My husband and I lay cuddled together basking in our retreat. Our view drew our breath away. Great mountains rose up and just outside our window was an amazing panoramic view of beautiful wild country. And in the background I heard Billy Idol's song Start Again! And each time I heard the words "start again" a shiver of excitement ran through my veins like wildfire.
It was as if inspiration hit me like one of nature's tornados. I knew in an instant, that even families with troubles could start again with the rise of the morning sun. I knew that despite problems, the gift of a new morning meant that you could always start all over again, maybe this time with new insight, with new help from God's angels, or new help with a fresh attitude.
Then, just a short while later we watched on the television a show called "Intervention" In this particular episode an older gentleman addicted to heroin told his story. He had two beautiful grown daughters, who talked with him on a regular basis. He had an ex-wife who still held him dear, but was extremely sorrowful of the situation. He had a teenage son, who didn't ever know his father other than as an addict. For ten long years this family suffered through with the father's addiction. But one thing struck me like a thunderbolt. In spite of the horrific problems associated with the father's addiction, the family still spoke to each other and in addition they still loved each other.
When a family falls apart, for whatever the reason, and it seems like there can be a million of them. Whether it is from rebellious teenagers to drugs or alcohol addiction, to disloyalty, to having a child born with a handicap, to a family member becoming disabled, to financial difficulty to pregnant teens, to runaway teens, to a host of other reasons, have the courage to keep talking. It can be so difficult and the pain can bring you to your knees. My husband and I have both been there. We have both felt the pain. But never give up. And never stop talking.
According to the 2000 U. S. Census records more than 60% of children are from divorced homes and 72% have a family member struggling with addiction. So what does that make the dysfunctional family? More common then we know. So now do you see why it is so important to never stop talking to family? Because during these times when families are so vulnerable and there is so much hurt and blame to go around, this is the critical time when families do tend to stop talking to each other. This is when they tend to break off into factions. For example, a child runs away, grows up, and starts a new family, and doesn't talk to his or her family at all. One year becomes many years. And so the cycle continues. It can happen to any family. Sometimes this pattern of not talking to family members can extend for generations. Don't let it. Stop it in its tracks. Reach out! The key to preventing it and healing it if it has already happened is to talk. Communication and love is the key.
If you are a parent reach out to your child. If you are a child reach out to your parent. If you are a grandparent reach out to both your children and grandchildren. If you are a cousin, aunt or uncle reach out to your family members. Sometimes harsh, mean, and nasty things are said and so that is used as a reason not to talk or forgive a family member. But the most healing thing you can do is just talk.
Here is a way to start. I don't recommend email so much because an email is easier to dismiss than a phone call. You can't hear the raw emotion and hear the sincerity, and feel the love like you can in a phone call or in person. In my humble opinion, start with a phone call or face to face visit. Say I just wanted to talk to you and let you know that I am so sorry for the way things are. I want to start talking again and to be a family again. I want to tell you that I've missed you, and I'm sorry that we haven't talked in so long.
You might face rejection at first. But don't give up on family. All of us were born to a certain family for a reason. Dysfunctional or not, think of it as a learning curve. And the pain? That too. Because if we can pull together as families the joy and happiness that will bring can be boundless. If you live far away, use the phone. If you live close by, invite for an extended family get together. But just keep calling and inviting with love and friendship and things will, with time, improve.
Here's the thing. When families break apart, at first you might have more peace, and you will think, aw, things are better now. More peaceful. And so both sides may let time slip away without talking. But as time goes on, there will always be a sore spot in your heart that doesn't ever go away. It will fester and when you least expect it, it will rise up. And pain will slam into you. And you will think, Oh God! I thought that went away. And then you will have to deal with the pain again and you will feel lost. So try, try, try to reach out to your families and above all don't give up.
With the dawn of a new day, start again!
Warmest wishes,
Susan Farmer
I recently surveyed my blog readers to get their thoughts on a few topics. One item asked what question readers would ask me if we had the chance to sit down and talk openly and freely. One of the more interesting (and brave) questions I got was from my sister who wanted to know if a history of infidelity in our family history led me to have a similar history in my first marriage.
My husband's reaction? He nearly peed himself laughing. My sister, meanwhile, was in knots over whether she offended me with her audacious query. My reaction?
Great question! And one I have often pondered.
My short answer is, "I'm not sure, but it sure looks like a karmic rollout to me."
I have a multigenerational line of marital unfaithfulness (not unlike a few, possibly many, of you, I might imagine), with tragic consequences in at least one instance. And, yes, I followed suit in my first marriage. Was that the result of karma or was I simply subtly socialized to think that behavior was okay?
Do questions like this diminish my responsibility for my actions or do they shed light on them?
Taking note of the family history of issues you find yourself struggling with does change your relationship with them. Yes, you could, if so inclined, simply poiint your finger and blame your parents, ancestors, or the Fates for your struggles. I hope you don't.
If you sincerely want to get a handle on your life where dysfunctional family patterns are concerned, you certainly can start by reflecting and acknowledging that you may well have been under the influence of powerful energies that tipped the balance in favor of you acting out this family pattern. It is possible the nature of the energies was such that you may not have even have realized they were working on you. (In my case, some of the family line were deceased before I was born, but I still was impacted by their stories.)
Once you've considered all this, remember:
Feeling yourself to be under the influence of "family karma" does NOT relieve you of responsbility for your actions.
In fact, it raises the level of importance that you DO take responsibility. How much of this weight is the next generation supposed to carry, after all? It doesn't matter if you have kids or not. Family energy can ripple in all kinds of directions. It would be naive and irresponsible for me to believe any negative pattern of behaviour on my part would have no effect on my nieces and nephews. They look up to me and I care about them.
You don't decide if you are a role model, the ones looking at you decide that.
Action you can take:
In your journal, write the chronology of this issue you are facing (infidelity, addiction, early loss of a loved one, etc) as you are aware of it in your family. Do this as objectively as you can, steering clear of blame and bitterness. Who knows where the first sin occured? (Okay, Adam and Eve, we'll blame them.) You are simply tracing a thread in order to understand it. Is it a thick or thin thread? Long or short? Who tried to resist its pull and succeeded? Who tried and failed? Who gave in? How did the thread change as a result of how people responded to it? Did it get stronger or start to fray?
Your relationship is with the thread. Take everyone else out of the picture right now.
What do you want to do with the thread now that it is running through your life, as well?
If you are sincere in wanting to break the thread:
What kind of help will you need to do so? In what way is the thread seducing you? What does it represent? What pain comes with resisting it? Who do you need to recruit to help you?
All that insight is great. Now, when will you begin?
Both Susan Farmer & Laura Young are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Susan Farmer has sinced written about articles on various topics from Social Issues, Culture and Society and Caralluma. If you enjoyed this article, please visit my website at Warmest wishes, Susan Farmer. Susan Farmer's top article generates over 1900 views. to your Favourites.
Laura Young has sinced written about articles on various topics from self improvement and motivation, Culture and Society. Laura Young, M.A. is a personal development coach specializing in helping individuals restructure their lives after significant loss or transition. Laura has written extensively on such topics as relationships, love, loss, marriage, communication, intimac. Laura Young's top article generates over 27100 views. to your Favourites.