According to Woody Allen, the world is divided into the miserable and the truly horrible. The miserable are everyday normal people like you and I, and the truly horrible are the cerebral palsy victims on their twelfth round of chemotherapy writhing around on the floor in a vomitous stupor praying to God that someone would put a pillow over their head and put them out of their unbearable pain and suffering.



Woody Allen said that philosophy was like Chinese food. Fifteen minutes later and you’re hungry again. The bookshelves are filled with “How to Become Happy" bestsellers. Why is that? If people were happy would they need them? If people were happy would Valium and Alcohol be more popular than Paris Hilton? What are we all escaping from? What seems to be the problem?

The problem Dr. Phil is that your level of understanding of the human condition rivals that of an ant. The human brain was not programmed for happiness. It was programmed for misery. Take it up with your creator. The circumstances of life on earth are not suited for happiness. Every two seconds breaking news attacks your mind like Attila the Hun you Hun that New Orleans is now the lost continent of Atlantis. What were the odds at the beginning of the year that New Orleans would still be a landmass? You could have made a fortune in Las Vegas betting that the city would sink to the bottom of the Ocean in the next month.

Which brings us to fame and fortune. These two f’s are mirages, illusions of happiness on earth. Everyone dreams of winning the $425 million power ball lottery because then they will have true happiness. Countless aspiring starlets in Hollywood California right his moment are engaging in the most animalistic and sordid sexual activities with producers and casting directors hoping that it will lead them to world wide fame and $20 million dollar movie deals. Ask Elizabeth Taylor how happy she is. She went from the son of Conrad Hilton to a construction worker through Richard Burton twice to bubble’s father, the King of Pop. On route she stopped off at 9 rehab clinics to kick the Oxycodone she was taking for the unbearable pain in her back.

Every single thing that makes you feel good, like sex with total strangers in public places who you met 3 minutes ago is illegal or dangerous to your health and life. We are all angel spirits trapped in body containers for life with evil demon spirits whose only pleasure comes from torturing us and then laughing their heads off at us. The world is a lunatic asylum for the criminally insane run by the most insane of all, psychiatrists. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatry Volume IX is 42,000 pages long. There are nine volumes because these shamans keep coming up with new disorders. They have classified every single human emotion as an emotional disorder to be treated by them and the big drug companies. Elizabeth Taylor is the poster girl for Merck. If you are extremely happy these Dr. Phils say that you are manic and they put you on Lithium. In our society happiness is a recognized full blown major mental illness. The doctors understand that no one with any clue of what’s going on in the world today who is happy could be normal.

In a famous movie scene, the brave warrior Sitting Bull says, “Nothing gives me the ecstatic adrenaline rush that shooting an arrow into the head of a white man provides." Sure, his grammar wasn’t perfect but you speak Cherokee. We are by nature vicious raping animalistic monsters whose ultimate thrill is scalping and being the big hero saving the day. Little Mary Lou from Kentucky doing cartwheels on the casting couch this afternoon with Abe the 62 year old 5’2’’ bald liar is hoping to one day star in Westerns. I hear they’re coming back. Danny de Vito is starring in the remake of True Grit.

Our laws forbid us from acting like human beings and raping and pillaging and so we live out our true natures at the movie theatres. Who cares if popcorn is $8 a bag and Coca Cola is $3.99 and you have 6 children? We’re talking an hour and 45 minutes of escape and vicarious thrills here watching other people pull the trigger on poor helpless widows and orphans. Speaking of trigger, my email box seems to be heading for an all time low. Recently I’ve noticed a spike in real live human beings sending me letters inviting me to watch 18 year old starlets take it back door from real live horses. Incest films are also on the rise. If you want to see the true nature of the human condition then forget about watching the Academy Awards this year. Just check your emails.

O.K. Lets get serious for a moment. Why is it that human beings are miserable?

God said through the prophet Isaiah, “An angel must suffer on earth in order to overcome their problems, so that then they can help others overcome theirs." Emotional pain is healthy. It is just like physical pain. If you could not feel pain then your hand would burn off on the burner on your stove as you spoke to your spouse about your teenagers’ recent fatal automobile accident. Feeling hysterically anxious is what motivates you to sit on the phone with the Microsoft technical support guy in India for 3 hours trying to get your new Compaq working again. It’s amazing that the minute your computer goes down you feel as though your life line to the world has been severed. How did humans live for 5 million years before Jesus without cell phones? How do you phone a tiger lunging for your 4 year old daughter in the jungle? Why do people think that drinking parasites in the Amazon jungle that give you life long dysentery is adventure? We are by nature racist vicious bigots. This is why our religions command us to kill everyone outside of our group for great eternal rewards in paradise with God and 72 virgins and wine with no side effects and raptures. Just be happy that you’re miserable. You don’t deserve to be.