The divorce rate for the second marriage is higher than the first, and the number one cause is the children. Would you like some important insights and solutions that will help you be a successful blended family? The following case studies and guidelines can help you to prevent and heal problems with your family.
"I am a package deal," Hannah told her boyfriend. The working mother had two daughters, when she married her second husband, Randy, who had never been married. Beth was 15 years old and Sondra was 12. Hannah wisely told Randy that in order to be successful it would be helpful for him to be their friends, be patient, and not to try to parent them. She also advised him to avoid commenting on her parenting words and actions with the girls until they were alone. Finally, Hannah emphasized, "Please do not take their rejection personally. They would react the same way with anyone." Randy was grateful for the guidance and acted accordingly.
Typical of teen-agers, at first Beth wanted nothing to do with Randy. Sondra was more open but guarded. However, when the girls asked their mother to help them with their homework, she referred them to Randy who was glad to be of assistance. He was also happy to help out by driving Beth and Sondra places and being there when they needed him. Randy loved to have fun and played with the girls. Needless to say, they all bonded nicely. They were a successful blended family.
Another important ingredient was that Randy and Hannah kept their relationship healthy and alive by spending quality time together and getting away regularly, even if it was for one night. They communicated and solved their problems with win-win solutions. This is crucial because the children often reflect the pain of the couple.
The situation of blended families can become more complicated when both adults have children. It is very important not to favor any child over another, no matter what the circumstances. If we treat everyone like we want to be treated, with love, respect, and appreciation, we will always succeed.
In cases where there are children on both sides, it is important to honor how the children feel about each other. For example, Lucy's son, Jack, was 9 years old, and her second husband's son, Sam, was 11. Lucy noticed that her son was unhappy when Sam came to the house for his weekend visits. When she questioned Jack, she found out that Sam was being verbally and physically abusive to him. I encouraged Lucy to teach Jack how to protect himself, as that is an important tool for life. I also advised her to talk to her husband, Sidney. It was important to protect Jack from Sam's destructive behavior, which probably was a result of his anger at his Mom and Dad for divorcing and jealousy that Jack lived with his Dad.
At the next counseling session Lucy came with Sidney, and I helped him realize that he felt guilty for leaving his wife and son (a common feeling) and hesitated to discipline Sam with logical consequences. (I never recommend verbal or physical punishment.) I pointed out how this was a problem for everyone. It was important for his son to learn how to constructively deal with his feelings. This was imperative for him to succeed in his life. I also suggested that Sam take his son out for the day and spend fun time with him. Until Jack felt safe with Sam, the boys were not to be left alone. Everyone deserves to feel safe, especially in his or her home.
The most potentially difficult situation can arise when the children of both parents all live together. This takes awareness of what is going on, and for the natural parents to take full responsibility for their own children's problems. Making excuses for them or being in denial can lead to disaster. There are many books, organizations, and professionals that can assist the family. It takes time, love, constructive communication, and win-win problem solving. Regular family meetings are helpful to all. Each person is honored and has the opportunity to speak, and everyone is involved in the decision making as much as possible.
If there are too many problems with the children, it might be wise for each family to live close by and not mingle the children until they adjust to the new situation. It is inappropriate to expect either the stepmother or stepfather to try to fix each other's problems with their children. It is also not appropriate to expect them to put up with, or be a target of their abuse.
Finally, it is crucial for the couple to have a healthy, loving relationship with each other and themselves, which includes high self-esteem, balancing their lives, and good communication and problem solving skills. The couple is the foundation and model for all families. You can be a successful blended family!
These rules are: 1) Only immediate heirs or beneficiaries should be involved in the division process. 2) Commit to a common goal to achieve a peaceful and fair settlement. 3) Agree not to remove anything from a home prior to the official division process. (All three of these rules are discussed more completely in a separate article: 'The Three Main Causes of Conflict in an Estate Settlement, and What To Do About Them.')
There are many possible variations of blended families, so any answer given about how to make a fair distribution must be generalized. For the sake of simplicity, I will present a scenario that best describes the most common situation for a blended family: when there is a marriage with two sets of grown children (teenagers or older).
Before having an appraisal done of all items (discussed below), both groups of heirs should go through the property and list items they remember to have been in their home prior to the second marriage. (In the case of small children, this becomes less practical and might require assistance.) This should create two specific groups of possessions to be divided separately by the two groups of heirs. If there is disagreement about any item, it should go into the general pool of items for division later in the process.
Also, each individual heir should write down 5 to 10 items for which they have a strong attachment or a special interest in having, along with a brief statement about why. Once all lists are made, the executor or appointed mediator should compare the lists for duplications. If a duplication occurs, that item also goes into the general pool of items for division later. The items not duplicated can be awarded to the individuals who made special requests. (NOTE: Remember, special interest lists are limited to ten items each.)
Before the division process begins, I highly recommend that a professional and reputable appraiser be hired to determine the monetary value of all items. Often this is not thought to be necessary, but I have found that the small amount of expense involved is well worth it. One important tip about this however, is to negotiate a flat fee rather than a commissionable basis of payment. Remember, the desired result is to create a fair division among heirs.
Once all of the specifically named items are divided, all other items in the property are then to be divided equally among all heirs. Whether by drawing from a deck of cards or rolling dice, heirs can take turns making their selections from that point forward. By having a commitment to fairness, this can be done successfully, even in a blended family.
Every married person with children should consider the possibility that one day something might happen to them, and that eventually the surviving spouse might remarry. In contemplating that situation, they should then consider what property (furniture, jewelry, china, special keepsakes, etc.) they want to be sure ends up belonging to their children, not sold or given to step-children whom they do not know.
Here's how to do this easily:
Simply make a list of all items that you want to be divided among your children. Don't make this process harder than necessary. You do not need to indicate exactly what items go to which child, the list should simply indicate all items that you want to be divided among the children or heirs specifically named in your will.
Next, have a statement of your intent, including the list, attached to your will as a part of your estate plan. In order to be sure that amendments conform to the laws of your state, it is recommended that you have this done by a professional. It's a simple exercise, but one that can prevent problems later.
Above all, I believe that the greatest legacy we should leave to our children is to teach them the meaning of the 'Golden Rule', do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Anything that lends itself to lessening conflict during the estate settlement process should likewise assist in teaching them this ultimate truth.
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Mike Mccoy has sinced written about articles on various topics from Cars, Seat Cover and Web Development. Families can keep peace and avoid conflict when going through this process. The main benefit is to preserve and protect family relationships. It provides a system of organization for the orderly transfer of property from one generation to the next.. Mike Mccoy's top article generates over 27100 views. to your Favourites.