Designer frames are a status symbol. They're for others to see you can afford them - but they're not for me. I can't see them when I'm wearing them; and when I'm not wearing them, I can't find them.

Instead, I buy mini magnifiers at the drug store; and I don't think it should cost more than ten dollars to be able to read their price tags. For ten dollars it's no big deal if I break them or lose them and obviously I'm not the only one who feels this way.

The other night a waiter heard me say I couldn't read the menu because I'd forgotten my menu magnifiers. He appeared at the table with a box of left-behinds to choose from. Supposedly 29% of car accidents happen within five miles of home. Now "eye" know why.

I also know why my trustworthy cheaters are never where I left them. They have little legs. The reason you haven't seen these legs is you never have your eyeglasses on when you look at your eyeglasses.

I could solve the problem of escaping eyewear by sneaking up on a pair and putting a neck chain on them - but I'm not ready for that. To me neck chains say granny glasses as much as a pair of wire rims on the end of my nose. I don't think I'm old enough for that even if I'm old enough to know better.

Instead, I tried wearing contacts. Not a good solution either. After two emergency trips to the ophthalmologist, I decided searching the house for my eyeball enhancers was better than having my eyeballs searched for contacts.

Then I tried laser surgery. The good news is the surgery was successful. The bad news is 20/20 vision didn't solve my problem. I'm still losing sunglasses.

Everyone loves sunglasses. Regular glasses are associated with dependency, aging and frequent complaining that the print in phones books is getting smaller. Sunglasses on the other hand - the hand with the SPF/15 tanning lotion - are associated with fun in the sun. If I had a penny - okay, a dollar - for every pair I've lost, I could clearly see myself having fun in the sun - on an exotic island.