I tell you, I've seen absolutely every variation on this old saw in the so called "literature" of my field, in the popular literature, in television, movies, magazines, workshops, and I'm totally unconvinced that at the deepest, most fundamental levels that you can make ANY conclusions about "what women want and need" or "what men want and need" in relationships.
Such divisions will do nothing but support your defenses and keep you from ever discovering the depth of a Great Relationship.
Let me put this in front of you right now. Stop making conclusions!
Just stop making conclusions! Your mind is full of nonsense about men and women, relationships, marriage, divorce, gay and straight, sex in general. Just give it up and make yourself like a brand new baby who doesn't know a thing, and then, like a baby, discover all the ways to get the "right" information --that is, the information that comes from the reality of dealing directly and without filters with your loved one.
Without foregone conclusions!
Just stop making conclusions that just because you have lived with someone or been married to them for ten, twenty, thirty, forty or even fifty years, that you know ANYTHING about them.
I can't tell you how many times I've sat in my therapy room with my jaw on the floor from hearing the conclusions that one person has just drawn about their partner and who that person is, when it is abundantly clear, just from what that person just NOW said and expressed that the other person is simply hallucinating and that they aren't talking about their partner AT ALL!
I don't care how long you have been together. The likelihood is that unless you have made a regular, ongoing, open-minded attempt without cease and with real courage and intensity to keep yourself open to the changes and development of the person you are with, you don't know that person at all.
As a matter of fact, let me make that even stronger. I think that in the vast majority of relationships that the longer two people have been together, the less they truly know the other person.
And I'll add this incredible fact to the mix. In the vast majority of relationships, The longer two people have been together, the more stubborn they are about insisting that their hallucinations about their partner are absolute truth.
Imagine this. If you were to launch a rocket ship at the moon, if it didn't have a capable computer that was making constant little corrections, and it were just one tenth of one degree off in its aim, it would end up thousands of miles off target.
To use another, much more common image, think about driving your car on the highway. Imagine that you are on an extremely straight highway (say, I-70 through Kansas). Could you just aim the car and strap a rope to the steering wheel and go take a nap in the back seat? Of course not. Even on an extremely straight road, you have to constantly be making little adjustments, right? (And NO relationships are "straight roads" as you know -- they are just chock full of bumps and swerves and ups and downs!).
And you have to be pretty relaxed to drive well and keep open to those constant adjustments, not resisting them or insisting that you are right when you are going off the road! Yet that's exactly what happens in most relationships. People make up their minds and just strap down their "steering wheel" -- their thoughts, feelings, imagination and ideas about themselves, their partners and marriages -- and seem not to care if they run off the road.
The amazing thing is that the majority of people are totally dedicated to being right far above their desire to have a great relationship.
You have to be ready and willing to be wrong, wrong, wrong. Most people are happy to trash their entire life just to keep their fool heads focused on the position that they are right, right, right.
This kind of stubbornness will destroy relationships. You'll never be ready for a great relationship unless you are ready to be wrong, wrong, wrong!
That is, unless you are ready to have a truly open mind, and recognize that all of the conclusions you have about your partner over the time you've been together could be sheer hallucinations!
Gals, do you sometimes feel that the only way you can really get close to your guy is to gulp down booze while you cuddle up to him on the sofa and watch sports on TV? Guys, do you envision a room full of perfumed candles, sentimental music, and hours of effort as the only way to get your gal in the mood?
Guess what?
Many guys don't really care all that much about sports. They watch the big game (and enjoy it), but sometimes their sports interest is sparked by boredom or a quest for subject matter to discuss with the guys at work. They would rather go to a museum opening or on a wine-tasting tour. (Remember 'Frasier'?) Some men are invigorated by a debate or an argument with an intelligent woman - followed by a particularly ardent reconciliation afterwards.
Many women nowadays are actually so busy (and tired) that they don't want to spend hours being romanced. They may be particularly receptive to seemingly mild love scenes during a TV program - or a thoughtful gesture, like her guy remembering the anniversary of their first kiss with a single rose.
You can't peghole anyone. We are all different.
While planning a romantic getaway together, you and your partner should be prepared to make some concessions to the other person's likes and dislikes. It is highly unlikely that you will agree on everything.
If one of you likes camping, but the other doesn't, perhaps a backpacking trip would be ideal. You can spend days in the great outdoors - and nights in a romantic cabin with strawberries and chocolate sauce in the refrigerator, truffles on the bed, and heated Jacuzzi on the back deck. Relax in front of a real fireplace while you feed one another strawberries. You can practice your massage skills in the Jacuzzi by soothing those tired hiking muscles.
If you are flying to Vegas because one of you likes gambling, plan to tour the M+M and Coca Cola factories. Travel the show circuit and watch fantastic entertainers like Cirque du Soleil, famous singers, and extraordinary magic acts. Perhaps spend an evening strolling hand-in-hand down the strip, gazing at the lights and hotels along the way.
The locale of a romantic getaway is not nearly as important as the company and ambiance. Treat one another with love and respect before, during, and after your getaway. Don't be afraid to show a bit of affection in public - perhaps holding hands, whispering sweet nothings to one another, and silently mouthing 'I love you' from across the table during supper. Order one dessert and two forks or one milkshake with two straws. Talk about something that won't provoke a disagreement. Avoid topics like work, relatives, kids (if you have them), and household renovations.
Every romantic getaway is a product of thoughtful planning and respect for your partner's desires. It is not a place or an activity, but a state of mind that can continue into every day of the year.
?Copyright Kathy Steinemann: This article is free to publish only if this copyright notice, the byline, and the author's note below (with active links) are included.
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