Truth goes hand in hand with acceptance. People



can often see the truth, but experience

difficulties in accepting what they see. In

dealing with the aftermath of an affair, once you

tell yourself the truth about what is going on

both inside you and with your partner you have to

deal with acceptance. Acceptance is a full meal

deal. You can confront people on some of what

they do, yet it is important to let go of the

hopes that you can 'fix' them or change them.

People have to be accepted for who they are. This

includes their habits, proclivities, preferences,

etc. Trying to accept them piecemeal or

selectively does not work if you want to have a

relationship with them. Selective acceptance may

help keep the peace, but it does not allow

relationship building. Selective acceptance

actually creates distance within the relationship.

If you desire reconciliation you will need to

accept you spouse for who they are.

You have to accept you for who you are, accept

them for who they are and accept what occurred

for what it is. Often, in affair situations, the

situation and people are modified, enhances and

fantasized about. It is easier to see the lies

that your spouse is subscribing to. It is

difficult to see the lies that you have been

subscribing to yourself. It is almost as if

people often find themselves dealing with

fantasies about themselves, the partner and the

situation more often than the real thing.

Acceptance means a warts and all approach to who

and what you are dealing with. Once you have

accepted 'what is' then you have the basis for a

relationship. I will follow up next on what needs

to be done after acceptance.

It is only after acceptance has occurred that you

can begin with forgiveness. The reason for truth,

then acceptance, then forgiveness is that you

have to know what it is you are looking at

forgiving. If you forgive before accepting the

situation, there may be some unsettled issues

that continue in the relationship. It also

follows logically that if you are going to

forgive, you need to know what it is that you are

going to forgive. When you have been truthful and

frank in dealing with matters, you know what it

is. When you have accepted what is, then you are

ready to consider forgiveness.

During the time between acceptance and

forgiveness, you may have to work through denial.

At some level you may know the truth, but may not

want to accept what is there. The reluctance to

accept what is there is natural. We often do not

want to face what is there. When you begin

working through acceptance, there is often pain.

The pain is part of the acceptance process. It is

painful to be in relationship with some people.

To deny that pain is to deny the reality of the

relationship or deny something that is in

yourself. Even in a Christian context, these

issues have to be dealt with. There may be things

you need to let go of, or forgive, or the pain

may be letting you know that there is some issue

that needs attention in the relationship. To deny

the pain is to deny your humanness.

How long does it take to work through the

acceptance? That often depends on what kind of

issues you are having to come to grips with. This

is where you need a counselor that will work with

you through the pain rather than one that takes

up your pain and seeks to do something to that

partner who hurt you in order to make them pay?

You do not need revenge at this juncture, you

need encouragement to work through the issues.