Quick, what's the first thing a girl notices when you invite her back to your place? Is it the parade of fire ants in the kitchen? Those weird splotches of mold and lichen covering the bathroom ceiling? The dust bunnies under the bed that have evolved fangs and flippers? The answer is all three, which means you have a lot of work to do to prepare your place for tonight's hot date. Here's how to go about it.



1. Clean the bathroom. Most guys tend to think of their bathrooms in functional terms, meaning a toilet (for example) should be no more or less clean than is required to do its job. As a result, what's "clean enough" to the average guy will be "unbelievably, repulsively filthy" to his distaff counterpart. Get a brush and mop and prepare to spend a few hours undoing the damage of the last two or three months (or years, if you've had a really long cold streak).

2. Wash the dishes--not just the dishes in the sink. Run all your plates, glasses and silverware through the dishwasher at least once and stack them neatly where they belong. You don't know who's going to "accidentally" open a cabinet, who will then "accidentally" scream and run out the door when she sees that giant spider putting on a bib and preparing to feast on a tasty fly.

3. Clean the bathroom again. You thought you did a pretty good job the first time, right? All you've done is reduce the filth level from "unbelievable and repulsive" to "careless and unsanitary." Take a toothbrush and scrub the grout between the tiles in the shower, then get down on your hands and knees and scour the underside of the toilet. What's another two hours of work when so much is at stake?

4. Dust and vacuum. If you have a hardwood floor, get out a broom and dustpan and sweep thoroughly. If you have a carpet, get out a vacuum and run it over every square inch (even those hard-to-reach spots that require you to contort your body into odd positions). Finally, get a dust mop and run it over every surface in your apartment, including bookcases, tables and your cat.

5. Clean your bathroom one more time. You really thought you were finished, didn't you? All you've done is reduce your bathroom amber-alert level from "careless and unsanitary" to "barely acceptable and possibly disease-free." Buy the strongest cleaning agent you can find and apply it to every square inch. (Remember to open the door for ventilation, though, lest your date arrive to find you passed out in the tub.)