Frequent arguments cause a lot of damage to a relationship. In each relationship, there is a baseline. This baseline is where the couple wants to be. Everything is good and they feel close to each other. When they have an argument, they drop below the baseline and thus need to return to the baseline so that they can feel close again. But suppose they get into another argument before they return to the baseline; this pushes them even further below the baseline. They now have even more ground to cover before they can return to the baseline. If another argument occurs, they push themselves even further below. This can go on and on until the baseline seem unreachable. The couple tries everything they know but get nowhere. Doubt takes over and logic tells them that the relationship is irretrievable.



Abandon the notion that you need to address and resolve major issues when you are far below the baseline. It is futile to attempt resolution when all you can see is despair. You need to take a time-out from the issues and focus more on staying connected. This usually comes down to shutting up for the time being. The process of pushing the major issues towards resolution is typically what therapists do and the couple also believes this is necessary but it is not.

The therapist often allows the couple to recreate an argument that they may have had a hundred times already. By viewing the couple in action, the therapist gets an understanding of what happens between them. The couple leaves the office wishing they had come in separate cars but come back week after week hoping the therapist will eventually tell them how to reconnect.

I do not allow couples to fight in my office. I tell them they can fight at home free. Instead, the focus is on returning to the baseline. I tell the couple to stay away from the major issues that trigger the arguments for now. I often tell them not to argue at all and the following week they report no arguments. I ask them how they did this and they respond with "You told us not to argue." It amazes me. Couples want to stay connected. They do not want to fight and argue.

So to reiterate, you return to the baseline by giving the major issues or conflicts a breather until you feel closer to each other. The time needed can vary depending on how much hurt has been experienced. One week to four weeks usually provides significant relief but it may take a lot longer. It is vital that you shut up. I am going to cover a wide variety of different techniques to help you during those times you feel that you have to say something. Remember, the closer you are to the baseline, the better chance you have at reconnection.