Popular culture in the US is heavily influenced by athletics, and the idea of competition has spilled over into every aspect of child rearing.
For many parents, successful parenting means setting goals for a child, and withholding approval and love until those goals are met.
Nowhere in this parenting philosophy is there an understanding that parenting children through their failures is far more likely to help them become successful than parenting them to avoid failure will.
Children come into the world with their survival instincts fully developed, even if they aren't physically capable of caring for themselves.
So when they get old enough to pick up on the idea that failure is a threat to their survival, simply because the people who care for them aren't happy when they fail, they'll find ways to avoid failure. Parenting kids to live with failure will require Mom and Dad to watch for certain avoidance tactics.
Kids who know they are likely to fail at a certain activity will find ways to avoid participating.
They will feign injury or develop a sudden headache or stomach ache; they will forget their gym shoes; they will lose hide the permission slip for the activity; or they will simply refuse to participate and start making fun of those who do.
They are protecting themselves from failure by avoiding involvement.
Another tactic children develop to avoid failure is to find someone or something to blame. ?The grass on the playground was wet so I couldn't run at full speed or I would have won.?
?My book report was better than Jane's but she got an A and I only got a B because the teacher likes girls better than boys.?
By assigning responsibility for their failure to circumstances beyond their control, children thing the can remove the threat of being rejected by their parents and peers.
The final way in which children will avoid failure is by forcing themselves to succeed, and while that may sound like just the ticket for many driven parents, what it really means is that they are raising kids who will never know the joy of finding the areas for which they truly have a gift and can become real assets to the human race.
Kids who have an average aptitude for math, for instance, but feel compelled to bring a report card with at least a B+ in every subject, may grind away at the math and forego entering the statewide essay contest, even though they love writing and would have had a real chance to excel.
Parenting kids though failure means letting them know that they don't have to set the world on fire with everything they do.
Kids who have succeeded in avoiding failure have also succeeded in ensuring that they will never full engage in life. One of the biggest gifts parents can give to their children is the understanding that it's okay to fail.
Parenting kids to live through failure is a way of letting them know that, once they are out in the big world where failure is inevitable, they can simply accept their failure and move on, motivated to do better.
Children who have been allowed to fail without fearing for their emotional survival do not have to hide from their behavior; they can simply accept its consequences and make the changes necessary to achieve the desired result. And they also understand that nobody is perfect.
Parenting children to live with failure, in other words, is simply dusting off the old clich?, and instilling it in your kids with all the love you can muster: ?If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.?
Your teen might be a victim of abuse, or at risk for it, if she is dating someone who:
1.Is very possessive and/or spies on her or stalks her,
2.Will not let her break off or otherwise limit the relationship,
3.Hurts her emotionally or physically, is violent, abusive or brags about hurting or abusing others,
4.Puts her down, insults her, humiliates her or makes her feel bad about herself,
5.Forces her to have sex, intimidates her or makes her afraid to say no to sex,
6.Abuses any mind-altering substances, including alcohol; or pressures her to use them,
7.Has a history of relationships fraught with conflict and blames it on others.
Whether straight or gay, it is hard for your teenager to leave her abuser if they go to the same school. Hiding from the perpetrator can become too difficult.
Your teenager may find it next to impossible to avoid the abuser in the halls, in class or at lunch. Also, gay and lesbian teens are sometimes scared that they may be intimidated to come out of the closet before they are ready.
If you think your teenager is being abused, get help from a counselor. If you, your daughters other family members or her friends are warning her about the guy she is dating, encourage her to get help.
Encourage her to call a counselor or therapist immediately. She does not have to suffer in silence.
If your children are living in a violent home, chances are that your kids know about the violence. You may think that they do not know, but most of the time they do, even if just subconsciously.
Children in these homes often feel helpless, scared and depressed. They may also feel guilty because they assume that the turmoil in their home is their fault.
Violence in the home is very upsetting and can be dangerous for your kids. They have to live with frightening sounds, yelling, screaming and hitting. They can become very afraid for their siblings and themselves.
Children try to stop the abuse, but usually fail. Also, sometimes when they try to stop it, they get hurt.
They can get hurt by any weapons that are used or objects that are thrown. VERY IMPORTANT: Remember that, if nothing else, children are seriously harmed just by witnessing abuse and violence.
Also, in homes that are abusive or violent, the children often do not get the care they need. If you are being abused, chances are that you may be in too much pain to take good care of your kids.
Children living in violent or abusive homes are afflicted with many problems. They often have trouble sleeping, academic problems and troubles in school getting along with others.
Sometimes, they feel sad and scared even when there is no need. They may grow up feeling poorly about themselves and their families.
These problems usually do not resolve by themselves. They can be omnipresent even as the child gets older.
Much of this holds true for stalking victims. Stalking is a continuing harassment designed to make a woman feel scared or upset. A stalker can be either someone you know or a perfect stranger.
Stalkers worry people by giving them attention they do not want. This can include acts such as, unwanted phone calls or gifts or following you when you are driving or walking somewhere.
It also includes any threats which may be made to you or your family. Since no one has been physically hurt, people sometimes think stalking is not dangerous. However, it is serious, illegal and sometimes becomes physically violent.
However, in all these situations, there is help for you and your family. Call a counselor or psychologist before it is too late. If stalking or violence is involved, get a Personal Protection Order (PPO) and tell the police.
If the stalking involves a family member who needs to empower herself, call a family therapist or counselor before things get out of hand.
Both Matt Garrett & Mike Shery are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Matt Garrett has sinced written about articles on various topics from Limited Liability Company, Family Concerns and Marketing. Matt Garrett ? 2007 www.PositiveParentingHandbook.com Get your Free 12 Part Ecourse on Positive Parenting for Raising Healthy, Happy and Smart Kids