the playground. Read a book. Take a soothing bath.
5. Take stock and assess how your needs are being met. If your partner's moodiness is infrequent then hopefully your needs get met regularly.
If the moods are common and your needs seem to be unmet most of the time then you'll need to confront the issue at some point. Don't be too quick about it. Give yourself time to be sure. Give your partner time to get some therapy, and plan on going along yourself.
But, if nothing changes, hard decisions do eventually show themselves. I hope you never have to get to this point!
6. Celebrate the difficulty of your relationship! Anything worth doing is usually fairly difficult at first. By the time you have this thing working you're going to be a real relationship expert!
No, I'm not talking about the very extreme cases where police are apprehending a criminal, or the military is doing what the military does. I'm talking about a husband and wife, lovers, friends, or people in general trying to live together as best we can.
Violent behavior is the opposite of what we are trying to accomplish in these normal relationships. Violence thrives on fear and intimidation. It bolsters a weak sense of self at the expense of others, often hurting the most vulnerable ones among us.
There are only two feelings in the universe: love and fear. We try to live our relationships out of love by fostering respect, compassion, kindness, forgiveness and understanding of mutual limitations. Violence comes from the fear side of life. It comes out of a fear of loss, a fear of no more options, and the fear of someone "bigger" making me even "smaller."
Which would you rather live out of: your love or your fear?
Silly question.
As humans we are in fear much of the time. We try to mask it, but it's still there. Why else do we struggle and strive to compete and win? Just because it's fun? Or, because we believe there is not enough to go around and we better get our share first?
Isn't it nice to come home from the rat race and feel safe, loved, and valued? Of course, you may not feel this way at home.
Have you or your partner ever thrown something in anger? Put a fist through a wall? Shoved your partner? Threatened harm even though you never raised a finger? Ever filled your eyes with hate and loathing?
Violence is so much more subtle than we realize. So many times I have heard a person (usually a male) tell me, "I didn't touch her. I just punched the wall."
Here's the point: The IMPLICATION of hitting a wall is that YOU COULD do the same thing to the other person's face.
Read that again because it's slippery. Aggressors always try to explain away their implied violence by saying nothing actually happened. But something did actually happen. Someone was intimidated and threatened. And that is violence. And it is often the beginning of the overt violence that comes later.
Violence doesn't work for couples, or anyone else. I rarely meet a couple that didn't get together with some hope for being loved and accepted as they are. This emotional intimacy requires vulnerability and openness. It can't happen where any kind of intimidation exists.
So, give it up. Watch out for it. Don't put up with it. Get help.
I watched a close friend this week come close to a lethal ending. I don't want this for anyone else, least of all you, dear reader. It can happen, and it does. I wish for you to never have to be challenged by such violence, either subtly or overtly. But if you are, I want you to confront it in love and maturity, right now!
Steve Roberts has sinced written about articles on various topics from Marriage, Dating and Romance and Dating and Romance. Steve Roberts, "The Couples Guy," is an experienced Marriage and Family Therapistwho shares tips and from over20 years of practice. Steve Roberts's top article generates over 22200 views. to your Favourites.