We are always communicating. Whether it is a sullen slump, a gleeful shout, or an angry retort, we're always communicating the state of our being and our response to the other. We just don't always like what is being communicated.
So, let's be clear. We want the communication messages to change from what we're getting. We want appreciation, not condemnation. We want acceptance and understanding, not rejection and rigid opinions.
How do we make this change?
1. It starts with our personal choice to not be reactive. We choose to hold our tongue long enough to consider what we're going to say before we say it. (Yeah, this is a really tough one for many of us.)
2. Now that we are containing that automatic reaction, we choose to transform any kind of criticism and anger from our partner into an understanding of the underlying hurt and the lack of ability to transcend it. (Wow. This is a really tough one, too!)
3. We empathize and listen. "If you're looking at it like that, you must feel really hurt and frustrated. That wasn't my intention. Can you tell me some more about how you're looking at it?"
4. We're reaching a critical point. If the above step is successful then some understanding and softening is starting to occur. Now we can actually suggest that we feel hurt and upset, as well, and we'd like to be able to express it.
However, if our partner just cranks up the feelings in response to our empathy there may still be no opening to be heard. If this is the case it is time to take a time out and try again later. Why keep trying to make a partner listen when it isn't going to happen?
5. When there is some mutual empathy and listening occurring we still need to be careful. Those old reactions are lurking just beneath the surface, and the right trigger will once again unleash them, either in us, or in our partner. So, beware!
It takes a lot of this good empathic, listening behavior to create a new relational habit. And even then, the right trigger can send us backward. So, it is always a work in progress.
Assignment:
This week determine to contain your reactions. Shut your mouth and breath! Then, if you can, suggest to yourself that the issue is not about fairness, but about you and your partner both feeling hurt and reactive. Your job is to start the process of empathizing with that hurt and listening as best you can.
There's no guarantee that it will help, but at least it's better than what you've been trying!
The ideal situation is of course for every partner to remain true to the one they vowed to cherish. The reality is that cheating is as old as time and is not going anywhere. Whether they feel they are stuck in a loveless relationship, find themselves attracted to someone new or just the thrill of doing something that is a bit reckless is beside the point. The fact is you have strong suspicions that your partner is out tomcatting around.
You may have mixed feelings about finding out. Why? Because it feels weird spying on someone you care about. However, after careful consideration you have made the decision that you want to know. So how do you go about it?
1. Ask questions
You want to do this without turning into Perry Mason; in other words do not be obvious. The point is to see if there are any inconsistencies in what they are telling you. Little white lies have a startling way of exposing major problems. This will require you to pick and choose different time frames to ask seemingly innocuous questions. Cheating and not getting caught takes a certain amount of cleverness so you must do the same in your line of questioning.
2. Attention to Detail
Your partner says they are going to some fast food joint to get something to eat. No problem, except they have been gone for two hours and the restaurant is only twenty minutes from the house. They tell you they sat down to eat, traffic was heavy or they ran into an old friend. Again, do not be afraid to ask questions and take note of their body language.
Sometimes you do not have to say anything. Attention to detail can also include checking the phone bill or bank statements for anything out of the ordinary. How is the credit card looking? Suspicious charges are good indicators.
It should be noted that if you are using a phone bill to investigate be careful. Seeing a number that you do not recognize may have your emotions racing ahead of you. Calling that number in a panic only to find out it belongs to a relative can put you in a pretty awkward situation. If it is someone your partner is having an affair with, try to remain calm. Sometimes the other person has no idea that they have become involved with someone who is already in a relationship. If your partner is deceiving you than the chances are pretty good they are pulling the same con on someone else.
3. The Gumshoe
You want to know what's going on but don't have the stomach (understandable) to do your own investigation. This is where the private investigator comes in. Unlike T.V. where the investigator gets into all kinds of far fetched adventures, catching a cheating spouse or partner is how many of them make a living; and business is always good. Private eyes can be expensive but keep in mind they have the resources and experience to give you a definite yes or no on whether your partner is cheating.
You sure hope your suspicions are wrong but there is no getting around the fact that you want to know whether your partner is cheating. You can investigate yourself or hire a professional but either way you must prepare yourself for the answers and that includes one which could put an end to your relationship. It is a nasty business but it is much better to find out sooner rather than later.
Both Steve Roberts & D.w Campbell are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Steve Roberts has sinced written about articles on various topics from Marriage, Dating and Romance and Dating and Romance. Steve Roberts, "The Couples Guy," is an experienced Marriage and Family Therapistwho shares tips and from over20 years of practice. Steve Roberts's top article generates over 22200 views. to your Favourites.