Sometimes it's good to talk and sometimes it isn't. People I help with relationship problems often ask, "Should we talk about it"? They are referring to a specific grievance or difference of opinion, which exists between them, and their partner. They are generally surprised when I answer, "no, not at this time"
Couples who disagree over specific issues or situations often feel that they have only two choices. These are either to argue about this subject or remain silent on it. If you and your partner are at loggerheads about a specific issue and your attempts to discuss it always end in argument stop discussing.
First you need to improve the quality of your relationship then discuss difficult issues. How do you do this? By using a technique called "acting as if". You act as if you were sharing your ideal relationship with your ideal partner. You may feel resistance to doing this for two reasons. It may seem to you insincere or corny. Or if you are feeling irritated with your partner you may be saying "why should I make the effort to act as if everything is great". The truth is that one of you has to take action to get you both out of your current undesirable situation. As you are the one reading these words then it's most likely to be you.
Experiments conducted by psychologists on this subject have proved that when "acting as if" took place in relationships almost all those relationships improved, so it has to be worth the effort. What's more most people find it enjoyable. One word of warning though you cannot tell your partner that you are "acting as if". Doing this would mean that you simply wasted your effort. If "acting as if" feels to you insincere or corny just remember this, your relationship must have been great at one time otherwise you wouldn't be in it. All you are doing by "acting as if" is going back to a good and positive time in your relationship.
When harmony has been restored between you can begin to calmly discuss the subject, which has led to disagreement. It often surprises couples to realise that once there is harmony in their relationship they are able to calmly discuss issues that they previously argued about.
It is important for couples to spend time talking with and listening to each other. This makes it less likely that grievances will build up and cause problems. Here is a way of discussing grievances whilst avoiding argument. Both partners sit on the floor back to back. They agree who will speak first. The first speaker has two minutes to explain how s/he feels about the situation under discussion. You will begin all sentances with "I feel". At the end of two minutes the second speaker will speak. S/he also has two minutes to speak and must begin all sentences with " I feel". The second speaker must not comment on anything, which the first speaker has said.
Once both people have spoken for two minutes it is important that they do not discuss the subject further. At this point they will do something completely different such as go for a walk, watch a film or do the washing up.
If a specific grievance is causing a problem in your relationship I would suggest at least initially living in harmony without discussing it for a while. "Acting as if" can help you do this. It may cease to be a problem. If not you and your partner can use the method described above as a way of dealing with it.
"I care about you, and I am committed to communicating with you in constructive ways. I realize that I am responsible for all my thoughts and feelings. I am willing to be present and to listen to you. My focus is on accepting both of our viewpoints, and creating win-win situations and solutions. It is such a joy to communicate with you, and to maintain the bridge between us so that we can be close. I like feeling close to you."
Now that you are clear about your goal, here are some guidelines that can help you keep your communication agreement.
1. Take the time to communicate with yourself; tune into your own thoughts and feelings to be clearly aware of what you want to share with others.
2. Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings by beginning your sentences with "I."
3. Ask for what you want instead of telling people what you do not want. For example, "I would like you to calmly tell me what you want," is better than, "Don't yell at me!"
4. Understand that communication is sharing opinions and feelings. Avoid debating which is trying to prove right or wrong.
5. Make a statement first so people know what you are thinking. Then ask them for their opinion. For example, "I would like to go to the movie. Would you like to go?"
6. Avoid mind reading. If you are unclear about any communication, ask for specifics. For example, "How do you mean that? What do you mean?"
7. Watch for non-verbal messages-gestures, posture, tone of voice, etc., to fully understand what the person is saying.
8. Rather than giving advice, point out the different choices you see, and allow the other person to make their own decisions.
9. Really listen to what they are trying to tell you. (Avoid thinking about what you want to say next.) Then let them know that you have heard them by repeating what they have said in your own words.
10. To let the other person know that you are listening, use eye contact, or say, "Uh huh," or "I hear you."
11. If a person is not communicating with you, be aware if you are doing one or more of the following: not listening, judging, talking too much, interrupting, not being interested in the other person's communication, being impatient, criticizing, being sarcastic, overreacting, psychoanalyzing, labeling, or cursing.
12. In order to be heard, avoid starting your sentences with the following words because they often feel like attacks and provoke arguments.
"I know you. . ." (You only know about yourself.)
"I like you, but. . ." (The "but" discounts the first part of the sentence.)
"You feel. . ." (People do not like to be told how they are feeling.)
"Why are you feeling . . .?" (You are asking them to rationally justify their feelings. Emotions are real and valid even if they are irrational.)
"You always or never. . ." (These words are too absolute, and the listener will be focusing on the times they did or didn't so that they can defend themselves.)
"You make me. . ." (No one can make you feel a certain way. You are totally responsible for how you perceive and react to things.)
"Don't you think . . .?" (You are implying that they should think your way.)
"You should. . ." (These words are telling the other person that they are not okay if they do not do what you say-which often leads to rebellious behavior because they are not feeling that they have a choice.)
13. In order to be heard, begin your sentences with the following words:
"I imagine. . ." (Your imagination is not threatening to another.)
"I like you and. . ." (They are likely to be open to your comment.)
"I feel. . ." (People like to hear what you are feeling.)
"What (or How) are you feeling?" (These words ask for information and show that you care.)
"Sometimes or often. . ." (People can often handle non-absolutes.)
"I resent. . ." (Taking responsibility for your feelings helps the other person hear you.)
"What do you want?" (You are helping the other person tell you what they desire-shows that you care enough to ask.)
"I want (prefer, or would like). . ." (People like direct and clear messages.)
14. Be aware of your non-verbal messages and be congruent. That is, your body language and words need to be sending the same message.
For example, if you say, "What do you want?" with an annoyed tone of voice, you are sending the message that you really do not care about what they want.
15. If you are upset, do what you need to do in order to feel calm so that you can communicate constructively. For example, take a walk, nap, write down your feelings, or yell into a pillow.
16. Create win-win situations by brainstorming until both parties are satisfied with the solution. Then work out the specific details to carry out the mutually agreed upon decision.
These techniques can greatly enhance your relationships. Be forgiving and patient with yourself and others as you acquire the art of communication.
Both Eileen Edwards & Helene Rothschild are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Eileen Edwards has sinced written about articles on various topics from Culture and Society, Marriage and Culture and Society. Eileen is passionate about helping people to have happy relationships having turned her own life around in this area as a young woman. To share her knowledge order Eileen's free "Love Magnet" report from eileen@eileenedwards.co.uk See also website. Eileen Edwards's top article generates over 74000 views. to your Favourites.
Helene Rothschild has sinced written about articles on various topics from Essential Oils, Alternative Medicine and Mothers Day. Copyright 2006 by Helene Rothschild, MS, MA, MFT, a Marriage, Family Therapist, intuitive counselor, speaker, and author. The article is excerts from her book , "ALL YOU NEED IS HART!?. She offers phone sessions, teleclasses, books, e-books, MP3 audios, p. Helene Rothschild's top article generates over 110000 views. to your Favourites.