Indeed, if you fail I this, you give ample opportunity to your children to manipulate you and play one parent off another. But how on earth do you achieve that? And what if the other parent has no interest in improving his/her parenting style?



See, if these suggestions will help:

In order to remain calm and maintain consistency, you need to have a plan. You know your situations and you should make a plan how to deal with them

Once you have a plan, you will be able to calmly do what you had pre-planned.

Without that, you will find yourself put on the spot and, not having a plan, you will simply react with the first idea that comes to mind (which often involves a lot of yelling and threatening!) And next time you will probably react differently.

Decide also which battles are worth fighting - and chill out about the others. The rule here is that if you have a rule you MUST enforce it - every time without fail. If you are not prepared to do that, then clearly the rule is not that important, in which case you should drop it.

For example - putting their feet on the sofa. Allowed, or not allowed? It is your choice - but whichever way you decide, stick with it. Don't tell them to get their feet off one day, and then allow it the next.

Honestly, it is these grey areas that cause the maximum stress. If you are not clear about them, you can't expect your children to read your mind when you want something done in a particular manner. Once you make up your mind you will see how the stress goes away.

The really difficult part is when you have a plan, but your partner keeps undermining it.

No easy answers, of course, since this goes to the core of your relationship as a couple. Are you able to discuss the children calmly and rationally, or are they pawns in some kind of power struggle between you?

Both parents don't have to agree on everything, but they can agree to disagree amicably and allow each other space. However, it is important to support each other in front of the children, even if you have to iron out differences later on.

If you don't do that, your children will play one parent against the other to get what they are looking for.

So, once again, the key to consistency between parents is the same as being consistent yourself - plan ahead. Spend time discussing your rules and expectations so that you can come up with a coherent plan. One way to do this is to read a parenting book together and then discuss it.

Some parents find it difficult to agree on even fundamental ways of handling situations. This often stems from different styles and beliefs.

All you can do is be true to yourself, and let your partner be true too.

The outcome of this is that the children are quick to size up both the parents and manipulate them to their advantage. If one parent is strict and the other lenient, the children know whom to go to and get what they are looking for.

The wider the gap between you, the more problems this will cause in daily life. Often this results in one parent struggling with the child's behavior, while the other seems to have no problems! In that case, the most logical thing to do is for the parent who is struggling to see what he or she can learn from the other's style (and, yes, usually it will be that they are more consistent!)

If your behavior is not consistent, then the situation can become so bad that one parent will completely destroy the credibility of the other parent. This kind of situation should not be allowed to continue. It is time to think seriously about your relationship and what to do about it. The children will learn to disrespect all types of authority, and you will fall in your own estimation.

The trouble is that people become complacent in their familiar grooves. Habits are hard to break. But, for the sake of your children you need to work on yourself, if you want something to change. Change yourself; it's easier than changing the other.