Frequently, siblings of children with special needs have different responsibilities and expectations than their peers. This is most true for older sisters. Often, these sisters are expected to assume a maternal role, possibly lasting a lifetime. While there is scant research on siblings, some researchers have questioned whether this additional responsibility is harmful to the emotional well-being of brothers and sisters.

As a sibling to a person with an autistic spectrum disorder, the challenges I faced were great, but over time I began to see the rewards. The following tips can ease some of the challenges for your children and provide greater strength for your family as a whole.

Provide Respite: Just as you need time away to be a better parent, children need time away to be better siblings. While I was usually able to create my own respite through friends, if your child is particularly shy, it might take some effort to find out what kind of break would be beneficial. Perhaps she would like some 1-1 time with a parent. Maybe she would like a special place to draw, read or just be alone. Please remember that respite is in the eye of your child. Do not coerce your child into doing an activity just so they have time away.

Develop a Positive Relationship with Each of Your Children: Every parent with more than one child hopes that their children grow up supportive and loving of one another. This is a wonderful goal that I share. It is also important to realize as our children develop a sense of self, they may discover that they do not share many interests with their siblings. They may grow up respecting each other, but not particularly eager to spend a lot of time with each other.

Your goal is to develop healthy relationships with each of your children, so that they feel valued and important. It would be a tragedy for your children to grow up feeling as though their needs were ignored, and find blame with you.

Develop Effective Communication: Effective communication is critical for the family with a child with special needs. Assumptions about what others want or need can inhibit the free flow of communication. Perhaps the best piece of advice is to ask sincerely and listen with an open mind.

Assume Parental Responsibility: Just like the captain of a ship, you are ultimately responsible for everything that happens to your children. Older siblings, especially sisters, often assume more than their charge for the child with special needs. It’s unfair to place so much responsibility on children that they lose the opportunity to fully establish their own self-identity.

In the end, despite the difficulties of being a brother to a person with special needs, I learned the goodness of humanity. While I questioned the motives of those who reached out to my brother, I found that many people were able to see his strengths and contribution to the world. In turn, I have been challenged question my assumptions, and see the best in others.