Even when married it isn't always easy to be the best of mentors for the children, so you can imagine that it doesn't get any easier if and when parents split up. Alas, it can be considered even more of a challenge when you need to "sleep with the enemy", metaphorically speaking, of course. As in any relationship, children should come first, and for their sakes parents, married or not, need to agree on certain guidelines for the future upbringing of their offspring. Adopting an attitude of indifference or playing the injured party in a pending divorce just doesn't wash, and it will have dire consequences for all concerned further down the road, if that's the way one parent chose to go. Kids of today, and not just teenagers, catch on quick and if they sense a split in the parental ranks, as far as rules are concerned, they will pick the rules that will benefit them most. This will be possible, because you will have handed them the opportunity on a silver platter and you both will lose control. The real loser will be a disturbed child, or children.

In reality, you and your ex spouse aren't going to agree on all the rules for the children in both households. That is a war that very few people will ever win. Yet you can do your part by attempting to come to a compromise on those that are very important for you as well as for the well being of your children. It is a good idea to write down the rules so that everyone knows what it to be expected.

For example you may find that you really do want to establish a set rule relating to bed time at both homes. This way your children will be in a set routine and it is easier for them to adjust to the various changes that take place when they move from one home to the next. However, you may decide that you don't let the kids have food in their rooms at home but your ex spouse does. That is a rule that can be different for each household.

In defense of both parents, it has to be said that is generally impossible to make a set of rules that can be carved in stone and strictly adhered to at the best of times, never mind when the rules have to be enforced, or lived by in various locations. So what's the answer? Be flexible. Contrary to the saying, "What's good for the goose, is good for the gander" this kind of situation, is an exception to most rules. The best way is to have agreed rules for both households, and some rules that are only valid at "dad's place" and the same again for when the kids are living with mom. By having the address related rules, this stops the children finding loopholes in any common agreed rules and using it to their own advantage, which will inevitably seem like they favor one parent more than the other. This would probably escalate into a power struggle between both parents - exactly what we want to avoid, while we have the child's best interest at heart.

The rules that are established for both households aren't going to be set in stone. There may come a time when some of them need to be re-evaluated. If you are able to communicate well with your ex spouse schedule a time for the two of you to discuss it. Once you have come to some conclusions you can discuss the results with the children. It is best if you can do this together though. They will be more receptive to a united front then if only one parent is approaching them about the rule changes.

Naturally some rules, especially the address related rules, will benefit your child more than others. This is definitely not a bad thing and it's just the way things turn out sometimes. The important thing is that your child thrives and is happy in his or her new environment. Stay alert without being excessively maternal and notice any change in your child's behaviour, his mood, his friends, his school or college grades, anything at all that may give you cause for concern as to how he is affected by the changes in his life.

Too many parents tend to feel so bad that their children are in the middle of the divorce that they become extremely lenient. They don't set boundaries as they don't want to upset their children. They also don't want to be looked at as the Mean One as compared to the other parent. Yet children do crave boundaries and rules even if they won't tell you so.

It can be tempting to quickly adjust a rule or two to better suit your circumstances, but don't even go there. You may think that what you do here does not concern your ex-spouse, but think about it for a moment. Didn't your former partner have to enter a truce and make an agreement with you in the first place? Arguably, it could be asked why bother making the agreement if you take it upon yourself to change it at will? That makes a good argument, by anyone's standards and it is probably what your reward will be.... one hell of an argument at that. But, that is not the predominate factor of this warning - the point is your child will witness this and pick up on it. What generally happens is that the child will automatically believe it is entirely his fault and that is the sad part. Deplorable is probably a better word to use, because this could trigger the start of a very long, downward spiral. Agree with the other parent, at the beginning that any and all changes are to be made together, no matter how trivial they are. Your kids will respect you both just as much as always, probably even more so.

Establishing very clear rules for children when you are divorced is a very important part of keeping everyone happy. If you fail to see the importance of this though you will find there are conflicts that continue to come into play over and over again. Don't let a power struggle result from them.