My only problem at the moment is that because I wanted to bling up my wagon, I've gone and blown the rest of my moolah on new wheels. However, I have the best mum in the world and she's lent me the money to go to the pub. I drive down and pick the best spot in the car park, choosing to hang around outside and show off my car.

My best mate emerges from the pub looking wasted. Usually a belligerent, miserable workaholic, he's had the benefit of massive quantities of whiskey which have turned him into a big mellow wuss with a brilliant merry wit. And he's going to need it in the morning!

Recently, he's been mixing with birds that are a bit mental and whacky but this one takes the biscuit! He sees a beautiful, mysterious woman where I see a belching minger in wellies with a black moustache that needs waxing. However, he is besotted with his marvellous wench called Bella Marie West but if you ask me she looks more like Bombay Mix gone wrong. He doesn't even notice the bogey-like mouth wart!

They've brought out bacon butties which she munches, giving herself wind. Unable to stomach any more of her burping, moaning and wheezing I head inside to chat to my favourite barmaid.

Some time ago, she made a bizarre marriage wager and is now very unhappy. She's half way through her second bottle of Muscadet wine and we talk over the barmaid's marital woes.

I have noticed the big, manky witch in the corner has been watching me for some time but after numerous beers she has mutated with ease into a bootylicious minx with the wanton look in her eyes. She's bringing my mojo well and truly back and before I know it, I'm begging her to be my wife.

My mother has sent my brother to look for me and he rescues me before my wittering gets any worse. I swear this bloke was born middle-aged and weird but I do agree with one thing. My brother's mantra was always to back marvellous cars with banging music woofers. So, sitting in the car park, I demonstrate the beastly mega wattage on my baby's multi-channelled wireless.

Concerned that my battery might wane, I turn the radio off and my brother's mood worsens. The only way to cheer him up is to allow him to drive home my Bavarian Motor Works beauty.