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[B641]Beyond Belief Finding The Strength To Come Back

by Cheryl Nordyke, Che

Saint Augustine of Hippo - "Love is the beauty of the soul."

Just three weeks after my husband of 15 years passed away a family friend and psychologist said to me, "Even the Rock of Gibraltar needs to lean on someone." It was his way of inviting me to get counseling and help in replenishing my strength, either from him or another trusted professional. He was warning me that I could not be strong for everyone else without refueling in some way. I wasn't sure what he meant at the time. I was numb and going through the motions of trying to help my children heal, comforting my mother-in-law and my husband's siblings and grandmothers. I was taking on the role I always did, one that came naturally to me, to be the nurturer of those most dear to me. What I didn't realize was how true my friend's words were. I could not remain the rock without the help of others or without taking care of myself.

Honestly I didn't feel like much of a rock at all. I grieved and I did so in a very profound way those first few months. I just kept it more to myself, letting in only my closest friends and my mother at times. I cried myself to sleep each night for weeks and even months, never letting my children know the extent of my grief, even though I was sure to let them see me cry often enough that they knew they could freely do the same. I also relied heavily on family, friends, and neighbors who gave so much sincere support.

I am three months into my grieving process. With the compassionate reminder of a close friend, I make the daily effort to focus on what I had instead of what I feel I am being denied. I am consciously choosing to be grateful for 15 wonderful years and a love many people never get to experience.

I don't know if there is a right or wrong way to grieve. I just know how I am doing it. I worry sometimes that maybe I'm not sad enough and then at other times I think am I hanging on too tightly to the pain. One thing I have discovered is that I do have a choice. When anger creeps in, I can make a conscious choice to replace it with gratitude. When pain seems to squeeze my heart so tightly that I can no longer breathe, I take a deeper breath and remember to find peace in knowing each day I am becoming stronger.

Some of the ways I have found to replenish my strength are: - Allow friends and family to help. We bless others by letting them know they are making a difference in our lives and by allowing them to be of service. - Get some alone time. This is difficult when children depend on me for day to day care and there are many other responsibilities. Being busy may be a good diversion, but even if it means taking an extra long shower, alone time allows you to regroup. - Talk about your loved one. I find, for example, that when we are watching a TV show and we comment to each other how much Dad liked this show, it helps us focus on the happy memories and keeps him close in our hearts. He will always be my boys' father and the more we remember happy times, the more we feel he is close in our hearts. - Talk to a professional. At first I felt like we were doing just fine on our own, but then came to realize the benefit of talking to someone who sees many different people who handle grief in many different ways. The insight helps us to feel we are "normal" and that we are not alone.

Probably the most comforting support I have received in these first three months is that my friends and family have been supportive in letting me take time to be sad, but then reminding me of all there is to still be happy about. If I can do that with fewer external reminders as each day passes then I know I am healing.

Although this is a difficult thing to do, It's incredibly important for you to surround yourself with people and situations that support you in healing and moving forward.

People who want you to be exactly who you were before your loss, aren't clear on the concept. It's likely they haven't been through a difficult loss...or if they have, they didn't deal with their loss very consciously. Being around you may trigger their own feelings of loss and pain that they don't know how to handle.

Your job isn't to talk them into healing...your job is to take care of yourself and your own needs. When you feel stronger you'll be able to decide when it's time to interact with them again.

It's never easy to put distance between you and your loved ones during a time of loss...in a way it adds insult to the injury of your original loss. During this time when you are feeling especially vulnerable, you naturally want to turn to those you love and are familiar with...you want to be able to depend on them. You want to be able to feel their love and support. When they aren't able to support you it feels like another layer of abandonment....yet another loss.

I have seen this pattern time and time again. I first noticed this pattern in my own life when friends didn't know how to be with me as I was grieving for my father's death and dealing with my own physical burnout.

The Key Is Learning How to Take Care of Yourself

What I discovered is that it was crucial for me to learn how to nurture and support myself. At times I was very, very lonely. There were many long nights when I wondered if I'd ever make it through. Gradually I learned how to take care of and nurture myself. As my healing continued I noticed how much stronger I felt. I was more confident, clear, and content. By the time I was ready to leave my hibernation and join others in activities, I no longer feared being alone. I knew, without a doubt, that I could depend on myself during difficult times.

When you find that you can't rely on friends and family members to support you in your healing journey, know that you are being asked to learn how to take care of yourself. Rather than focus on what's happening outside of yourself, turn your attention inward. Be attentive and compassionate about your own needs.

Find a Support Group

I'm not suggesting that you must live all alone...what I am saying is that your current social network may not be the best source of support at this time. Instead of turning to those who don't understand you or what you are experiencing, reach out to others who are experiencing similar circumstances.

Where should you start? Look around your community for support groups that would be a good fit for you. If you can't find anything local, search on the internet. See if you can find a Yahoo Group for people in your situation. If neither of these options pans out, create your own support group.

As hard as it may be to believe, you aren't the only one who is having a difficult time with your loss. By joining a group, you'll discover how reassuring it can be to hear how others are handling loss, how they are finding creative ways to move forward, and how refreshing it is to help others find their way through the maze of loss.

If you join a group and you aren't getting anything out of it, keep searching. Don't just give up on getting support from a group of people who are going through a similar loss. What's missing? Would you do better in a group that meets in person? Would you be more comfortable with the anonymity of an online group? Only you can do the detective work to discover the kind of group that will be best for you!

As you navigate this difficult time of loss, turn to yourself for the strength you need to find your own way out of hibernation and back into Spring!

Copyright (c) 2006 Transition Dynamics Enterprises, Inc.

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Both Cheryl Nordyke & Carol Mcclelland are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.

Cheryl Nordyke has sinced written about articles on various topics from Fitness, self improvement and motivation and Mens Health. Waves of Gratitude was created by Cheryl Nordyke, Kim Wierman and Carrin Torres. Its jewelry and apparel are meant to give as gifts to inspire or to serve as daily reminders of gratitude, hope, love, friendship and more. Share your own inspirational stori. Cheryl Nordyke's top article generates over 49500 views. to your Favourites.

Carol Mcclelland has sinced written about articles on various topics from self improvement and motivation, Career Change and The Internet. Carol McClelland, PhD, author of The Seasons of Change and Your Dream Career For Dummies, is a transition expert. She's helped thousands of people get back on their feet after their lives have been turned upside down by natural disasters and personal loss. Carol Mcclelland's top article generates over 22200 views. to your Favourites.