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[B310]Being A Step Parent

by Alyssa Johnson, Aly

People rarely have a clue what a relationship with a step-child will be like. It's not because we're stupid. It's just that there aren't any guide books for step families. We just assume it's ok to play by biological family rules. A lot of false beliefs happens as a result of this. Today, I'd like to look at some of the most common and present a more realistic view of what you're likely to experience.

1. I get along fine with the children now, so our relationship will only improve once I'm married to their parent.

Once you are married to their parent, children will view their relationship with you VERY differently. Things are permanent now. Any hopes they may have been holding onto about mom and dad reconciling are dead, and you're a part of that death. This quite obviously can cause serious resentment.

2. The kids are only over every other weekend. That shouldn't cause much of a disruption to our home life.

Just because a child is over every other weekend, doesn't mean they can't wreak havoc on your home and life. I receive tons of questions from fledgling step-parents struggling with what to do to manage what they view as the "disruption" to their lives when the kids come to visit. It's not that they don't like the kids, it's just that their usual schedule gets turned topsy turvy.

3. My partner loves me. so obviously their kids will too.

Nowhere does it say that just because a child's parent loves you, that they have to. Many kids have the opinion that they already have 2 parents and they aren't interested in having any more. Your goal in the beginning needs to be for a friendly, civil relationship - not one full of love. If you get love, great! But, don't count on it.

4. I'm an adult... How tough can it be to win a kid over?

It can be VERY difficult to "win over" a step-child. The problem is your attitude. It's really a manipulative one. Rather than "win" them over, the focus needs to be on being present in their lives and slowly trying to build a relationship with them.

5. I won't have to be the "bad guy" with these kids. My spouse will take care of all the discipline.

While this SHOULD be the way things go, it rarely does. Most of the time single parents are so happy to have another adult in the house, they expect that person to step in and share the responsibility of discipline.

6. My new spouse will make sure the kids treat me with respect.

This is another one that SHOULD happen, but unfortunately a lot of parents are still wrestling with a sense of guilt over breaking up the family. The guilt continues as the parent feels that the children are being forced into a new and different family. A lot of times this guilt plays out by parents not requiring their children to treat the new member of the family (that would be you, by the way) with the respect they deserve.

Bringing families together can be tough under normal circumstances, but add the pressure of Christmas and we can quickly feel like we've become the wicked step-parent.

There's a lot to consider: the logistics of who spends Christmas Eve at which home, changing family traditions, financial considerations plus a whole lot of emotional upheaval, especially when agreements become more complicated - and particularly if both you and your partner have children from previous relationships.

There's also plenty of room for things to go wrong too: will the other parent mess your plans up by ignoring return times? Will the children come back from their absent parent needing to be ‘de-programmed'? Will the children invite their other parent over to yours on Christmas Day?!

There is undoubtedly a lot to take into account at Christmas for a stepfamily, But with a little planning and forethought many of the difficulties can be avoided.

If you want to avoid the hassles and have a happy, enjoyable Stepfamily Christmas, then here's my 10 tips:

Prepare yourself and think about how you would like things to be.

Set realistic expectations and don't expect too much of yourself and others.

Establish what works for you and your partner.

Keep things simple.

Consider what the children are going through at this emotionally loaded time of year.

Talk plans over as a family.

If you can, discuss plans with the children's other parent.

Start the holiday early if it's not possible to have all the children together at Christmas.

Make time for you and your partner.

Make time for you to avoid things feeling like hard work – if they do you then risk being seen as the wicked step-parent.

And finally…

Remember that even the best-made plans are subject to last minute changes.

Christmas is an opportunity to create strong family values and bonds with solid foundations and memories that last a lifetime. Focus on this and you'll be laughing.

Until next time!
Jo Ball
www.thestepfamilycoach.com

Article Source : Pg. 3

About Author

Both Alyssa Johnson & Jo Ball - The Stepfamily Coach are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.

Alyssa Johnson has sinced written about articles on various topics from Home, After Divorce and Flirting Tips. There are a lot of factors that determine what your relationship with your step-child will look like. Today we looked at the most typical of reactions. If you'd like to learn others, come join us at. Alyssa Johnson's top article generates over 22200 views. to your Favourites.

Jo Ball - The Stepfamily Coach has sinced written about articles on various topics from After Divorce, Family Concerns. . Jo Ball - The Stepfamily Coach's top article generates over 1600 views. to your Favourites.