Is your partner behaving in an unusual way and you are not being able to recognize the real problem? Often we hear that one of the partners in a marital or love relationship abuses the other person. This abuse may be physical, mental, emotional or psychological. It is a common assumption that a person who abuses another is supposed to be male, big in size, drunkard, unshaven and the like. However, this is not really true. An abuser is as normal as any other person and there are no signs that can help one to identify an abuser.



The most important issue with the abuser is his need to control others. He or she tries to control different aspects like your thoughts, desires, sense of dressing, even your employment and your choice in the case of making friends, your actions, how are you supposed to spend your time etc. The other important thing is that the abuser is always very critical of his target. He might criticize the target in every aspect like the appearance, in the choice of friends, in the way of speaking etc. However, this concern is often disguised in the form of concern or love. Often the abuser criticizes less in the beginning of your relationship and as the target gets more and more committed the abuser starts controlling his or her entire life.

One thing that the abuser always tries to do is to shut the target from the outside world. He will constantly tell his partner that her family and friends are harming her in some way or the other and in this way he tries to take the target away from others. Often, the abuser also takes his target out of town or state or even country so that she is not able to meet her family and friends and so in this way their contact would be minimal and so he will be able to maintain a strict control as well. The abuser is also extremely possessive about his target. He will constantly keep asking her how she spends her free time and that too with whom and what all they talked about etc. Sometimes, he might ask for the details to prove her truthfulness as well and he will declare that he is doing all this because he loves her.

Some of the other symptoms of the abusive personality are that the abuser is also filled with a deep internal rage. He or she would never accept the responsibility for anything that happens in their lives. He develops a habit of fighting and making up often. In short, he develops such a kind of behavior that it creates a sense of confusion in the mind of the target. In marriages, the abuse often seems to be physical as well, where the person pressurizes you to act in a violent or forceful manner during sex. A male abuser may find the idea of rape exciting.

A male abuser often sees women as being inferior to men. He feels that a woman is not complete without a relationship and that she is completely dependent on him. Using degrading remarks and saying hurting and cruel things is also a form of abuse in a relationship.

Therefore, it becomes very difficult to live with a person with an abusive personality. However, love and concern may bring about a change in such people.