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[T613]The Myth Of Monogamy

by E B Smith, E B

Suffice to say we all want many things in life and any spouse we choose can offer only some of them. If we can't be content with what we have vowed to keep, then we should at least realize that simply trading that person in for a poacher idling somewhere in the wings is not likely to be the answer to all our dreams.

True, poachers are adventuresome, sexually attractive, and extremely self confident - but they also prefer the short-term challenge of hit-and-run which explains their preference for the married target. They have already justified their behavior to themselves, yet understandably are mistrustful of another's loyalty.

Online dating has opened cavernous doors to the poacher; male and female. While not all profiles or first response emails contain out-and-out lies, like resumes -- all of them stretch the truth. To the recipient fantasies run at a fever pitch because imaging is based on mere words. Body language and tonal implications are all in the mind of the reader, and they're seeing sexual hunger.

In an interview with a male poacher who scores high on his ?married targets?, he told me that the intensity of this sexual dare is ?better than eating cold olives at 3am? - (whatever that should chance to mean).

On the other hand, the female poacher often comes from a broken home where the cause of her parent's arguments and ultimate breakup result in self-guilt. In maturity, she needs to prove she is desirable enough to tempt a husband away from his family. As the seducer she can somehow feel vindicated. While this is not the only reason for female cheaters, it is a common one.

They do it to feel beautiful and wanted again. They do it for love. They do it for sex or because they are lonely. Some do it to escape the monotony of marriage and kids. And sadly, some do it for revenge! There is no trauma quite like walking in on the cheating husband; particularly in your own bedroom. Smart wives don't run for a gun or knife, they get even.

With both partners in career jobs today, there seems to be no time or energy for a quality home life. Sex on the run is becoming the answer - even with all the health risks. Thanks to the internet and chat rooms, heels and honeys are having it easy; naughty notes are easier to hide from a spouse than long lunches. Then of course, there is the old anthem, ?it's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to ask permission?.

If you have ever cheated on a spouse and when found out, claimed ?It didn't mean anything...? you already know it won't wash. In reality you're saying that you were ready to dump your marriage over someone that wasn't worth it. You wouldn't buy that so why should s(he)?

And if you want to hear about the ultimate ?niche market?-- how about the Alibi Agency which, for a fee will give you cover-up phone calls to conceal your cheating activities. This Agency "will provide credible cover stories for almost every adulterous moment for a fee of $25 to $75, depending on the tailor-made fib."

Just about anything can be an opportunity to make a buck today.

2006 Esther Smith

Part of the difficulty with marriage is that the only training we get is "on the job." Rarely do you say to someone, "I want you to go work with those tools in there. Have fun, get the job done, and don't kill yourself." But, essentially, that is the start of a marriage. We have some rudimentary skills from relating to others, but the real knowledge and skills are hard-earned.

And the problem is, sometimes we learn lessons that are incorrect, or at least only partially true. These become the myths of our marriages. They are the stories we tell to ourselves in attempts to understand. Unfortunately, they are only partially right, at best. Often, they are totally wrong. Once we learn the stories, we refuse to give them up.

I've chosen 5 of the most common myths of marriage. You can decide if you tell yourself these stories, and if so, what you might be missing. Because, you see, the stories we tell ourselves determine how we act and what we assume. And that, ultimately, can either teach you to use the tools or allow you to injure yourself.

MYTH: "Marriage shouldn't be this hard."
Lie this leads to: "If it is, maybe we shouldn't be married."

This is a powerful story about marriage. People assume that good marriages are easy, and there is no struggle. There is the romantic belief that good relationships "just work." Science has yet to discover a perpetual energy machine, and I doubt relationships are any different.

This summer, I was at a beach that hosts the annual sea turtle nesting. The large mother sea turtle lumbers up the beach, just above the high-tide mark, right at the base of the sand dunes, digs a hole some 18 inches into the ground, and lays a large group of eggs. Those eggs are left to develop and hatch, usually a couple of months later.

Now, here's the interesting thing: those tiny turtles (maybe 3 inches long) have to make the long trek from the nest to the sea. The long trek for the mother turtle is very long for the baby turtle. Some people have felt bad for the turtles in the past, and decided to help them to the surf.

By being picked up and carried to the surf, the "helpers" insured the death of the baby turtles. You see, that long trek to the sea builds the muscles in the flippers of the baby turtle. Those muscles are all that ensure the survival of the babies.

Some struggle (not too much) is necessary for developing the muscles of survival. It is true with relationships, and certainly true with marriage. When we struggle together, we develop the skills necessary to take on other struggles.

The real task is not to have a marriage that is easy. The real task is to learn how to allow the struggle to move you together, not push you apart.
The statistics are pretty clear. Almost half of all marriages end in divorce. However, the hidden statistic is that 100% of marriages have difficulties. Staying married is not from a lack of difficulties, it is from using the difficulties to learn and develop.

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Both E B Smith & Lee H. Baucom, Ph.d. are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.

E B Smith has sinced written about articles on various topics from Family, Treadmill Exercises and Alternative Medicine. About the author: Smith publishes a syndicated weekly Newsletter and has several websites. She is an advocate of Affiliate Tutoring: http://affiliate.cashoftheday.com/classroom.htm and offers professional Profiles to online daters who are not getting. E B Smith's top article generates over 14800 views. to your Favourites.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.d. has sinced written about articles on various topics from Marriage. Dr. Lee Baucom is a renowned expert in saving marriages. His ebook, Save The Marriage, has sold over 45,000 copies. You can read more at http://www.savethemarriage.comFor podcasts, visit Dr. Baucom's site, http://www.marriagemoment.com. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.d.'s top article generates over 1000 views. to your Favourites.