An ancient Jewish proverb says, "God couldn’t be everywhere, so he created mothers." Whether religious or not, any mother can truly attest that hundreds of years later, these words seem just as wise today, which can sometimes prove as much of a blessing as it is a curse. Once a woman becomes a mother, she is in fact wanted, needed, and longed for in a way that is at once relentless and heartwarming, albeit lovingly, but in a way never imagined or perhaps even wished or hoped for.
Before we become mothers, we are more often than not already attempting to care take the world around us, including significant others, parents, friends, siblings, even mere acquaintances. We feel responsible not only for succeeding in our professional pursuits and acts of social justice and personal conscience, but also in the emotional well-being of nearly everyone around us, often hindering our own well-being and sense of self in the process.
Yet, as women, this is ironically what often gives us the very sense of self we so crave, being strong, nurturing, loving and fearless, able to conquer both a 5 p.m. deadline and soothe a broken heart in a day’s work.
But nothing quite prepares a woman or those around her for the profoundly unique changes that motherhood brings. After becoming a mother, women change in nearly every way possible, physically, mentally and spiritually. Her insights, rate of personal growth and priorities all take on different challenges and meaning, and women often feel uneasy about how to resume their other relationships once they have experienced childbirth and child-love.
In addition, mothers face so many new pressures that it is difficult to maintain the same closeness with loved ones once the newest loves of our lives are born. When these babes look upon us with total dependency that takes over every nurturing bone in our bodies, it is easy and even natural to forget about everything else in the world, even ourselves.
Daniel N. Stern and Nadia Bruschweiler-Stern, authors of "The Birth of A Mother: How the Motherhood Experience Changes You Forever," described the motherhood mindset as "a deep, personal transformation that changes the new mother's sense of herself."
And in her book "Reviving Ophelia," author Mary Pipher writes: "Western civilization has a history of upholding unrealistic expectations about mothers. They are held responsible for their children's happiness and for the social and emotional well being of families. Mothers are either idealized . . . or bashed in fairytales and modern American novels. We all think of our mothers with what Freud called primary process thought, the thinking style of young children. We have trouble growing up enough to see our mothers as people."
"When a mother feels appreciated, her children benefit," writes Dr.Gayle Peterson, MSSW, LCSW, PhD, a family therapist specializing in prenatal and family development, and author of "Making Healthy Families." "Women can best serve their children by being human, and showing and sharing vulnerabilities appropriately with other family members allows children to see their mothers as people with their own needs and frustrations, who also nurture and love them."
Peterson said that it is true that when a woman becomes a mother, it is tempting to completely forget about her own development. "To many women, the idea of lowering expectations, but maintaining them is a novel idea, one they are initially resistant to embrace. However, finding a middle ground is essential. It is not necessary to completely sacrifice yourself, although compromise is, of course, an inevitable and natural part of parenthood," said Peterson.
Karen Johnson, author of "Trusting Ourselves" writes, "Women need to take charge of the definition of motherhood . . . to question the source of burdensome and unrealistic expectations of their own mothers as well as similar expectations of themselves. There must be room to be a whole person-not simply a stereotype."
Family and marriage experts say that while all relationships change when women become mothers, that of husband and wife is perhaps the one most in need of fine-tuning. Those passionate embraces that once lasted into morning are undoubtedly replaced by a tiny helpless being, literally and physically a part of the two of you and in between you for life.
Paula, a stay-at-mom of four lamented, "As soon as my pregnancy began to dramatically take appearance and my husband attempted to hug me, he said, "Look honey, the baby is already coming between us."
Paige, mother of four-year-old Bradley and 21-month-old Katelyn says the biggest challenge of motherhood is staying intimate with her husband. "We're both tired and so tapped out emotionally and physically by the end of the day that we basically just want to hit the pillow." She says they have made it a point now to have a night out together about once a month and have been “getting to know each other again."
Erica, whose son, Ethan is seven months old, said that becoming a mother has made her more appreciative of her husband. "I always knew I married the coolest guy in the world, but the birth of our son gave me a new perspective on things," she said. "Our son had colic for the first 5-months and my husband was always able to help him calm down. The bad part is it is very hard to find time to reconnect as a couple."
While many women find their marriages facing new challenges after the birth of their first child, the subject of self-identity entwined with past career paths always hits a strong chord. Some feel total bliss spending time with their infants while others find it difficult to make the transition out of the boardroom with adults and into playrooms with their children.
