a. If others do not respect me, I am not safe or worthy.

b. I cannot be happy if others do not respect and love me

We have identified our self-worth and security with being respected by others. We will be able to love others when they do not behave respectfully towards us when we have enough inner self-respect and thus do not need theirs.

We are often mistaken when we believe that others do not respect us. We interpret that they do not respect us because they smoke when we have asked them not to smoke, when they are late for their appointments, when they do not keep their agreements, when they make noise when we are trying to rest. Although we interpret these behaviors as a lack of respect, most likely they are simply being controlled by their impulses, fears and needs that prevent them from behaving otherwise. Most of the time, they have no intention of being disrespectful and are unaware that we are interpreting their behavior in that way.

We can take this personally, or just understand their weakness and realize that it is a sign of lack of inner strength and not lack of respect for us. That does not mean that we should accept this behavior. We need again to distinguish between the being and the behavior. We can continue loving the other while making it very clear that we need and intend to have the behavior we deserve. We might even need at times to employ types of natural or logical consequences when we have repeatedly communicated without results. We even have the right to discontinue contact with those who cannot behave justly and with consideration. All of this can be done, while we continue to love them, express our love and best wishes for their being and even help them whenever necessary.

Note: They may be reflecting our own lack of respect.

If we ourselves do not respect ourselves or others, then others may reflect this back to us. We need to examine in such cases whether the lack of respect we are perceiving is:

a. A projection of our beliefs in which we perceive a lack of respect when in fact lack of respect is not a reality. We need to free ourselves from the belief and expectation - that others do not respect us.

b. A reflection of our lack of self-respect. We need to inspire others to respect us, by respecting ourselves.

c. A mirroring of our lack of respect towards others. We need to be more respectful of others.

From the forthcoming book "Love is The Choice"

by Robert Elias Najemy