Are you attracted to romantic partners who come with big problems? Have you ever lived with an abusive intimate partner? Do your friends sometimes make you feel bad about yourself? Have you endured humiliation as a child or adult?

If you answered “yes" to any of these questions, you may be attracting the wrong people because you victimize yourself. We’re all guilty of doing this but some of us get stuck in that rut because it is easier to be a victim than to take responsibility for our actions.

I know because I lived that life for more than 30 years. I was a fat kid with an under-active thyroid condition and a miserable childhood. My parents didn’t know how to love each other, so I lost sight of what love really meant. When I was old enough to make my own decisions, I was stupid about my choices; I spent more than a decade in an abusive marriage even marrying the same monster twice! And it became much easier to blame everyone else than to take responsibility for my own decisions.

Then one near-fatal night I realized that nothing would ever change until I took control of my destiny. That moment forced me to emphasize what I had done to myself and stop focusing on what other people had done to me.

If you are attracting losers and abusers you may need to undergo the same soul searching I did. In addition, the lessons I learned may be of great comfort to you:

Stop hanging on to the past. Face whatever it is that has taken your self-esteem away and understand that dragging the past along with you limits your present and future. Admit to yourself that you are living in the past, face the issues that haunt you and let go of them.

Don’t stay with anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself, especially those who tell you that you are a failure or are unattractive, or who abuse you under any circumstances. Instead, fill your life with people who make you happy and feel good about yourself.

Don’t let others influence your decisions. Gather all the information you can find, take your time and make the decision you think will be best for you and your loved ones. Don’t make a decision because you want to run away from the consequences of your choices or because you are unhappy at the moment. Once you have decided, take responsibility for your choices. Whether they turn out good or bad, know that everyone makes mistakes. What matters most is how we correct and recover from them.

Realize that blaming anyone but ourselves is a way to avoid taking responsibility for our lives. The blame game destroys our chances at a real life because anyone refusing to take responsibility ends up pushing away the nice guys.

No matter what has happened, it does not define us; we define who we are in the present. Attitude is a choice and something we can choose to change. Stop looking at a half-empty glass when it's actually half-full!

Start believing in yourself. When you do you will discover that you can change your destiny and start living the life you have always wanted surrounded by supportive people who make you feel like the winner you are.

Carol McKibben’s new book, Riding Through It, details how the author transformed herself by breaking the shackles of her past and moving forward in the present without fear.