The seven year itch originally referred to a contagious skin condition that lasted for seven years, later being used to express irritation over any long lasting annoyance, then being used to express the preponderance for infidelity after seven years of marriage. These days, 'the itch' is used to cover any amount of time or any situation where a person feels compelled to change their circumstances.

The middle aged spread is, technically, a medical phenomenon when we reach a time in our lives where our metabolism slows down but our appetite doesn't decrease to match it. On top of that we have become 'comfortable' with our lives and partners and have become complacent about our health and level of exercise. This leads to a general paunch around the midriff, making us 'cuddly'.

The mid-life crisis, however, is something entirely different and much harder to avoid. Sensing the passing of time, seeing dissatisfaction in our lives and in a desperate bid to fulfil all the things we have ever wanted to do, it gets us all in one form or another. A mid-life crisis knows no boundaries concerning marital status or wealth. Some suffer depression, some run off with new partners young enough to be their kids and some just settle for a change of career path.

The typical signification that a man is going through a mid-life crisis is a shiny new car in the driveway - very often a Porsche or Ferrari. Feeling low about himself and his achievements, he splashes out on a status symbol to prove to others he is the success that he doesn't actually feel. Sunday mornings spent polishing this new baby will soon wane when he realises that, yes, this life is all there is so he may as well just get on with it and enjoy what he has.

Now a woman's mid life crisis is an entirely different kettle of fish. Typically hitting at the age of 44, she will feel compelled to make changes that encompass the ripping out of an entirely adequate kitchen and replacing it with glossy black worktops, butler sinks and a contemporary kitchen that will defy any man.

However much we like to think we are liberated, the kitchen always has and always will be, the domain of women. Contemporary kitchens are built with women in mind, worktops are placed at a standard height allowing for the general build of women and despite modern ideas, the majority of media advertising for cleaning products is aimed at women.

So a warning to all you married men out there; when your wife turns forty, start saving because it's going to happen. Do not suppose you can supersede the forces of nature. At the turning point of 44, no matter how great your kitchen is, that spanking new shiny contemporary kitchen is coming at your expense.

Electrical appliances that make your morning coffee, bake your bread, wash dishes, wash clothes, open bottles, open cans, cool, mix, blend, fry, bake, toast and nuke your food will be turning up on your doorstep at a rate that's going to severely hold up everybody else's postal service.

You will come home to find your wife in a state of delirium if the granite worktop hasn't been cut by the manufacturers to fit exactly around the built in contemporary kitchen units and god forbid if everything isn't fitting flush!

You will, at least, have the satisfaction of seeing the euphoria on your wife's face when all is fitted to perfection and a coffee morning is carried off without a hitch to show off the new contemporary kitchen. Take advantage of the good mood.

A tip for all you husbands - go against nature and seek out the instruction manuals for all electrical appliances. Study hard and learn well. For when this is all over the menopause is just around the corner. You will need the kitchen know how to help your wife when you come home to find the dinner on fire and her gazing out of the window trying to remember her own name.

You will also need to keep all guarantees for electrical appliances when a menopause blip has caused her to lose her mind and stick sharp objects into the toaster or oven when she's on one of those cleaning frenzies - yes, you know the ones I mean. Do not say you haven't been warned.