Have you ever been with someone or, to be more precise, tried to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable? You want this person so much, the chemistry between you two may be amazing, you may have deep intimate conversations with each other and even go out on dates a few times and yet, something is definitely missing and you feel unsatisfied. This person just would not commit to a full blown relationship with you.
If you know exactly what I'm talking about, you are not alone. If you're single and/or have been single for a long time, being stuck in this situation at least once is practically unavoidable. Why are you so attracted to this person if you know the two of you can't be together? If you really believe that you want to be in a loving committed relationship with someone wholeheartedly, why is it that you still chose to stay in a situation that, you know deep inside, will get you nowhere? Do you really believe that you can change this person's mind about being with you or do you just make yourself believe it because you feel like you have no other choice?
Let's look at this simple analogy that may open your eyes a bit, scuba diving. Have you ever done scuba diving? One of the rules of this sport is that you have to have someone to dive in with you. You need at least one partner who will watch your back just in case if something happens to you or your equipment. Every person who makes a choice to dive into the water takes a full responsibility for his or her life. People who are not ready for this or people who have fear of being underwater, feel claustrophobic inside a scuba suit, or fear of any water creature that might attack them, do not go underwater. They choose to stay in the boat. If you take the concept of water as being in a relationship and anything above water, i.e. boat or shore as single scene, then a typical emotionally unavailable man or a woman is someone who prefers to stay in the boat. They may be extremely fascinated with water creatures, they love dolphins and they love to swim as long as their head is above the water level, but they just don't want to dive in with you.
Now, to see a bigger picture, imagine yourself, the one who really wants to be in a relationship, jumping into the water, looking up at the guy in the boat wondering why he won't jump in with you. From your point of view, all you can see is this poor person in the boat who misses out on all the fun and the experience of watching the wonders of the sea. You try to convince him or her, explain it to them what they're missing, tell them it's not as bad at they think, sometimes even try a few tricks to get this person to jump in and yet, nothing you can do gets them to fully dive into the water with you. They give you ten thousand reasons and excuses, the water is too cold, their suit doesn't fit them, they watched the movie Jaws the night before.
You get hurt, frustrated, disappointed, wonder what you did wrong or what is wrong with you and yet, there is one important thing you refuse to acknowledge. The fact that you're the one who isn't experiencing all the wonders of the sea and that it is your fault that you don't. You keep hanging around the surface of the water in your scuba gear, refusing to go under and experience it all the fun yourself. Sounds pretty silly, doesn't it? And yet, if you waste your time trying to get an emotionally unavailable man to commit, that's exactly what you're doing. Why is this so appealing to you? Why does the person in the boat seem a lot more attractive to you than someone under the water?
The truth is, whether you see it or not, you are not entirely ready to go underwater. You feel like you want to be there all the way but something holds you back. And you want this person to jump after you from the boat because you want to avoid your fear of facing the deep waters alone. And it's not only the fear of water (intimacy) you're experiencing, it is also the fear of rejection. The person in the boat can't really reject you as a partner because they don't want to be anybody's partner - they don't want to dive. While someone underwater can refuse to be your partner for a number of reasons, some of which you may not want to know. As much as you try to avoid getting hurt, the person in the boat will hurt you far more than someone underwater who could say "no" to you as a partner, because the guy in the boat will string you along and keep you lingering at the surface, preventing you from fully experiencing the wonder of being in a relationship.
Copyright (c) 2008 Katherine Bouglai
There's a breed of men that loves to date but hates the emotional intimacy. They would want to be emotionally unattached, but want to play on the dating field. That is what they all want, to date and have fun. One casual relationship, but no strings attached, please. These days, that is quite acceptable already as there are also women who are players and think the same way as this kind of men.
It works just fine if you are a player yourself. The challenge comes when a woman with commitment in mind dates a man who has no plans of getting into a serious relationship. However hard you sweet talk that man into committing would be like squeezing water out of stone.
Believe me, even if you use all the tricks in the bag, including shutting up, it just won't work. Men who prefer to be emotionally unavailable know what they want and love the fact that they can play the field and remain uncommitted. It will be frustrating for a woman to make that kind of man commit. Trying will prove to be futile.
It should be the man's responsibility to keep the relationship alive right?
Yes and no actually. Truthfully, men must take on more responsibility to keep the relationship going but reality shows that it does not always work that way.
Reminding them again and again will not work, because they would think that you are their mom who kept on ordering them around when they were still kids. Nagging would almost guarantee that you will not see even the shadow of that man in the days to come. Forcing the man to go the direction you want him to go will only make him move farther and farther away.
Should you say something or forever hold your peace? What will work and what will not?
There are many things you can do to make him go towards what you want willingly. But the key lies in your hand. If you want a long term relationship, you might want to change a few things like the way you see things, and the way you show him how you feel. It will be a sacrifice, but making him fall for you will make the sacrifice worth it.
How you see things between a man and a woman may have to change. Believing that it is all the man responsibility to make the relationship work, or thinking that he should accept you for who you are flaws and all are thoughts you need to change. If you choose not to change and continue believing those lines, then you can expect Prince Charming never to find you ever again.
Listen to him and show him you really care and that you are interested in what he thinks and how he looks at thinks. Listening will make you see how his mind works and you may be able to find his weakness and make him feel that you are a gem that he should not let go. Who knows, probably the reason that he has remained in the field is because he has not found that woman who knew how to push the right buttons. Be the woman that he has been dreaming about and be amazed on how he will do his role in the relationship without you lifting a finger.
Both Katherine Bouglai & Aaron Adams are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.