While some women are ambivalent, others are joyous; while some can't wait to return to work, others look at their at-home mothering as a well-intentioned break from their careers. Either way, many new mothers say it is one of the most difficult transitions they undergo, especially if her career held a deep significance before the birth of her first child.
"Before my son, my life was my career," Dana, mother of three and a half-year-old Grant and the expectant mommy of a baby girl, said. "I worked long hours at my job and then brought work home. I was on the fast track and wanted to continue moving up the ladder as fast as I could. Two days after I came home from the hospital my boss called wanting help; I always knew the company wasn't family-friendly and this just proved that point. I realized with such clarity that I could care less about any of the issues she wanted to discuss. My former life was just that, my former life."
As women struggle with former identities once primarily defined by working out of the house and move into their new ones as working in the home, their relationships within themselves surely change as well. Women often find that their priorities not only change, but that they discover new ones, those of spirituality, personal growth and stronger needs for self-realization.
"While watching my son grow over the past three years I have had more instances of self reflection,"Dana said. "I have noticed that I read more for pleasure as well as for information. I figure if my son is learning new things I should be doing the same and I have done so through reading. I make a conscience effort to set a good example for him."
"I take time to work out and read something spiritual before I go to bed to make sure I'm taking care of all parts of myself," Paige, a mother of two said.
Paige laments that one of the biggest challenges she has had since the birth of her children is when she goes out without them. "I feel almost like a fish out of water," she said. "I question who I am and what I have to contribute, and I find that my identity has transferred from what I used to do in my career to who I am now as a mother in the world."
Paige said she sometimes feels strange and just wants to scream out, "Hey, quit looking at me like I'm nothing. I'm important, I'm a mother."
"I feel confident in knowing that I'm important in myself, it's just that sometimes when I'm with others who don't know I'm a mother and ask me questions as if to say "What else do you do?"
"I truly believe that I am the same person, just with a change in priorities," Christi, mommy of 16-momth-old Stephen said. "I have learned how my parents felt, only something a parent can know- how deep a love can run for a child, how moving the smallest triumph. Each child is a miracle given to us to love and care for, to nurture and guide. These are things I always knew, but now I understand."
Dr. Gayle Peterson, Ph.D., in an article entitled, When Women Become Mothers, wrote: "As the years passed and my two children grew towards adulthood, I grappled with the balance between my needs and theirs, my relationship to my husband, my career and so on. And I learned about the way others see mothers in the world, and the unconscious expectation for women who are mothers to nurture others, to cooperate, and in general to defer to others' needs."
But of all the relationships that shift, change, cease and grow when women become mothers, no bond can outweigh the truly phenomenal and deepest of relationships- that of mother and child, the very reason for this article in the first place, and for so many centuries of profound thought and deep awakening.
While husbands become the fathers and warriors keeping watch over our vulnerable babes rather than our fleeting knights in shining armor; and our own mothers now almost overnight in our eyes become incredibly strong saints to be cherished for every word and past and present deed; and while career goals and life goals all suddenly hold different meaning; these relationships change because we have a new relationship . . . that of with our children.
Mark Twain aptly noted, "My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it." Yes, it is true that we do enjoy the joys and even at times the troubles that come with of motherhood. But alas, even though our hearts ache to wait on every last peep, cry, giggle and breath that comes forth from our babies, there are those times when we surely yearn for our other loves and passions as well. Our newfound motherhood awakens us to mother ourselves in a new way, taking care to care for our new lives that are now so much richer and so much more profound.

SIDEBAR: E
Excerpt from book about Mothering by well-known Jungian Psychologist and author Naomi Lowinsky
"Before that birth I was quite another person. I had been an intellectual maiden curled up in a chair reading T.S. Eliot and asking Prufrock’s question: “Do I dare/ Disturb the universe?" Could I write great poetry? Could I be original? The everyday miracle of birth changed my orientation in life. Like every other mother in the world, I had dared to pass through the dark gate; I had dared to bear new life. A baby was born, with ten tiny toes and a sweet little face. He was asleep now in the garden under the shade of an old elm tree. An intellectual maiden died and a woman, his mother, was emerging into life. I knew in my body the sacred connection of all human life to the female body. I had not disturbed the universe. The universe had moved through me. I was a part of everything that was alive. I had carnal knowledge of my own female nature. It would take me a generation to find words to express what I knew then.
Taken from “Stories from the Motherline, Reclaiming the Mother-Daughter Bond, Finding Our Feminine Souls," by Naomi Ruth Lowinsky, Ph. D.