It's always a shock when our once enthusiastic child comes to us and tells us that he wants to quit. A battle ensues. You tell him to stick it out and he screams "you can't make me!" You try to make deal with him but he still says "no!" You wonder if it's worth it. And finally, frustrated and defeated, you give in.
It can be challenging not to give in to your children's pleas to quit when you know they're having a hard time. We hate to see them falter. We balk when they fall down. We want to protect them from harsh realities of failing or loosing even though we know that the one who stands back up and perseveres is the one who triumphs in life.
So how can we teach our children to commit to the end even when it's challenging? Here are some ways to teach your children to persevere:
(1) Adjust the family language: Use language at home that shows that your family is filled with winners who never give up. Ask your child...what do you hear people say when they're telling themselves not to quit? These phrases may be, "I can do it!" "Winners never quit, quitters never win," "It's not whether you win or lose but whether you stay in the game," or "I'll never give up!" Celebrate the moments when your children have used these phrases to motivate themselves and be sure to let them know when you've done the same.
(2) Point out perseverance in action: If your child exhibits perseverance, take notice and let them know you're proud! Say to your children; You met the challenge head on, kept your commitment, and achieved your goal. What great focus! You must feel terrific and I am so proud of you!" Your child will feel motivated by your encouraging praise. It also let's your child know that you notice his hard work and you value his commitment.
(3) Be a persevering role model: Allow your children to see the ways you persevere and discuss these successes with them. Tell your children about your commitment to follow through with the tasks you take on—even when they get difficult. Let them hear you say, "I will keep trying and never give up until I have reached my goal!"
(4) Agree on a family commitment motto: Call a family meeting and decide on a family motto when it comes to perseverance. For example: "Winners never quit, quitters never win", "Finish what you started," "Don't give up!" and "We will try, never fear, we will always persevere!" When you live by a family motto of commitment and perseverance, your children will hear it in their head when they are facing a challenge and will be much more likely to follow through.
(5) Remind them that to start is to commit: Be sure to explain to your children that each time they start something; they need to commit to an agreed amount of time. This might be a session, a year, or a full several-year program. Signing an agreement of commitment that can be hung on the refrigerator will help everyone understand that your family takes perseverance and commitment seriously.
(6) Don't give in: While it may seem easier for everyone, when you allow your child to drop out or stop trying, you teach them that it's OK to give up. Quitting less important things as a child may lead to a pattern of quitting more important things as a teen or an adult. Barring serious issues like broken bones or abusive coaches, encourage your children to follow through with their commitments once they've made them.
(7) Discuss the Sacrifice and Rewards of Commitment: We must help our child to understand that with commitment comes sacrifice as well as rewards. Committing to one thing might mean giving up participating in another. For example, a child who commits to participating in a sport may not have time to be in the school play. However, he will gain the camaraderie of being on team, the challenge of the competition, and the pride of achieving his goal. When your child understands that commitment may mean giving something up as well as gaining something fun or exciting, he will be able to make his decision based on all the facts.
Remember, the more you believe in the importance of commitment, model it for your family, and weave it into everyday family life, the more that your children will learn that quitting is not an option when aiming to complete a task or achieve a goal.
We all know that "helicopter parenting," the practice of hovering over children and swooping in at any sign of challenge, discomfort, or impending failure, needs to become a thing of the past. Parents who allow their children to make mistakes and learn from them are giving their children a major advantage in life.
It's developmentally appropriate for children to become more and more independent, self reliant and responsible as they age. It can be challenging for parents to know when to step back and let their children try something on their own. After all, from the time their children were babies, parents have spent years meeting many to all of their child's needs.
Striking a balance between allowing your children to do tasks for themselves and helping them when they seem to need or want is a talent of very powerful parents. This balance allows their children to thrive because they feel more confident in themselves while still feeling supported and properly mentored.
How can we instill self reliance and responsibility into our children?
(1) Allow your children to make some decisions: Even young children can make sound decisions if you give them a few select choices. Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? Would you like a peanut butter sandwich or a cheese sandwich? As children get older, you can allow them to make more important decisions with little to no guidance. They can determine things like which Fall sport they'd like to play, if they need a tutor for math, and which friends they'd like to spend time with each day without needing much, if any, input from parents. While it's tempting to make these kinds of decisions for your older children, they need to stand on their own two feet—after all, their decisions are often correct!
(2) Encourage your children to try tasks on their own: We know that tasks may be executed more quickly and skillfully when we step in and do them for our children. However, the only way they're going to learn how to do tasks for themselves is if we step aside and allow them to do work through them on their own. Laundry, shoe-tying, and making the bed are great places to start with young children. Older children can handle more complicated tasks such as cooking, preparing their own lunch, and doing their own homework.
(3) Model responsibility and self reliance: Parents have many responsibilities—let your child see them and hear about them! Say out loud; "This screw seems a little loose, I'll go get the screwdriver and tighten it" or "I have to plan our weekly menu for dinner; let's see...Monday night we'll have..." When children see you making decisions, taking initiative, and displaying self reliant behaviors, they will engage in similar behavior.
(4) Coach your child to come up with his own answer: When your child asks you questions about how to do something or what to do in a certain situation, sometimes asking questions is more important than providing answers. "What do you think you should do? How would you feel if you chose X? What would happen if you did Y instead?" These questions can unlock the answers in your own child's brain so the next time he's in a similar situation he'll be able to call on his own experience and judgment to make a decision.
(5) Be a good support system: Sometimes this means cheering them on from the sidelines and other times it means encouraging them to try again. Of course, when children truly need your help, they should know that they can count on you. If you teach them to ask for help when they really need it (when something seems unsafe or too challenging), they should know that you will be there to assist them. When children know they can count on you when they're really in need, they'll feel more secure about taking healthy risks and making mistakes.
(6) Get them involved with household responsibilities: Chores are great for teaching children how to be self reliant as well as how to work as a team. Take some time to teach your children how to do each chore properly. You can even work on a checklist together which helps to break down the task into easy, age-appropriate chunks. For example, (a) Take the clothes out of the dryer, (b) Separate the clothes by family member, (c) Match up all the socks...and so on. Providing responsibilities will allow children to build their self confidence and self reliance.
(7) Encourage healthy risk-taking: Assure your children that making mistakes is OK. The most important thing is that s/he tries! Most things are not done perfectly the first time—even when you're an adult. It doesn't mean "the end of the world" and there is no reason to be embarrassed. Watching our children make mistakes can be challenging. We may want to rush to their aid to shield them from impending failure or disappointment. However, when parents do this, they rob their children of some very powerful tools; self confidence, stick-to-itiveness, and of course, self reliance.
Your children are relying on you to teach them how to approach the world. Sometimes that means they have to watch you to learn how to approach the task. But other times that means, you must watch them from the sidelines and encourage them to figure it out on their own.
Dr Robyn Silverman has sinced written about articles on various topics from Family Travel, Children and Kids and Teens. Child Development Specialist and success coach, Dr. Robyn Silverman, is a resource to both parents and educators. She has been pegged as "The Character Queen" for her insightful tips on everything from teaching children respect to discipline, confidence,. Dr Robyn Silverman's top article generates over 12100 views. to your Favourites.