To get to the answer, I'd like to invite you into a thought experiment. All you have to do is use your imagination.



Imagine that you are dining out in a smart restaurant. You and three companions are politely shown to a table in the middle of the restaurant.

You have made a proper effort to dress well. Now you are really looking forward to the meal because you are hungry. After a few minutes a waiter brings the menu.

The menu is a big disappointment - rather than a leather-bound volume it's a single laminated sheet in white, like you get at a greasy café. There are only a few choices and, more strangely, it's written in a language you don't understand.

Your companions do not seem at all perturbed by this and soon they are encouraging you to hurry and make a choice. You check the menu again but it just doesn't make sense.

The waiter returns and starts the order. Your companions are getting impatient, and so is the waiter. What do you do?

This scenario played out for me as a dream and what I did at this point was to throw down the menu and walk out, completely ruining the evening!

When I woke up, I wondered what other responses there could be:

1. Ignore my own needs - choose something I do not want to eat to keep everyone else happy

2. Self-criticism - deride myself for making the mistake of agreeing to dine out, not knowing the strange language and putting myself in this position

3. Procrastinate - ask for the menu to be explained to me, delay the decision and hope that something I like will eventually emerge

4. Throw a tantrum - become angry with my companions and/or waiter

5. Be the martyr - go without while the others eat and stay hungry myself

6. Be the bully - damage my relationships by insisting we all leave and eat elsewhere

None of these options seem any more appealing than my original response. One way or another, they are all acts of self-sabotage.

There is another, better option. I could ask for something that is not on the menu. This is not unreasonable - I could request a dish that any competent chef could put together with basic ingredients. Surely this is a win/win because we would all get a meal we like and the restaurant gets the business.

This is a powerful principle for life in general: when none of the choices in front of you appeal, choose something that is not on the menu.

In this context, the menu is the agenda you are currently working to, which is often determined by other people - parents, teachers, colleagues, bosses, politicians etc - and now you have the chance to create new possibilities.

The starting point is to ask 'what do you really want?' For many people this is a radical question, perhaps one they have never actually answered. Spend some time with this question, revisiting it over the next few weeks, and write down all you discover.

Then, when you don't like the menu, you can avoid the self-sabotaging options because you'll know what you are aiming for.