Assertiveness--More On The Basics



As an outpatient psychologist with a very active private

practice, clients often ask me, "Why can't I be assertive?"

The short answer is "speak up." The more complete answer is we

first have to appreciate what assertiveness is and what it is not.

Let me tackle the last part first.

Assertiveness is not aggression. It is not yelling, name

calling or doing anything physically violent. It is not about

getting in someone's space or place if they do not invite us.

It is not about messing with other's property.

Neither is assertiveness about being passive. That involves

not saying or doing things in an indirect way, but still having an

deceitful intent. Such statements blur messages on purpose;

confusing the recipient into thinking the intent is something it

is not. Manipulating falls into this category.

Being non-assertive is different from being passive. The difference is

that choosing to not speak up is deliberate, conscious and has no

ulterior motives. It is not manipulation, just the choice to not

respond. Sometimes this is the better choice, like when our boss is mad at us, yet we would

like to have a promotion Or, how about when the mortgage company says they are foreclosing... Not speaking

at that time is judicious, and choosing to not assert our point of

view is wise.

Assertiveness is about speaking up in a definite way, stating

what you want and using "I" statements. "I would like to have that cake" is an assertive statement. "That cake would sure look

nice on my plate" is a semi-assertive statement. "My, how good

that cake looks" is not an assertive statement. "That cake would

make me feel better about you" is a manipulative statement.

Saying nothing about cake because we do not want any is choosing

to just not be assertive.

Assertiveness involves five steps. I created a publication on this subject in which , I explain them in detail and how they flow from one to the

other, each needing to be completed before the next. For this

article, here's a quick summary. Step One is asking yourself what

are you thinking or feeling. Step Two is about validating that

your thoughts and/or feelings are valid and important. Step Three

is thinking and planning how we might express ourselves, assuming

we get through Step Two and actually think what we have to say is

important enough to say or do something about. Step Four is

actually executing the plan; that is, doing what we fantasized in

Step Three. Step Five is feedback. How did it go? If we

achieved some satisfaction, we are done with that thought. If not,

it is back to Step One.

This may seem a little vague, but each of us goes through at

least the first two steps with every thought and/or feeling. Those

thoughts and/or feelings that are prominent; that is, rise to some

higher level in our awareness, are considered more and are more

likely to motivate us to consider doing something about. This is

Step Three, which once engaged, usually carries us through to

completion (Step Five). This process is automatic and very, very

fast. It is usually unconscious; that is, out of everyday

awareness, automatic and usually psychologically reflexive

(patterned, rehearsed responses that we chalk up as mental habits).

Learning to be assertive is about realizing the steps that are

involved and how we each follow them. If we do so automatically,

then assertiveness is hit or miss, depending upon our early training.

We inherit most of these thought patterns from our parents, which

could be good or bad. The key to becoming assertive is to become

aware of the above and practice it a few times. Usually people

see the payoff and are motivated to continue.

There is always a group of folks who oppose and claim

being assertive is a bad thing. It engenders conflict, and therefore does not work,

is a waste of time, etc. In my ebook, I address a very long list

of reasons people generate why we should not be assertive. Some of

them are quite creative, but all of them lack basis. I explain all

of this is depth and detail. In my view, assertiveness is a very

affirmative skill and is one of the easiest ability to acquire. Once practiced,

assertiveness spreads out in the psyche and positively influences

more experiences than the reader can imagine, starting with decreasing

anxiety and depression and increasing self-esteem.

Dr. Griggs