What is it about us guys and our commitment phobia? Ever since they were little girls, women look forward to their special day, their dream Hawaii wedding (or wherever), but most guys dread being tied down when they tie the knot. How can the average male feel more comfortable about taking the plunge?
Firstly, you need to understand the basic nature of men and women. Women grow by filling themselves up with love. They are symbolized by an empty vessel, like a cup, which aims to fill itself to the brim with Life, love and the abundance of the world. Women find meaning by going deeper into loving and caring, and being in a sexual relationship with a man (and possibly also having kids) is often the primary way they develop their love. From a spiritual perspective, you could say that women get to know God through love.
Men, on the other hand, are a different breed altogether. They thrive on cutting through constraints, limits and barriers, crashing through to freedom on the other side. Men find meaning in conquering their fears, rising to the challenge and bringing out the best in themselves, proving to the whole world their strength, endurance and trustworthiness. Hence a man's primary purpose on earth is not his relationship; he may love his woman (and kids) dearly, but he still has his mission, the fulfilling of which drives him to be the best he can and always somehow leads to liberty in the end. From a spiritual perspective, you could say that men get to know God through freedom.
There are only two fundamental emotions, love and fear, which are complete opposites. Since the achievement of freedom is the total banishing and conquering of fear, and since when fear is completely gone only love can remain, you can say that love and freedom are ultimately the same thing, or two sides of the same coin. Thus from a spiritual perspective women and men realize God by traversing different paths, but they ultimately arrive at the same mountain peak.
So there is an asymmetry to love: women consider their relationship with their man as part (or all) of their purpose for being here, while men consider their mission as their purpose for being here. Rather than resisting this truth and trying to change it, women and men would do better to accept their polarities and realize that this is what creates the wonderful sexual energy between them.
With this in mind men can get over their commitment phobia by first accepting it as a natural aversion to constraint. Secondly they can understand that it is completely possible to love a woman dearly and still have a mission which drives them to be who they are. Men must take responsibility for knowing themselves and knowing their mission, and staying dedicated to it while being in a relationship. After all, this steadfastness and strength of character is what a woman really wants in a man. No woman can deeply respect and trust a man who would frivolously drop his mission. If he acts like that with his mission, why wouldn't he also act like that with her?
Men need to find freedom within apparent constraint, and by their calmness, steadiness and strength, show that all limitation is an illusion. What better way to do this than by being with one woman?
Once a man has conquered his fear of being with one woman permanently, he must reassure her that he loves her deeply and is committed to working through the tough times with her. This builds tremendous trust and allows the man sufficient space to fulfill his mission while being in a relationship.
You may be wondering what kind of treatment is available for commitment phobia. First the person has to want the help and be willing to work with a therapist.
The therapist or counsellor needs to determine whether or not the person truly is a commitment phobic or if there is some other personality disorder present. If it is determined that the person truly has a commitment phobia, then the therapist and her client need to work on uncovering what triggered the problem.
However, what is certain is that the person has a problem and that problem is feeling bad in some way, whether the feeling is labelled "commitment phobia" or not! The good news is that it is much easier to work directly with changing a feeling than it is to go the old fashioned Freudian style of uncovering childhood traumas or skeletons in the cupboard.
Understanding the roots of a life limiting behaviour does not necessarily alter it. Changing the way you feel, on the other hand, always alters behaviour. Once we have established that we can work directly with feelings, the spotlight shifts from the so-called commitment phobia itself to a completely different area: does the person with the behaviour accept that he or she actually has a problem?
This is much trickier, especially as there are always two of you in a relationship. The "commitment phobic" can always say - and truly believe - that he is not the one with the problem, but that there is some flaw in you that causes him to stray or run away altogether. And if you are the one on the receiving end of that, your self confidence can take some serious blows.
It is for these reasons that I included both self esteem rebuilding strategies and a powerful process to easily change feelings in my program to mend a broken heart: "How To Trust Love Again When Your Heart's Been Broken."
My advice about commitment phobia then becomes much simpler. First, stop labelling it. The very term "commitment phobia" or "commitment phobic" sounds like a disease, and no one likes to be labelled "diseased." It's behaviour that one of you at least finds difficult. If the person with the behaviour does not have a problem with it, then actually they are not going to change it. We never change behaviours that feel more comfortable than the alternatives.
Secondly, understand that to change behaviour, you first need to change how you feel - not about each other, but inside. It's not difficult when you realise one thing: if you're commitment phobic, then ironically, you are committed to the behaviour of phobia!
It sounds like a joke but it isn't. It is your lifeline. Somewhere you know what it feels like to be committed to something, even if that commitment is not conscious and is not producing the outcome you desire. Harness the feeling and you have the key to change.
Both Timory & Trevor Emdon are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Timory has sinced written about articles on various topics from Wedding Bells, Marriage and Photography. For more information visit: . Timory's top article generates over 165000 views. to your Favourites.
Trevor Emdon has sinced written about articles on various topics from Dating and Romance, Marketing and Communications and Online Dating. Trevor Emdon is a self improvement author, life coach and workshop leader. He is a trained mental health professional & NLP practitioner.For advice, free articles and more about heartbreak recovery, visit his website. Trevor Emdon's top article generates over 165000 views. to your Favourites.