Demanding behavior -- from the time a child is about two to four a parentcan usually expect to experience it. Occasionally children test limits in theirattempts to separate from their parents as individuals, with preferences andideas of their own. Parents should not, however, excuse such behavior as only apassing stage. A parent's response to such bossiness may determine how long andhow intense these battles last.

I've had many discussions with parents, individually and through theparenting classes and mother-at-home support groups I lead. I find many parentswho are concerned about how to handle this behavior in their own child. I alsoheard many parents express concern about some of the problems that arose whenthe parent of a child's playmate did not attend to this type of behavior. Itstarted affecting their child's behavior and the adult's relationship with theother parent.

In an effort to reach some of the parents involved in this conflict, Icombined what I learned through these discussions and my consultations with"the experts" via literature. I came to a better understanding aboutthis common, irritating behavior and was able to suggest several ways forparents to approach a bossy child.

A CASE IN POINT

When I was working as a protective service caseworker, I made a home visitto a family with a four-year-old boy named David. David's mother was frequentlydespondent, on medication for depression, and very passive. His father wasoften absent, slightly mentally retarded, and tended to physically punish (butnot abuse) David.

David was a difficult to manage child but he mostly exhibited his demandingbehavior and tantrums at home with his parents. At his grandparents, who caredfor him frequently, David's behavior was more acceptable. It was obvious thatDavid was in control of his parents. When David didn't get what he wanted, hewould become so out of control his mother would eventually give in. Althoughshe complained about David's behavior, she said it was too hard to stand up tohim. When she had tried to change her parenting approach David becamedestructive and defiant. When his mother tried to talk Davie out of his tantrums, his behaviorbecame even more drastic. I observed him throwing and breaking things, yelling,and even urinating on the carpet to illustrate his protests and get his ownway.

David's example is extreme, but illustrates how passive pleading rewardedhis demanding behavior. Many parents would say David was a spoiled brat whoneeded a good spanking -- which his father tried, but it only made David's bidsfor control increase. Others could probably see that a child like David --raised with inconsistent structure, guidelines, or consequences -- can becomedetermined to do whatever it takes to get more attention and control.

David's case is clear evidence of what can happen when parents don't setlimits on a child's demands. These parents were unable (due to physicalproblems and lack of skills) to give David the structure he needed. I've oftenwondered (and shuddered to imagine) what David will be like when he gets olderand becomes more involved with peers and adults in the real world, wherechoices and consequences are the law of the land and people do not give in tohim like his parents did.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

Until a child is about two years old, parents can respond to a child'semotional outbursts through distractions, reflective listening, and helping thechild identify his/her feelings. Helping a child work through frustrations orwalking away from a tantrum often results in an end to these outbursts.Demanding behavior can be an older child's way of testing limits, can take manyforms, and often comes on with little or no apparent reason.

There are actually some positive aspects to such strong-willed behavior inchildren. These children are often honest, speak up for themselves, and don'tlet others push them around. They do not often succumb to peer pressure and areleaders rather than followers. Most parents would agree that they do not wanttheir child blindly following orders from any adult who gives them. Keeping allthis in mind we, as parents, can help these children learn how to channel theirdetermination in a positive direction, rather than trying to break their will.

PARENTING STYLES

Even the most calm, easy-going parents can find themselves enraged andappalled when their child outwardly defies or challenges them. Many parentsthink to themselves, "My parents would never have allowed me totalk that way to them!" Many parents have conflicting feelings about howto respond to demanding behavior. They don't want to let their child get awaywith the behavior but also don't want to revert to some of the tactics theirparents might have used, such as physical force or a because-I-say-so approach.Neither of these strategies results in long-term benefits, changing thebehavior, or improving the parent-child relationship.

Physical force merely impresses the child with the importance of being incontrol and the child often uses this approach towards parents and peers later.Although the parent modeled this way of interacting, few recognize its role inperpetuating the power conflict.

The because-I-say-so approach often backfires, too. Children are in theprocess of developing logical thinking and when no logical reason is evident,they again interpret this strategy as an attempt to control them, thusescalating the power struggle.

At the other extreme, always giving a logical reason can lead to a parentgoing on and on with explanations. Children can capitalize on this by askingmore and more questions to sidestep the real issue of their original defiantbehavior. A parent should try to state their expectations only once or twicebefore following through.

If a parent interacts with his/her child courteously and with respect, theparent usually expects equal treatment from the child. Many parents strive forbalanced child-rearing but implement it in such a way that they respect theirchildren's rights but allow themselves to get walked on. That is not balanced,it is more often called permissive. At the other extreme is theover-controlling parent, who's uses power tactics to control the child butoften fails to acknowledge the child's feelings and preferences. In both casesthe parents are missing a prime opportunity for allowing the natural andlogical consequences of the situation to prevail.

A FRESH PERSPECTIVE

In most cases, parents can respond to demanding behavior by refusing torespond until the child's request is appropriate. What, you may be saying, ifthis approach is met with an even more demanding response, like a tantrum,yelling, or even destructive behavior? First of all, a parent can expectchildren to resist a change in parenting styles if the parent has allowedhimself/herself to be ordered around in the past to avoid a scene.

