Looking in the mirror, I have perfected my appearance and now I'm just practising my acceptance speeches for Christmas presents. The surprised look is taking a little working on but as with everything, I know I will master it.



I just know it because I have spent the last three months compiling my luxury gift list and distributing it to the people that can afford it. (I mean care, the people that care!)

It's really not much to ask, is it? I mean, what's the point in a Christmas present just for the sake of it. I might end up with one of those tacky ornaments from a department store or, the ultimate nightmare, a catalogue store watch! A catalogue store anything - oh lord save me!

I will settle for nothing less than a luxury gift from the correct class of establishment. I want a luxury watch. I want a luxury diamond necklace. I want a luxury fur coat. My stupid husband tried to tell me that furs are no longer in vogue but what would an obese, middle aged man know about fashion? If he doesn't get me a luxury gift as I say then he may just find he is no longer 'in vogue' himself.

My father has been given strict instructions to purchase my luxury gift from the most exclusive jewellers in London. I want a gold necklace with a blue diamond. It's the only precious stone I haven't got and daddy had better get it for me.

I'm expecting a luxury watch from my sister. No doubt I'll wear it for a few days, particularly as I have graciously allowed her to stay with us over the holiday period but then I expect it will be consigned to the collection.

What? Just because I don't need it, doesn't mean I shouldn't get it. If I start to let my expectations drop, the luxury gifts will stop coming and then my life will be meaningless.

Of course, I always purchase luxury gifts for all my friends and family. Their gratitude is so warming and makes me feel like I'm doing my bit for the community.

My generosity doesn't stop there either. My daughter will be receiving the ultimate Barbie doll complete with diamonds and fur. A snip at 50,000 pounds and worth it to instil the good, old fashioned family values of teaching her she is worth the very best things in life. Of course, I won't allow her to play with it - it's far too precious. However, I have had a glass cabinet with crystal shelving installed in her room so she can look at all the luxury gifts mummy has brought for her.

My pet pooch is not to be left our either and I have included the very best for her on my list of luxury gifts that has been sent out. A diamond tiara is expected for Lady Hermione as well as a new bone china bowl.

So, back to the acceptance speeches. Oh, how divine dahling. Mwah! Oh you're too good to me. Mwah, mwah!