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[C865]Communication In A Marriage

by Kausik Dutta, Kau

Read on for some simple communication techniques for common communication issues.

Honesty

Speaking honestly and openly with your spouse may be the most important factor to effective communication. The lack of which may be one of the most basic causes behind conflicts. Before you start to blame your spouse for not being open and honest, take a look at your communication habits. Do you ever:

-Tell your spouse what you think they want to hear just to end the argument?

-Avoid bringing up an issue that’s important to you because it makes your spouse uncomfortable?

-Not ask for what you want directly, instead hoping that they will “figure it out?”

These are just a few of the common communication pitfalls that prevent honest and productive discussions from happening. By avoiding the real issues, for whatever the reason, you are not being honest with your spouse and you are cheating yourself from resolving the problem. Not only will this cause more problems in the future, but you will both feel unsatisfied and you can be sure the argument will surface again. Honest communication means discussing an issue with maturity and respect.

Listening

There is a difference between waiting for your spouse to make a point before you contradict it and actually trying to understand what they are saying. You can’t expect your spouse to take the time to listen to you if you don’t do the same for them. Encourage your spouse to open up to you – and understand that you may have to make the first move. Offering to let your spouse talk first while you listen may help them understand your commitment to a productive conversation. Give feedback as they talk and try to summarize what they have said to make sure you really understand where they are coming from. Your patience and understanding will pay off as they show you the same respect when it’s your turn to open up.

Practice

Once you’ve found what communication tactics work – use them. It may take a while to find out what methods work best, but I bet you already know what doesn’t work. Start with identifying those tactics that don’t get you anywhere; whether it’s be yelling, ignoring, or avoiding the issue. Talk with your spouse and make a resolution to identify and stop the unhealthy and unproductive communication tactics that are restricting you from effective, productive communication. And don’t be afraid to try new communication tactics. Marriage takes a lot of work and practice makes perfect.

Instead of just talking we need other tools; we need connection, and we need that especially before any attempt at communication. Connection is the key, and Tantra is the art of connection.

When men feel connected they want to talk more and are more open to hearing what their lovers are saying without feeling criticized. When women feel connected they want to talk less because they are not tying to forge the bond they felt was missing.

Seems like connecting causes there to be more of the balance that the different genders need.

Connecting non-verbally will save most of the relationships in doom today. With 40 million couples living sexless marriages and a 61 percent divorce rate we need something other than talking about it, to fix what is going on.

When women talk to each other or the kids about working together or making things better they don't feel the same vulnerabilities to the extent that men do. Those vulnerabilities are namely fear and shame, and those feelings can cripple a man.

What couples need to do is to become aware of how each other reacts to a perceived stressful situation. If you understand that your man can not hear you when you are getting passionately engaged in conversation, don't get mad, get connected. Think about connecting on a non verbal way before starting to try and fix anything verbally.

What generally happens is one or the other will wait until they are scared, hurt, angry or sad before trying to reconnect verbally in the relationship and that doesn't work at all.

In my teaching of Tantra I help couples connect non-verbally with several effective tools to keep this cycle of fear based communication from happening and spinning out of control.

The most powerful one of these connection tools is called a spooning agreement.

As a couple, you can make an agreement that when you are starting down the road to conflict in conversation, one or the other can call spooning, with a hand gesture or a by saying spooning. The other needs to comply with this request.

Spooning is when the couple lays down with one in the front and the other behind, both facing the same way. Usually the one that calls spooning is behind. Once in this position you commence to breathe together. This is done for 5 minutes.

Breathing together creates harmony and breathing helps to combat the effects of cortisol. Generally in 5 minutes both partners have had time to get their bio-chemistry backed off a bit and even more in sync. Once that happens it's hard for the couple to imagine why they might have been angry in the first place.

Keeping to your spooning agreement is a very tough thing to do when you are angry but remember this is about the commitment to the relationship, not about being right. Once you have spooned you will feel better connected and men will be able to listen more and women will be more empathetic to the man's feelings of anxiety and shame.

We need to understand that the majority of men desire to please their partners and make them happy, and the majority of women want their men to feel appreciated and loved.

When women feel connected they talk from their hearts instead of their hurts. When men feel connected they listen from their hearts instead of their shame. And when that can happen, healing and love can flourish.

Article Source : Pg. 8

About Author

Both Kausik Dutta & Tanja Diamond are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.

Kausik Dutta has sinced written about articles on various topics from Satellite, Home Improvement and Alcohol Treatment. For more information on effective communication and conflict resolution, visit . Kausik Dutta's top article generates over 60500 views. to your Favourites.

Tanja Diamond has sinced written about articles on various topics from self improvement and motivation, Marketing and Communications and self improvement and motivation. Tanja Diamond,Sexual Intimacy Expert.Sign up for a free ebook called Secrets from the Tantra Teacher and a bonus mp3 on relationships.