These parents are experiencing the consequences of inadvertently rewardingthe demanding behavior in the past. Now these parents are faced with whatappears to be a battle of wills. The How-long-can-you-hold-out-if-I-act-even-worsegame has begun. This sequence can lead into a demonstration of who has morepower and control between the two (and often it is the child).

For example, we've all probably been in a situation at home where we hear"Give me some milk!" Sometimes we blindly get the milk withoutattending to the demanding tone of voice. Often a simple reminder to ask nicelyis all the parent needs to say. However, a parent must be consistent for thechild to realize he does not get what he wants by ordering people around.Another common situation is a child changing his mind and expecting the parentto be at his beckoned call.

In the example of mealtimes, if a child chooses his meal and then changeshis mind and no longer wants it, the parent has every right to refuse to be ashort-order cook! At this point the child has several choices:

• He can eat what the parent fixed.
• The child can eat something different if he fixes it himself, which is a logical consequence. (Even a two- or three-year-old can fix some foods.)
• He can wait until the next meal and experience the natural consequence of hunger.
  
  If the child fusses about being hungry, the parent can politely point out the child's choice not to eat the food he/she requested. This is and example of consequences and mutual respect at work. The parent is not a villain starving his child! Parents are family members with equal rights not to be short-order cooks who cater to children's whims!

THERE IS STILL HOPE

The key for parents is to be willing to calmly follow through withconsequences consistently. Down deep, children want guidance from parentsbecause it communicates love. They can become discouraged and overly concernedwith power if their parents don't provide loving guidelines for living andmodel them consistently.

It is a disservice to children to protect them from some of the moreuncomfortable consequences of their inappropriate behavior. It delays theirlife's lessons and makes the inevitable ones harder to experience. As parents,we often want to protect our children from embarrassment and hurts. Many timeswe try to avoid conflict in our relationships, but this is not life. It is notour role to teach children to avoid life's lessons. Instead, let themexperience the lessons and be there to help guide them through it so they canlearn something from it.

10 POINT PLAN

When dealing with demanding behavior in your child remember the followingpoints:

• Children and parents have rights and can assert these rights in respectful ways.
• Parents are doing a disservice to themselves and to their child by giving in to demands to avoid a scene. Even if unintentional, this teaches the child that if his behavior gets severe enough he will get what he wants.
• Always make sure you are modeling the kind of respectful communication you want your child to use; don't keep a double standard. Acknowledge your child and show appreciation when he/she states something in a respectful way.
• When your child does say something in a demanding tone of voice, reflect his/her feelings ("I understand you feel...") before stating your expectation about how it should be said ("...but I expect you to tell me in a calm, polite way.")
• If parents allow the natural consequences of a situation to occur, the parent is not the one exerting the control, nature is. The parent can now face the situation calmly and from a detached position of presenting the child with his choices and then letting him experience the consequences of his choice.
• Try to stick with choices within limits unless the behavior becomes even more unacceptable. When this happens, parents can shift the focus from the original issue to the behavior. The parent can present the child with a new set of choices. For example "You can calm down or we'll leave." Remember to focus on the behavior and not attack the child's character.

• Parents should be prepared to disengage and remove themselves or the child if the behavior escalates. Parents must be willing to leave a situation and trust that others will understand and respect their need to attend to the situation. Most people are supportive of a parent disciplining a child in a respectful way. Although some people would think this action would violate the parent's right to enjoy an outing, one needs to remember that parental responsibilities do not end whenever it's inconvenient for the parent to uphold them. The parent needs to remember the rights of others to exist in a peaceful environment and the child needs to learn that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable in all situations.
• There are times when it is best to walk away from the situation and refuse to interact until the child's behavior improves. A power struggle cannot occur with one person. Walking away is not giving in. Usually the child wants something from the parent, either some service or attention. Walking away will give the child nothing and will give him a chance to calm down and rethink his choice in the matter.
  
  If the child has become destructive in the past, the parent can plan ahead by arranging a safe place for the child to go and discussing appropriate ways for the child to release angry energy away from others. Remember to tell the child specifically what behavior is acceptable rather than wording your statements in terms of "don't".
• The middle of a tantrum is not the time to reflect feelings or try to talk a child out of being angry. That time has already passed and the child will now interpret these efforts as a denial of his feelings and he may escalate his behavior to convince the parent of how strongly he feels. Communication may be futile until the child calms down and may even keep the tantrum going by giving the child more attention for his behavior. Process what happened, the child and parent's feelings, and the law of choices and consequences of behavior after the tantrum is over.
• A parent's goal is to immediately respond to demands with choices, consequences, and consistent follow-through to avoid power struggles and tantrums. If this is a new approach for a parent or if the parent's consistency is new, the child will probably still have tantrums in response to this new approach. In fact, the child's reactions may seem to be more extreme before it improves, because he is testing new limits. The child wants to see if the parent will react differently if embarrassed in public, if the child destroys things, or if the child loses control.

Justremember that this testing will be temporary if the parent is consistent withthis new approach. Stick with it! If the parent maintains this game plan thechild will eventually adjust and everyone will be happier with the new, morerespectful ways of communicating.