Instead, John and I eloped. No flowers, music, wedding gown or tuxedo. His best man was my man of honor. We were married in a minister's living room. The ceremony was interrupted because the younger son couldn't see and at the end of the ceremony the older son announced kissing the bride was yucky. Nevertheless, with a monetary thank you for the minister and a reception of ginger ale and Crackerjack, our wedding cost less than $105.

Thankfully, there's no correlation between how much is spent on a wedding and how long a marriage lasts. However, the more that's spent, the more there is to lose.

The good news about eloping is there are no wedding presents to write thank you notes for or - presents to exchange. The bad news is there are no wedding presents and thus you have to buy your own toaster.

Of course, some guests give the always appreciated present - money. The wedding version of "the check is in the mail" is "the bridesmaids' dresses can be worn again".

I've always wondered why there has to be the same number of groomsmen as bridesmaids. The bridesmaids walk up the aisle alone. They could walk down alone - or is this some antiquated symbolism for having to have a man in your life?

Couples spend thousands of dollars on their weddings to have singers, doves released, exotic locations. If it rains on their day, they're unlucky. If they haven't saved money for rainy days, they're unluckier.

Rain or shine, I cry at weddings. Even if the couple has been living together, I know something they don't know - soon they'll be arguing about the pink flamingo, punch bowl from Cousin Walter.

Hopefully, in years to come, they won't be arguing about the husband saying the happiest day of his life was when he won the trophy for catching the biggest fish or bowling the highest score or getting a hole-in-one.

If I had such a husband, I would vote myself the world's most understanding wife. However, I wouldn't want a trophy. It would be just one more thing to dust.