In the field of politics - where you have to be careful where you step - politicians' noses would get longer when they lied and we'd vote for the best person for political office - not the least offensive.
Which reminds me, shopping cart wheels wouldn't get stuck in one direction and neither would voters. Eighteen-year-olds, who both vote and fight to protect our right to vote, would be old enough to drink alcoholic beverages. After all, voting and military service are sobering experiences.
Because driving should be a sober experience, the initials DUI would be on the license plates of convicted drunken drivers. While on the subject of drivers, those over a certain age wouldn't be allowed to drive - no, drivers under a certain height wouldn't be allowed to drive. You'd have to be able to see over the steering wheel to drive.
And when you saw parking spaces, they would all be the same size. No more trying to fit a family-size car into an I-have-my-life-under-control, compact space.
No more illegible handwriting by doctors. No more "Do Not Remove" tags on mattresses. No more taxation to the point of it being taxing.
The reply "No problem" would be removed from the English language because there was a problem. And the problem of saying "goes" instead of "says" would be made to go away before our language goes to Hell.
Scotch tape and plastic wrap wouldn't stick to themselves and people would stick to what they said. If they said they wanted to stop smoking, I'd make it easier. Smoking would be fattening. This would drastically reduce teen smoking too.
While on the subject of teens, pants that hung below the hips would have to be worn with suspenders; and hats could only be worn backwards if the head was also on backwards. Forward thinking would be my platform.
Diamonds in engagement rings would get bigger as the marriage lasted longer. Cell phones would no longer work in restaurants. The postal system would work because Santa Claus would deliver the mail. And last but not least, the three-day weekend would improve the reputation of Mondays - or at least make them lighter blue.
If I ran the world, I'd outlaw rap music because - it isn't music. It's negative, violent, police bashing, women debasing, trash talk. It's the kind of talk that would have gotten my sons sent to their rooms for an extended period of time. This, of course, would have been followed by complaints that such treatment was unfair - but maybe that's where rap comes from - from boys thinking they got a bad rap.
When I see a car with an array of dents and scratches, I think bad driver - but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the drivers of those demolition-derby-dropouts are just unlucky victims of others' motoring mistakes. If I ran the world, drivers would get a notch in their license plates for every accident they caused. The more notches in a license plate, the more we'd know to avoid that car - thus reducing the number of "cartastrophes".
In 1956 the Department of Agriculture introduced the four, basic, food groups - meat, dairy, grain, and fruits and vegetables. In 1992 the groups were revised and presented in the shape of a pyramid, with fats, oils and sweets at the top. The pyramid itself was revised in 2005. Fats, oils and sweets were removed and dairy was changed to milk - but it's still not right. There should be four, basic food groups; and they should be canned, frozen, prepared and take-out.
Then there's politics. Everyone knows politicians bend the truth in their speeches. They tell people what they want to hear and what will get them votes. I would subject politicians to the Pinocchio Test, which would make their noses longer when they lied. This would make it much easier for voters to choose candidates and I don't see why the candidates would be opposed to this. Don't they all have a nose for news?
To avoid noses that were so long that politicians would trip over them, I would require politicians to put both hands on the Bible when they were being sworn into office. That way we could see if their fingers were crossed.
Of course, if I ran the world, I'd change the way politicians are elected. I'd eliminate the Electoral College and super delegates. I'd eliminate the possibility of candidates winning because they had the most delegates - as apposed to having the most popular votes. One person, one vote - isn't that the way we vote for American Idols?
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