Children suffering from Separation Anxiety often want to sleep in their parents? beds. This may be the child's way of reassuring himself that nothing will happen to Mom or Dad during the night. While this can be endearing at first, it can eventually grow into a problem. There are many parents who now have children that refuse to sleep in their own beds. As you can imagine, this brings about several undesired consequences, not the least of which is not having your bed to yourself.
If you have already found yourself in this position, it is time to do something about it. Getting your child to sleep in his or her own bed can be a challenge, but the benefits for both you and the child make it worthwhile. Refusal to let the child sleep with you will probably result in a flood of tears and possibly some real tantrums, so you must be prepared and have a strong resolve. Our babies? cries tear at our hearts, but keep in mind the fact that you are doing this for the good of the child (and the rest of the family).
How do you get your child to move out of your bed? The first step is to make it exciting. Perhaps take him shopping for a new nightlight, as waking up alone in the dark can genuinely be frightening. One of the best ways of combating Separation Anxiety is to create routines, and bedtime is no exception. In fact, it is one of the most important routines to set. Perhaps your routine will involve a bath followed by a story in the child's bed. When you have finished, kiss him goodnight and let him know you will be there in the morning before leaving the room. You must resist the urge to give in to repeated requests for water, more kisses, etc., and if your child gets up, you must firmly insist that he return to bed. This is not the time to return and tuck him in all over again.
Some children will go to extraordinary lengths to try and break your will. Of course, they don't do this on purpose?although sometimes it seems like they do! Your child may cry for several hours or even make it through the night without sleeping. If this is the case, do your best to stick to your normal routine the next day, and he will eventually become quite tired at bedtime. If he develops a severe case of insomnia, however, you may need to speak with a therapist. Some children will also cry until they literally vomit. In this case, you should clean up the mess and return the child to bed. Such a reaction may go on for a period of time, but it will dissipate. You do not want to rebuke the child for this physical reaction, but you also should not offer lots of sympathy; as that can encourage such a response to being put in his own bed.
The most difficult aspect of getting your child to sleep in his own bed is also the most difficult, and that is not giving in to the cries and pleas. It may be necessary to sit outside your child's door for a while so he can see you, and that is o.k., but responding to the cries and tantrums is not. In fact, giving in once is going to set your progress back, possibly to the beginning. If he keeps getting out of bed, you may have to lower your voice, crouch to his level and reinforce your command to return to bed. It is difficult to see your child distressed this way, but in the long run, he will become happier and more independent.
When your child wakes the next morning, be sure to point out that you are still in the home, just as you promised you would be. This is fundamental to most aspects of teaching children to move past their Separation Anxiety. When you leave for the grocery store, for example, tell him ?goodbye? and let him know you will be back soon. When you do return, point out that you did just as you said you would. The idea is to reinforce for the child that nothing bad is going to happen to you while you are out of his presence. That includes during the sleeping hours of the night!
Separation Anxiety is hard on the child and hard on the parent. While some amount of it is to be expected, there are a few things parents can do to lessen the stress. Of course, we talked a little about transitional objects. Children are often comforted during the parents? absence when they have an item from home to keep with them. This is where the security blanket might come into play. Perhaps you remember being especially attached to a teddy bear or other stuffed animal as a child. Chances are, this fluffy creature or fuzzy blanket acted as your transitional object.
Shortening the length of the goodbye can also be key in lessening Separation Anxiety. Be sure to have all of your child's necessities packed in one place so that you can hand them over to the caregiver and make your exit. It is important to say goodbye to the child, however. Sometimes it seems like sneaking out the door is the easiest way to avoid a scene, but it will only add to the child's sense of distrust about you leaving. Having everything gathered together makes it easier to leave without having to keep returning to drop off items from the car and thus drawing out the inevitable. If you are leaving the child with a caregiver at your own home, resist the urge to return to the house, even if you can hear your little one crying. It generally takes a few minutes for kids to calm down, and every time to return, you are increasing that duration.
Anticipation of a separation can also increase the child's anxiety, so it's best not to discuss it too much ahead of time. It may be helpful, however, to practice separating so the child becomes accustomed to the act. Set up a time with a friend or family member when you can drop the child off for short periods of time. Try leaving your child there for 15 minutes or so, and then return and point out that you did as you said you would. Gradually increase the time you are gone, remembering to always say ?goodbye? before you leave and to make note of your return. It is best to return while the child is awake, too, so he is aware that you are safe before trying to go to sleep.
You can also decrease our child's anxiety by making the situation less novel. This suggestion is less for parents who deal with Separation Anxiety each day when dropping the child off at the same daycare, and more for those whose children become clingy in new situations. If you are planning to drop your child off at a new daycare or school, it can be extremely helpful to do a little reconnaissance first. Ask the caregivers for names of other families at that daycare or school and look into setting up play dates before the big event. Then you can take your child to the new environment, and he will already know someone there. You can extend this by taking the child to the new place for a little tour for the both of you before his first day. Talk about all the fun things you saw and the child will experience when he returns to spend time on his own.
Finally, children often respond to separation as their parents do. If you find leaving your child to be traumatic, don't let on. Be brave and avoid letting him see you cry. The same is true upon your return. It is great to hug the child and tell him how happy you are to see him, but getting overly emotional will just reinforce the child's idea that separation is difficult. For the majority of children, this phase will pass with time, but there are ways to lessen the effects. As with so many aspects of parenting, your strength will likely be the factor that teaches your child the proper response to separation.
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