My divorce was a pretty easy process. I never thought about the effects of divorce back then, neither for me or for our daughter. My ex-hubby and I never really fought, we just decided that we were making each other unhappy instead of happy, and that it would be better for both of us to move on. What I never could have imagined, is that the mere fact of our marriage going down the drain, would still have a big emotional impact on my daughter and me for the years to come. I started to discover only recently, that some of my feelings where I feel guilty and disappointed, stem from that time, when we decided to split up.
Something I realized the other day, is that I do have a deep rooted feeling of guilt since the day I divorced. I often don't even know that I am feeling guilty, but since I started recognizing the feeling in my body, I am much more aware of it. I sense a strange feeling in my stomach in certain situations, and I now recognize it as 'guilt'.
If somebody would have told me that I was over reacting out of guilt, I would have laughed at them. Me, feeling guilty? I am OK, just as I am, I am doing my meditation exercises to be at peace with myself and the world, no, guilt is an emotion which I hardly know.
I feel it when I put my daughter on the school bus, I feel it when I hear her talk to her Dad on the phone, I feel it when I see the dishes piled up in the sink.
What is it that makes me feel guilty so often? Me, who thought that guilt was not something which belonged to my emotional repertoire... Am I feeling disappointed about myself?
Somehow I have a different expectation than what I actually am, feel, do, think. I feel disappointed when I see the reality of me: When I forget to phone my friend on her birthday, even though I know it is important to her, When I promise that I will help the neighbor with her spring clean, although i know that I'm probably not going to make it, When I talk on the phone about my brother to my Dad, and I know that he is going to tell Mom, who tells my sister-in-law, who tells my brother...
'All disappointment comes from expectations'. (Buddha)
Guilt and disappointment are somehow related. I feel that if I am not having high expectations as to my own behavior under certain circumstances, I am also less prone to be disappointed when I don't behave up to my own standards. The resulting feelings of guilt then also do not appear. Sometimes it are other people having high expectations, and even more often, we THINK that they have certain expectations (which we will never meet), and in reality they do not even think like that....
The way to get out of this Catch 22 is simple but not so easy. Especially when these hidden effects of divorce hit us, some of these believes can be very deeply rooted in our heart and head. The first step is to localize the feeling as it manifests itself in our body. As soon as we know which body sensation is pointing to the emotion of guilt and disappointment, we have to start being aware of it. After some practice, we start to realize what is happening every time we feel the sensation.
The second step is a cognitive one: We have to tell ourselves that nobody is perfect. We are probably far from perfect, but that is life. The people who love us, will have to love us as we are, and we will only get frustrated if we try to keep up the image of a perfect human being. Whenever we make a mistake, the first thing we have to do is FORGIVE OURSELVES. That is difficult, I know, but it is fundamental. If I would have known everything I know now, I would have taken many different decisions. But the fact is, that I did NOT know! I was oftentimes stumbling in the dark, and it would not be fair unto myself to judge the decisions I made back then on the knowledge I have now!
Step three... If you forgive yourself, you will also be much more lenient towards others. Your relationship with the world around you will look so much easier and better the moment you start doing this.
To wrap it up: If I am a forgiving person, my life is much less stressful. I am more effective in what I do, I am better in maintaining relationships, and I make less mistakes. Therefore I have no reason to be disappointed, and I don't feel guilty.
When you get divorced, the last thing on your mind are the effects of divorce on the long term. You just want to get out as soon as possible, maybe you have another partner already, maybe you're just sick of it and have had enough. Even although my divorce was a pretty easy one, I only recently started to see what the long term effects of divorce are; not only on children, but also on adults. In this article I will focus on the effects of divorce on our own emotions, feelings, thoughts and effectiveness to create a happy and stable family life.
Something I realized the other day, is that I do have a deep rooted feeling of guilt since the day I divorced. I often don't even know that I am feeling guilty, but since I started recognizing the feeling in my body, I am much more aware of it. I sense a strange feeling in my stomach in certain situations, and I now recognize it as 'guilt'.
If somebody would have told me that I was over reacting out of guilt, I would have laughed at them. Me, feeling guilty? I am OK, just as I am, I am doing my meditation exercises to be at peace with myself and the world, no, guilt is an emotion which I hardly know.
I feel it when I put my daughter on the school bus, I feel it when I hear her talk to her Dad on the phone, I feel it when I see the dishes piled up in the sink.
Even when it is not my fault, if there is nothing to blame me, I still have this pebble in my stomach which points to the feeling of guilt. What happened? It looks like I am disappointed in myself...
If you know the feeling of guilt, you probably also know the feeling of disappointment as well. In your and my case, I think that those two feelings are very much inter-related. I know that I am prone to feel guilty, when I have the feeling that I should do or be better at that moment. When I use some examples of this last week, I feel that I should not have made that mistake I made in that moment, now more than a year ago. I should have known better, I should have been wiser, I should have been less egoistic and more concerned with the others involved. When I talk to my Dad, I feel that I should be around more, maybe even move to the little town they live in, so that I can help out more often, buy the groceries, cook for them when Mom has a bad day... When I talk to my brother, and he tells about his little one having trouble at school, I feel that I should not have taken my daughter with me when I moved, so that the children could play more often, and maybe even go to the same school, so they can support each other.
The Buddha says: 'All disappointment is rooted in expectations'.
Comparing yourself to others is probably the biggest mistake you can make if you want to be happy. My husband used to compare his parenting skills to the parentings skills of his ex-wife, and needless to say, he would fail badly. As soon as he started to see that fathering skills are completely different to mothering skills, he became more at ease with his own parenting style, and the relationship with his children started to improve dramatically. Even the relationship with his ex-wife improved, as she started to sense that it would not help her to judge him according to her standards.
Every emotion lives somewhere in our body. We often do not link the emotion with the pain or discomfort we feel. As soon as we are aware of the link, however, it becomes easier and easier to see the relationship between the body sensation and the emotion. because we tend to try to forget everything which has to do with the effects of divorce, many of these emotions are kind of hidden, and our body sensations help us to uncover them again.
The second step... You are not perfect. Nobody is perfect. And even more, you have no obligation to be perfect. You should not even try to be perfect! You are OK, just as you are. Your past is your past, you took decisions which you would not take today, but then, you did not know then what you know today. Forgive your mistakes, and tell yourself that at least you learned from them.
The third step then is easy: When I forgive myself, it is so much easier to forgive others. When I stop judging myself, I also stop judging others. My relationship with the world, my family, my children, my partner and most importantly, with myself will improve tremendously by doing this.
The concluding step four: So I forgive myself and others, which means I have better relationships, and much less stress. This means I do not make the mistakes I made before due to stress, and I have less reason to feel guilty and disappointed.
Charlotte Kamman has sinced written about articles on various topics from After Divorce, Vitamins and Health. Charlotte Kamman helps blended families to be great as a cosy and warm base for children and stepchildren. The are often unavoidable, and yet many peo. Charlotte Kamman's top article generates over 1300 views. to your Favourites.