He is ashamed on one level. On another level, it seems the most natural thing in the world. He's always looked at bodies. He has always had fantasies, and he can now see pictures and films just like them on the internet. His friends do it. The guys in the locker room talk about it. What's so wrong with it?
This situation occurs with surprising frequency. Couples are angry and confused about what to do with it all and about what it really means. They feel terribly hurt and misunderstood. They'd like some answers instead of just blaming each other. So, here's some things to consider.
1. Any problem for a couple is a "team" problem. If one person hurts, the "team" has a problem. If one person is angry, then the "team" has a problem to resolve. It's not a competition where one wins and the other loses. It is about the "team" winning as a whole.
The pornagraphy issue is the same. The couple needs to find a way that meets the needs of both people, so that the team wins.
2. Men and women have very different training and understanding of sexuality. Women are raised to focus much more on the relational aspects, while men grew up learning to focus on the visual and physical experience, often to the exclusion of relationship.
In a culture that makes use of women's bodies to advertise and sell just about everything, women easily come to believe that they are only valued for their physical attractiveness. Many already feel ashamed of their bodies, believing they're supposed to be shaped like teenage boys. In their most intimate and important relationship they so desire to be loved and accepted for who they are, not what they look like. It comes as a very rude surprise to realize that their man seems to be just like all the others.
Men, take note. When your partner's dream bubble is burst in this fashion, you have to take action, or it is downhill from there.
As described above, men are trained to feel both guilty about pornography, and to accept it as the norm. They see it as a simple release mechanism, and not as cheating, betraying, or even having any real meaning at all. They are drawn to the relationality of their women, but often do not really understand it, let alone understand that pornography can damage it.
3. From a functional standpoint, here's the real problem with pornography: It seduces a man away from emotional intimacy with his partner. This doesn't have to be the case, but it occurs so often that I tend to assume it is happening until proven otherwise.
The seduction is one of easy avoidance. There is no relationship to take care of or nurture. One doesn't have to live with the complaints or even the mistaken dreams of the fantasy figures. Worse still, the images are ever changing, ever titilating. Life at home with the same woman, the same old positions, and the same old timing can seem rather mundane.
The problem with pornography is that men do not learn to develop the ability to be highly stimulated by deep emotional intimacy with their one, special partner.
A successful team helps both partners learn to be intensely intimate with one another, and then intensely stimulated sexually. Pornagraphy offers the stimulation while avoiding the real reward of intimate closeness in the relationship.
So, how do such couples handle this dilemma? At their best they use it as a vehicle to move them to an ever deeper level of contact with each other. They move past blaming and misunderstanding to acceptance of the other's gender and training. They come up with behavior that works for both of them and that they can both agree to and live with.
Ultimately, it can be a journey of emotional intimacy that ends up being one huge "turn on."
Remember the early days of your dating relationship? What a time you both had. It seemed like every moment you got together it was music, fun and excitement. Some of your family and friends even hated to see you coming because the two of you were so into each other it made people nauseous. You are probably right when you say they were just jealous. And guess what? Neither one of you could have cared less. The relationship was fresh, spontaneous and exhilarating.
And then it happened. You cannot quite put your finger on when exactly it took place but it happened. Whether it occurred sometime after you got married or six months into your dating relationship is inconsequential. All you know is the music, fun and excitement went on permanent vacation. What took their place? The routine.
One of the mains reasons many couples get blind sided by the routine is the seduction of familiarity. You naturally want to become well acquainted with the other person in the hopes that it leads to greater intimacy between the two of you. That is the point of relationships. Unfortunately, familiarity also inspires a certain amount of self-satisfaction. In other words consciously or unconsciously, many couples tell themselves the prize has been won so there is no need to continue the game.
While some people do not consider this a big deal, in essence it is a planted seed that can spell trouble somewhere down the road. It is only a hop, skip and a jump from familiarity to routine to dissatisfaction.
Now there is no question that your relationship is going to have certain amount of routine due, in some part to circumstances beyond your control; for instance your work schedules may only allow the two of you to get together on specific days and times. However there are things you can do to keep the relationship fresh:
1. The Thrill of the Impulsive When your relationship was just starting out, spontaneity ruled. The two of you did not even think twice about hopping into a car and going to places you had never been or trying out a new restaurant with food you never heard of. There was something thrilling and wonderful about not knowing what you were getting into yet still having the courage to explore anyway.
Routine tells you to be rational and self conscious. What if people are looking or you run into someone you both know? The answer is "who cares?" Sure being spontaneous may not work out every time but do it anyway and go with the flow. Unplanned adventures big or little have a way of adding excitement and in many cases some serious laughs to the relationship which is very healthy and great way to reconnect.
2. It is Not Your Birthday Or anniversary or any other major routine event but do not let that stop you from buying small gifts for each other. In fact you can just as easily create your own special days. It could be the anniversary of your third date or the time you both laughed through the worst movie you ever saw. Occasionally giving a small gift for no particular reason lets the other person know that they are always in your heart.
3. Date Again Not just going out to dinner either because that also can become routine. Instead plan a time outside of your normal schedules and treat it like you did during the early days of the relationship. Get yourselves spruced up. Go at it with the mindset that you are making every effort to make a good impression. Having a special time together at least once a week can throw a beautiful monkey wrench into the routine machine. .
It is nothing out of the ordinary for a relationship to lose some of its zing over time. The problem comes when couples accept the routine as normal and do not do anything to restore the excitement and unpredictability they once had. You can always reverse the process by being spontaneous, give small gifts for no reason other than to let the other person know you love them and start dating again like it is the first time. This all requires constant effort but the payoff of an exciting relationship is well worth it.
Both Steve Roberts & Daryl Campbell are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Steve Roberts has sinced written about articles on various topics from Marriage, Dating and Romance and Dating and Romance. Steve Roberts is an experienced Marriage and Family Therapist who shares tips and real life relationship secrets from over 20 years of practice. Get Insight and Wisdom for your Relationships at: www.WhatWorksForCouples.com. Steve Roberts's top article generates over 22200 views. to your Favourites.
Daryl Campbell has sinced written about articles on various topics from Blog Traffic, First Date and Email Marketing. Daryl Campbell invites you to get tons of relationship and dating tips, tools, videos, up to the minute information as well as a free copy of 101 Romantic Ideas. It's all at . Daryl Campbell's top article generates over 450000 views. to your Favourites.